Argus Hamilton's column for 3-31-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama will toss out the first pitch at the Washington Nationals home opener. Don't worry. To make sure he gets a warm reception, nobody will be allowed to buy a ticket to the game if they make over two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year.

Pope Benedict gave the sermon in Vatican Square on Palm Sunday. The newspapers accused him of covering up priest sex scandals when he was a cardinal. In an effort to change the subject Sunday the pope announced he has decided to play in the Masters.

PepsiCo said Tuesday it's going to reduce the salt in its Frito-Lay and Pizza Hut products. That was wise. The less salt they have in their junk food when California legalizes pot in November, the safer they'll be from hypertension lawsuits.

Sandra Bullock went into hiding Friday as four more women claimed affairs with her husband Jesse James. Not again. That sex addiction rehab in Mississippi is about to replace the Betty Ford Center as a station of the cross if you want to be a celebrity.

Augusta National warned ticket holders for next week's Masters tournament to be on their best behavior while Tiger Woods is playing. No one knows how the gallery will react to him. It could be the first Girls Gone Wild video ever broadcast on network television.

U.S. Congressman Paul Broun of Georgia proposed Friday that the first weekend of May be Ten Commandments Weekend. For three days there'd be no lying, no stealing, no cheating and no adultery. It's another attempt to shut down the federal government.

The GOP National Committee reimbursed a donor two thousand dollars Monday for money spent at a bondage club in West Hollywood. It makes no sense. You would think if Republicans were sexually turned on by being beaten they'd just stay in Washington.

House Democrats called four CEO's to testify in Congress in April after they said they will have to cut jobs because of health care reform's cost to their companies. They need to be careful what they say. If the CEOs even have breakfast together before their testimony they could be identified as a White Christian Militia.

Sarah Palin drew big crowds in Arizona last weekend as she campaigned for John McCain's re-election. She wore a leather jacket, a short skirt and spoke off the top of her head. It shows how far women have come in two years in the Republican Party.

The White House announced a new bailout for homeowners Friday. It's for people who can't pay their mortgage. Whether you qualify depends on how many payments you missed, whether you've lost your job and whether the sign on your lawn was for Obama or McCain.

Osama bin Laden released a threatening new audiotape Tuesday. He's been in the caves a long time. The delay in the release of the transcript has nothing to do with translation, it just takes awhile to find a car old enough to have a tape player.

North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened to attack the U.S. and Japan during a naval incident Friday. He said his missiles could destroy the Toyota factory in Kyoto in five minutes. This could be the first war in history that saved lives in the long run.

Walt Disney issued a casting call for actresses Monday for the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie and specified no breast implants. They plan to test the actresses by making them run down the street, because the jiggle gives it away. After ten years someone's finally figured out a way to get a TV contract for the Los Angeles Marathon.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-30-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama paid a surprise visit to Afghanistan to visit U.S. troops Sunday after he forced the passage of health care reform. These soldiers volunteered just in time. Now when Uncle Sam points his finger at you, he's wearing a latex glove.

Caterpillar warned of layoffs Thursday saying health care reform is increasing its costs. How'd this happen? The difference between Bush and Obama is that when Obama seizes a country it takes longer for the water and electricity to be turned off.

Californians collected enough signatures Thursday to put the legalization of marijuana to a fall vote. They've been trying to get this done for a decade. You would think there would be an easier way to lure the NBA All-Star Game to Los Angeles.

Major League Baseball released its fall schedule Tuesday with the World Series ending in early November. Did they forget last winter? When the winning runs come sprinting home to the plate in Game Seven, Sarah Palin's husband could be driving them.

Advertising Age said Tuesday the NCAA tournament will draw a half billion dollars in ad revenue. It's money well spent. Polls say basketball is the world's second favorite indoor sport, but the other one's got more spectators on the Internet.

San Diego police rounded up dozens of wild horses who came in out of the hills Thursday. The horses didn't stop until they were roped by California Highway Patrol officers. It's a skill they've developed after six months on the road catching Toyotas.

Fidel Castro praised President Obama as a miracle worker for passing health care reform Friday but added that President Obama is a capitalist-imperialist. What a wordsmith. Leave it to Castro to issue a statement which makes both Democrats and Republicans proud of President Obama.

CBS News ran a poll Wednesday showing that sixty-two percent of Americans want Republicans to continue fighting against health care reform. What a turnaround for the party. When Republicans were fighting for freedom in Iraq, who needed them, but now that they're fighting for freedom in the United States they're kind of useful.

Somali pirates were shot and killed by an oil tanker crew in self-defense last week, sparking protests from the human rights crowd. The pirates need to wait for things to cool off. Right now each ship is equipped with a rifle and an opponent of health care reform.

GOP House Minority Whip Eric Cantor said Thursday somebody shot out the window of his campaign office. No one thinks the shooting was done by health care reform advocates. When a Jewish guy's window gets broken, put your money on the Nazis.

Sea World suppressed a video of last month's whale attack on a trainer in court Tuesday. These whales are excitable. Last week a sperm whale attacked a submarine off Catalina Island, and now every time the sub fires a torpedo, he passes out cigars.

Defense Secretary Robert Gates issued new rules Wednesday making it tougher to be tossed from the Army for being gay. This is a gay-friendly administration. The health care reform law has more mandates than intermission at a Liza Minnelli concert.

The Real Face of Jesus airs on the History Channel Tuesday. It employs encoded blood from the shroud of Turin to reconstruct Jesus's face using computer imaging. The picture they released of Jesus makes him look half Jewish, which explains his mother's side, and half English, which Episcopalians say explains his Father's side.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-28-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Palm Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods flew to Georgia Monday where he played a practice round at Augusta National to prepare for the Masters. He's been treated for sex addiction. Sexual addiction is medically defined as the use of money to get even with junior high school.

California officials received enough signatures Friday to put the legalization of marijuana on the fall ballot. The effort took fifteen years. That's because the people who collect the signatures could never remember where they left the petitions.

The White House excluded private school and Catholic school children from next week's Easter Egg Roll. It's to protect them. The White House is also a workplace, and public school kids are the only ones who wouldn't be shocked by Joe Biden's language.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush visited Haiti's earthquake-smashed royal palace Tuesday. It was inspiring. Bill Clinton denied groping a statue of Venus and George W. Bush stood in the middle of the rubble and vowed that we will get whoever did this.

Beverly Hills plastic surgeons were flooded with calls from women seeking free breast implants Tuesday. Los Angeles women thought it was covered under health care reform. The signing of the bill was such big news that even the E! Channel reported it.

President Obama signed the health care reform bill on Tuesday. He's taken over the auto industry, banking industry and health care industry. As a child he used to play Monopoly by seizing the box and accusing the other children of scare tactics.

President Obama flew to Iowa Wednesday to try to get people to love his health care reform bill. He has until November. House Democrats are whistling Dixie if they think that the uproar is going to die down, and you know how they hate that song.

Florida challenged the Health Care Reform Act in federal court Friday. Critics say it's unconstitutional to force people to buy health insurance as a condition of citizenship. The only condition of citizenship is birth in the United States or Mexico.

President Obama signed a executive order banning federal funds for abortion. It's the deal he made with pro-life Democrats. Abortion foes worry that the order has lots of wiggle room, and wiggle room's all it takes to get pregnant in the first place.

Senate Democrats inserted a White House takeover of the student loan business from banks in the health care bill Thursday. It's the seizure of a seventy-billion-dollar business. Somali pirates want to take the summer off to intern on Capitol Hill.

Senate Republicans tried to pass a health care amendment Thursday that would ban giving Vi*gr* to sex offenders. It would save a lot. The drug costs two hundred dollars, which is ten dollars for the pill plus a hundred and ninety dollars for drinks and the room.

Sandra Bullock flew to Austin Monday to consider plans to divorce Jesse James despite the community property laws in California. He could claim fifty million dollars of her money after he cheated on her with a tatooed Nazi. Moviegoers love watching Sandra in romantic comedies with surprise endings you laugh about for weeks.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-26-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Sandra Bullock was reported Tuesday divorcing husband Jesse James for cheating with a stripper. His name was the first clue. Next time Sandra goes out with a guy named after an outlaw he'll be guilty of nothing worse than not having health insurance.

PepsiCo announced it's going to reduce the salt, sugar and fat content of its Frito-Lay, Pepsi and Tropicana products. It's a tactical retreat. Pepsi decided to cut the richness of the food before President Obama gets around to re-distributing it.

President Obama signed the Health Care Reform Act Tuesday as Democrats cheered wildly. It may not be the last word. It's just a matter of time before a Republican president is sworn into office and declares that our long national colonoscopy is over.

Joe Biden had a slip of the tongue Tuesday and said the F-word on worldwide TV while hugging President Obama after he signed the Health Care Reform Act. It tells you how contentious the bill is. Even the people in favor of it are swearing about it.

Tea Party activists vowed revenge on congressmen who passed health care reform Tuesday. They see it as a threat to liberty. How many people in America will die for lack of medical care because they refuse to give the government their coordinates?

The Health Care Reform Act went into effect on Tuesday. There was an immediate ten percent health care tax imposed at tanning salons. George Hamilton filed a lawsuit right away saying it is discriminatory to tax him based on the color of his skin.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said he's worried about sex charges against Ben Roethlisberger. He wants to be proactive. As soon as an NFL player is accused of attacking a woman the commissioner immediately begins impaneling a jury in Los Angeles.

Los Angeles Dodgers owner Frank McCourt was accused in court papers of adultery Monday by wife Jamie. She was sleeping with the chauffeur. Frank and Jamie are both very involved in community outreach and when it reached back they just couldn't say no.

The Episcopal Church upset church conservatives Friday by selecting its second gay bishop. Times have changed. Whenever a bishop's procession enters a sanctuary they're dressed up as a policeman, a firefighter, an Indian and a construction worker.

Fox News did a poll Monday showing two-thirds of voters think the national debt is a greater threat to our future than terrorism. That means we're lucky Osama bin Laden is alive. If the Hindus are right, he could be reincarnated as a stimulus bill.

Hillary Clinton was in Mexico with Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, Homeland Security's Janet Napolitano and intelligence chief Admiral Mullen. It's related to Middle East peace talks. President Obama has a plan to make Mexico the Jewish state.

Homeland Security made plans Tuesday to scrap the eight hundred million dollar virtual fence on the Arizona-Mexico border. It simply wasn't working. Mexican criminals who run cocaine, marijuana, and illegal workers across the border aren't embarrassed to set off a loud buzzer the way the Republicans are who designed this thing.

British treasure hunters found fifteen hundred Anglo-Saxon gold pieces buried in a farmer's field in England. The coins are from the seventh century. It's a warning to any government that wants to tax the rich that tax evasion's a very old art.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-25-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Capitol Hill was the scene of protests Sunday by Hispanics for amnesty and by Tea Partyers against health care reform. What fun. That day Hispanics marching for citizenship collided with Tea Party activists marching for secession and formed a passport office.

Cincinnati Bengals star Chad Ochocinco announced Monday he'll date eighty-five women on a TV reality show this summer. It's a bracket-style dating tournament. The lesson from Tiger Woods is that you should never keep this kind of thing a secret.

The Los Angeles Marathon had one casualty Sunday when a young man collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. Fortunately, he's okay. All obituaries for joggers in Los Angeles sound just alike, they say the guy died doing what he loved, inhaling carbon monoxide.

Sandra Bullock canceled out of the London premiere of The Blind Side Friday over more family crises. Losing her husband wasn't enough last weekend. She came home an hour early Saturday night and caught her Oscar in bed with the Nazi medal of valor.

Tiger Woods's return in the Masters sent ticket prices through the roof Monday as CBS prepared for huge ratings. Public interest in golf is at an all-time high. That is because nobody understands the health care bill but everybody understands sex.

Lance Armstrong ripped ESPN's Tony Kornheiser Monday for joking that motorists should run down bicyclists hogging the right lane in traffic. Bicyclists simply don't belong there. The right-hand lane in Los Angeles is for people who are drug-free.

House Democrats passed the health care reform bill by two votes Sunday. It had a useful purpose. The American people got to see how a bill actually gets through Congress and now everyone who wants to lose weight just watches C-SPAN and up it comes.

President Obama celebrated his legislative victory at the White House with his Oval Office staffers Sunday. He opened up a bottle of champagne on the Truman Balcony. President Obama's doctor ordered him two weeks ago to moderate his drinking, but if he was a moderate there would have been lawsuit reform in the health care bill.

Florida filed a lawsuit Tuesday over the health care law's requirement that Americans must own health insurance. It's probably unconstitutional. You cannot make people buy anything unless you advertise it as making you irresistible to women.

Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki on Monday demanded a recount in the Iraqi elections held three weeks ago to determine their next leader. Iraq's having the same problem we had in Florida ten years ago. They didn't count the U.S. military vote.

President Obama began lobbying for an immigration reform bill Tuesday. He will regret it. These families work hard, own small businesses, buy homes, stay married and raise kids, so legalizing them could double the number of Republicans in California.

Brigham Hospital in Boston released a study Friday which shows that middle-aged women who drink moderately gain less weight. They didn't study the effects of alcohol on young women. There has already been thousands of years of research on that.

PepsiCo announced Monday it's going to cut down on sodium, saturated fat and sugar in its Frito-Lay, Pepsi, Quaker and Tropicana products. They were responding to White House pressure. If the White House was going to adopt just one policy from the Clinton administration, it should have been job creation, not tastelessness.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-24-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama pushed House Democrats to pass health care reform by two votes Sunday. Reaction in the Red States was volcanic. Democrats always thought Barack Obama was Jesus but they didn't think his first resurrection would be Richard Nixon.

Jeb Bush went on Fox News Monday and advocated freedom and economic growth and tax cuts and smaller government. He was firm, calm and eloquent. Republicans saw him and crossed their fingers and hoped against hope that the third time's the charm.

NFL owners met in Orlando this week where they considered changing the overtime rules to settle tie games. They must act fast. They're afraid President Obama will issue an executive order decreeing that all ties have to be decided by Joe Biden.

Sandra Bullock saw photos of husband Jesse James's biker mistress Tuesday. She wore a bikini, a German SS officer's hat and Nazi armbands, and she licked a knife with a swastika on it. Resumes are pouring in to Washington to be the new Health Care Czar.

Tiger Woods gave interviews to the Golf Channel and to ESPN Sunday in which he discussed aspects of his sexual recovery program. Giving up your old behavior is a full-time task. Seeing midgets on the side is not proof that you're tapering off.

ABC's Erin Andrews went on ABC's Good Morning America to tell how going on ABC's Dancing with the Stars helps her recover from being stalked on videocam. Her courage sends a powerful message to celebrities. No personal horror is above cross-promotion.

Florida filed a lawsuit Wednesday over the health care law's requirement that Americans must own health insurance. It's probably unconstitutional. You cannot force people to buy anything unless you advertise it as making you irresistible to women.

President Obama signed the health care reform bill into law Tuesday at the White House. Insurance companies are nervous about it. Already you can buy a bracelet on the Internet with your debit card number inscribed on it along with instructions to the paramedics to phone Blue Cross and buy you a policy on the way to the hospital.

President Obama won over pro-life Democrats by promising to sign an executive order banning federal funds for abortions. Bart Stupak was had. Executive orders are only binding on Venezuela, North Korea, Cuba and the last segment of The Apprentice.

President Obama must hit the road this week trying to sell his health care reform law. He's working hard with his speechwriters. They're trying to get an applause line out of telling Americans the IRS is going to fine them for not buying health insurance.

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush paid a visit to Haiti Monday to view America's earthquake relief efforts on the stricken island. The two men have more in common than you'd think. They are both war-time presidents, if you count marriage counseling.

The Episcopal Church approved the election of a lesbian bishop Thursday in the Diocese of Los Angeles. The historic church may split in two over gay ordination. Conservative Anglicans can't abide a theology which hates the sin but loves the shoes.

The U.S. Census forms arrived in the mail Friday. It will give the government a complete database of everyone's name, age, address, phone number, race, marital status and income. After taking over the auto industry, the insurance industry and the financial industry the government plans to take over the computer dating industry.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-23-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Los Angeles Marathon incited local fury Sunday over its new route, which cut off traffic all day. No one was happy. The day ended as it always does, with some Kenyan outlasting everybody and claiming victory, but enough about health care reform.

Senator Tom Coburn promised to put a hold on any congressman's nomination for a federal job if it's a payoff for backing health care reform. Some federal jobs don't require Senate approval. Five years from now the GM car you buy may be hand-made by a dozen former congressmen.

President Obama begged the Hispanic House Caucus last week to back health care reform so that his presidency will be strong. He was trying to appeal to their Spanish tradition of strong male leadership. Of course the effect was ruined when Michelle walked into the meeting and ordered them to eat apples instead of doughnuts.

The Council of La Raza called for Hispanic opposition to the health care reform bill Friday. It provides no coverage for illegal aliens. After they walk across the Sonoran desert to work here the least we could give them is coverage for a podiatrist.

NBA owners okayed Michael Jordan's two hundred seventy-five million dollar bid to buy the Charlotte Bobcats Friday. That's pretty much every nickel he ever made. It was another huge setback for Las Vegas, who would have gotten the money eventually.

Somali pirates staged a comical attempt to capture a fully armored Dutch naval warship Thursday. The Dutch ship was armed with rockets, anti-aircraft guns, mines and artillery. Just the pirates' luck, they picked a ship that was transporting drugs.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized to his team Thursday for using cocaine last year. He said it just happened once last summer. It was a mistake to have them wear those throwback jerseys from the Seventies without checking the pockets.

The Georgia Bureau of Investigation requested to speak with Ben Roethlisberger about an alleged sexual assault on a college girl in a bar. The prosecutor's hands are tied.`Under Georgia law quarterbacks can have anything they want except dogfights.

The Weather Channel aired footage Thursday of floods in the Midwest, tornadoes in the Southwest and earthquakes on the West Coast. Maybe there is something to climate change. Oil men and bankers are talking about moving to Belize until Obama blows over.

The Texas School Board's vote on the state's history textbook content resulted in a defeat for social liberals and a total victory for faith-based conservatives last week. They may have gone a little overboard. The South didn't win the Civil War.

President Obama ordered the Army not to fly the U.S. flag while they're in Haiti, saying we'll look like occupiers. He lacks Lincoln's courage. Abe Lincoln ordered the U.S. flag to fly at every base and he didn't care what Southerners thought about it.

Attorney General Eric Holder told Congress Tuesday Osama bin Laden will never face trial in the U.S. because we'll be tracking him down. The evidence supports that. Unless he tries to buy back his memorabilia in Las Vegas we'll never capture him alive.

Hillary Clinton flew to Moscow Thursday to try to talk Russia out of opening a nuclear plant in Iran in July. The U.S. isn't the only one upset. It's only natural that local businesses in Teheran don't want a Target opening up in their neighborhood.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-21-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

CBS Sports promoted Tiger Woods's return to the Masters in April as the biggest media event since President Obama's inauguration day. The president loves golf and Tiger loves adultery. If they would swap jobs it might go better for both of them.

Tiger Woods angered golf purists Tuesday for selecting the hallowed Masters as his return venue. His image is in tatters. In a poll last week a thousand blondes were asked if they would sleep with Tiger Woods and sixty percent replied never again.

The Los Angeles Marathon will be run today from Dodger Stadium to Malibu. The route forced twenty-six churches to cancel Sunday services. People in L.A. worship their own bodies and they don't understand why the earthquakes won't leave us alone.

Texas Rangers manager Ron Washington apologized Wednesday for testing positive for cocaine last year, telling reporters it's the only time he ever did coke in his life. Nobody is buying it. Does he think he's running for president twenty years ago?

Michael Jackson's estate signed a quarter-billion dollar deal with Sony. He is the second dead superstar in history who's worth more dead than alive. It just shows that if Lisa Marie Presley is in your will you're not going to live to be sixty.

Tea Party protesters against health care reform came to Capitol Hill Wednesday looking for wavering Democrats. They didn't find many. They should have checked out the St. Patrick's Day parade in New York where the free beer had everybody wavering.

House Democrats rolled out their health care reform bill Thursday. It contains huge tax increases, massive subsidies, penalties for businesses and mandates for individuals. Hours earlier a Muslim cleric in Yemen had called for the destruction of America and for the rest of the day he felt like Elizabeth Montgomery in Bewitched.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi's plan to pass health care reform without a vote ran into a firestorm Thursday. She was shocked to hear the public was paying attention to the details. Thanks to Tiger Woods everyone's an expert on the reconciliation process.

Nancy Pelosi conjured a no-vote maneuver on health care Wednesday in which the House would deem the Senate bill passed. It lets Democrats seize the health care industry a year after seizing GM. Now they're fighting over who gets to shoot the Czar.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich changed his mind Wednesday and decided to support the health care reform bill. This is big. The health care reform bill now has the support of the only U.S. congressman who ever saw a UFO in Shirley MacLaine's back yard.

President Obama held the Friends of Ireland lunch at the White House Wednesday and said his mother's ancestors lived in Ireland. It's true. His mother's side is Anglo-Norman and if you conquer a place, you can technically say that you live there.

President Obama's disapproval ratings went up in the polls Tuesday as Newsweek reported a malaise in America. This is nothing new. If it were any more like the Carter Era, President Obama would be constantly embarrassed by his brother Billy Obama.

Hillary Clinton bawled out Benjamin Netanyahu over the phone Tuesday over new apartment buildings that Israel began building in Jerusalem. She was livid. It's the exact same tone of voice she used when she found out Bill had his own apartment.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-19-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods announced Tuesday he will return to the PGA tour at the Masters in Augusta in April. Bookmakers made him a four-to-one favorite. Augusta National Country Club does not allow women so you figure his concentration should be excellent.

Capitol Hill phone lines were jammed by health care reform opponents on Tuesday as debate raged in Congress. It was chaos. The phone lines were so tied up that lawmakers were forced to use their own cell phones to make their NCAA tournament bets.

Jamie McCourt was revealed Monday to be planning to leverage her position as president of the Dodgers to run for U.S. president. It fell through when she got caught cheating. The John Edwards story isn't even a stage play yet and already there's a road company.

Toyota paid four thousand auto workers a quarter billion dollars in severance pay Monday as they closed their California plant. They have to get rid of the cash. If you leave it lying around, the trial lawyers are just going to break in through the windows.

Los Angeles was hit by a moderate earthquake at four o'clock in the morning on Tuesday. When quakes hit California late at night everyone does the same thing. We jump out of bed, turn on the news and see if the anchorman is underneath the desk.

Israel's Ambassador to the United States said Monday that U.S.-Israeli relations are at a crisis point. Things are tense. This would be a good time for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton to remind everyone that her husband's last girlfriend was Jewish.

House Democrats tried Tuesday to pass health care reform without taking a vote on it. This is their chance. If it turns out they wasted an entire year and accomplished nothing they'll be able to run on all the money they saved the taxpayers.

Democrats vowed Monday to stay in session all weekend to pass the health care reform bill. They've agreed on everything except abortion, coverage for illegal immigrants, and how to pay for it. It makes Middle East peace look like a doable deal.

Democratic former congresswoman Marjorie Margolies assured former House members Tuesday there's life after Congress if voters run them out over health care reform. It was a sign that Democrats are getting cold feet on health care. When Democrats say everyone must sacrifice for the greater good they expect to get a sponsor's exemption.

Tea Party members stormed Congress Tuesday to protest health care reform. They are serious. Many of them are Southern Baptists and they just elected a nude male model U.S. senator from Massachusetts over the candidate who favored health care reform.

President Obama urged Democratic House members Tuesday to vote for health care reform even if the vote costs the congressmen their jobs. Fortunes of war. If they wanted to be on the government payroll for life they should have become auto workers.

The State Department warned college students Tuesday against going to Mexico on Spring Break. Drug cartels have been executing Americans. Mexico would do a lot better in world markets if they would learn not to kill or kidnap their best customers.

ESPN's Erin Andrews goes on ABC's Dancing with the Stars Monday days after her stalker went to prison for thirty months. She was furious he didn't get more time. He slipped a camera though her hotel door peephole, took pictures of her naked, posted them on the Internet for the world to see, and she has no sense of humor about it at all.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-18-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The L.A. Marathon will have a record number of runners this Sunday. There'll be twenty-five thousand people running down the street in the same direction. That's what happens when you start a rumor that the FDIC is shutting down the Bank of America.

Tiger Woods enlisted the aid of public relations advisor Ari Fleischer to help him handle the media Monday. He needs improvement. Tiger's last press conference was so robotic that TV viewers thought it was an infomercial for a high-tech sex doll.

Lady Gaga released a video Monday in which she and Beyonce gleefully kill their boyfriends by poisoning them. It includes a triumphant dance routine inside a women's prison. Of course it's a fantasy, celebrities would never be convicted in Los Angeles.

Parliament heard an environmental report Monday saying that snorting two lines of cocaine destroys four square yards of tropical rainforest. It's true. During the first season of Saturday Night Live six explorers died of thirst in the Amazon Desert.

The White House vowed to take up immigration reform Friday despite the issue's divisiveness. No one blames the immigrants. These people risk their lives to cross the dangerous Mexican border in order to achieve the American dream, a government job.

Democratic Party leaders in Washington predicted Monday that by the end of the week they will have the votes for health care reform. They said it will be the law of the land by Friday. They plan to celebrate at the opening ceremony of the Chicago Olympics.

The White House lobbied hard for health care reform on Monday. Their tally was still five short. Rahm Emanuel was naked at Reagan Airport lobbying congressmen trying to leave for Easter recess, and TSA still made him go through airport security.

John Edwards' mistress Rielle Hunter discussed her adulterous affair with John Edwards in GQ magazine. He's in big trouble for using campaign donors' money to support her and keep her quiet. John Edwards always said there are Two Americas, one where people work hard and raise their families and another one where men can be themselves.

Detroit city workers were ordered not to wear any perfume, cologne, aftershave or deodorant to work starting Monday due to a worker's lawsuit. He had no choice but to sue for huge damages over his fragrance injury. Nobody in Detroit owns a Toyota.

Toyota challenged Prius driver James Sikes's claims that his Prius ran wild on him on the San Diego Freeway last week. Only one thing rings true. He bought the car based on its ad slogan that Toyota puts the pedal to the metal and keeps it there.

Mattel announced Friday it will offer new Barbie and Ken dolls based on the TV show Mad Men. It's set in the early Sixties when New York advertising executives drank and smoked and had sex in their offices. The only way you can an attract an audience to watch a workplace drama is to set it during the Kennedy administration.

The Green Zone starring Matt Damon was clobbered by Alice in Wonderland at the box office. It's odd. If people want fairy tales you can't beat one which begins by saying once upon a time Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

Attorney General Eric Holder was criticized Monday for failing to reveal briefs he filed for a terror suspect before his confirmation hearings. Like nine other lawyers in the Justice Department, he represented terrorists for free. So the Republicans are wrong when they say that the Obama administration can't work with the other side.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-17-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Selection Sunday left the NCAA basketball tournament without traditional powers Indiana, UCLA and North Carolina invited to play. It's the new standard in sports. Everybody who cheated on their wives with pancake waitresses is out of the tournament.

Tiger Woods was reported Friday to be planning a return to the PGA Tour at the Masters in Augusta. He's been practicing but no one knows if he's ready. Everyone is waiting to see if he can drive three hundred yards without hitting a fire hydrant.

Charlie Sheen was arraigned in Colorado for threatening his wife Monday. Their lawyers are limiting the damage. They're both going to rehab, then they're both going to marriage counseling, then they're both going to Augusta to play in the Masters.

Chicago's O'Hare Airport installed its first full-body scanner on Tuesday. The city is famous for its pizza, pork ribs, steaks and beer. The TSA screeners can't be enjoying their job, nobody's seen this many spare tires since the Firestone recall.

President Obama's statue in Indonesia was taken down Thursday. The locals were throwing shoes at it. When people in Muslim cultures want to show disrespect they throw shoes at you, while in Protestant cultures they don't pass your health care bill.

President Obama told an Ohio crowd they'll get a three thousand dollar raise if health care passes. They all booed the insurance companies on cue and chanted Obama's name. It's nice to see that the studio audience from The Jeffersons is working again.

House Democrats conjured a strategy Monday that would allow the House to avoid a vote on the health care bill. Instead they would deem the bill passed and send it to the president. We ordered Iraq not to look, this is for mature democracies only.

President Obama made a guest appearance on the one-thousandth episode of America's Most Wanted. This president will do everything he can to get these men captured. He doesn't want to share the post office wall with anybody else's picture.

Toyota Motors stunned analysts Friday announcing that the sales of Toyotas rose fifty percent this month. The car fits the nation's personality. Americans are always trying to get ahead and tests show that if you drive a Toyota you'll never stop.

Nissan recalled five hundred thousand autos with faulty brakes and fuel gauges Thursday a week after Toyota's massive recall. It's out of control. The X-games just removed skateboarding and replaced it with driving a hybrid in the carpool lane.

Matt Damon drew rave reviews for the Green Zone as a U.S. Army officer searching for weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. He shared the credit. At the premiere he was very careful to thank the two people who made the movie possible, Bush and Cheney.

Rush Limbaugh declared on his radio show last week that he'll leave the United States to receive his health care if the ObamaCare plan passes. The doctors in the president's home state of Hawaii saved his life in December. He had the presence of mind during a heart attack to tell the emergency room nurse he was Nikita Khruschev.

Tea Party activists arrived on Capitol Hill for a protest against ObamaCare Tuesday and the Democratic leadership told House staffers to greet them with coffee and snacks. Are they crazy? You don't want agitators amped up on caffeine and sugar, this is the time Democrats should be seeking common ground on medical marijuana.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-16-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tom Hanks showed his HBO series The Pacific to President Obama Thursday in the White House. It's the true story of three U.S. Marines in World War II who killed a lot of Japanese soldiers. The timing is terrible, now it looks like Toyota's got a motive.

Toyota began a new advertising campaign Monday promising to fix their cars and thanking consumers for their patience. The automaker has never lied. Their last advertising campaign promised consumers that Toyota is the last car you'll ever drive.

Howard Stern hosted a beauty pageant of Tiger Woods's mistresses, who competed by modeling lingerie and telling Tiger sex stories. Ratings were huge. If the Miss America Pageant wants a new TV contract they have their work cut out for them.

Tiger Woods hired former White House spokesman Ari Fleischer Tuesday to advise him. Ari can handle the media onslaught. What's a little adultery scandal when you can look the country in the eye and say Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction?

The Royal Opera in London announced Friday it will stage an original production called Anna Nicole on the life of Anna Nicole Smith. Opera was never that big in England. No English tenor ever hit a high-C without accidentally backing into a spear first.

The U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco allowed God to stay in the Pledge of Allegiance. It was close. The judges were about to rule in favor of the atheists but then there were five major earthquakes around the world and they remembered how much trouble it is to drive around the bay to get to work every morning.

Moscow residents protested new Red Square billboards which show Josef Stalin smiling at the people. Stalin still has a following among people who want the government to take care of them. Two years ago he nearly won a U.S. congressional seat in New York.

President Obama spoke out for health care reform in St. Louis Wednesday. Many local politicians refused to be seen with him. When the Republicans see you as a socialist and Democrats see you as a smoker you can't even get a passenger for the carpool lane.

China announced Thursday it will hold college seminars on communist journalism given by Culture Minister Li Dong Dong. That's really his name. Eric Massa just offered China nuclear secrets if they'll let him study within arm's length of this guy.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi was reported Thursday to have been told last October that Congressman Eric Massa was living with young male staffers. He's become famous as a serial groper of male staffers. In the health care debate he favored Single Player.

The House Oversight Committee said Thursday the six billion dollars in bailout money loaned to GMAC will never be repaid. It's GM's finance company. GMAC had to pay that money out in executive bonuses to stay competitive with other financial firms.

Congressman Patrick Kennedy ranted Wednesday about the media caring more about Eric Massa than the Afghanistan war. What nerve. Patrick Kennedy comes from such a family of gropers that his grandfather Joe's hand played Thing in the Addams Family.

Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell said Thursday he will sign a law which bans the U.S. government from requiring Virginians to buy health insurance, signaling thirty-four other states who are considering the same bill. You know what this means. When Sarah Palin becomes president, she will be able to see the Confederacy from her house.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-14-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

French President Nicolas Sarkozy and first lady Carla Bruni were reported both carrying on adulterous affairs Tuesday. It's sad. The reason newspapers are doing so much better in Europe than in America is because our national pastime is baseball.

Sprint Cup's Carl Edwards was suspended Monday for a reckless crash. He struck another car and sent it into the air at two hundred mph. It's what they have to do to sell tickets now that they're competing with the excitement of amateurs in Toyotas.

The Academy Awards omitted Farrah Fawcett's name from their tribute to stars who died last year. Many are angry. Ryan O'Neal was so upset by her omission that he propositioned the reporter who asked him for his reaction, thinking it was his daughter.

The White House said Wednesday that passing health care reform will reduce the deficit. Critics say it'd he an expensive cradle-to-grave welfare system just like in France. The Eiffel Tower is the Empire State building after taxes.

Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade Monday over its talking baby ad starring Milkaholic Lindsay. She said they stole her image. The baby just countersued Lindsay because now the only book they'll read her in day care is the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous.

Naomi Campbell claimed Wednesday she was heading to Haiti when she disappeared after assaulting her chauffeur. She meant well. She's going to Haiti to counsel starving people on how they can make malnutrition work for them in the fashion industry.

Congressman Ron Paul denounced the idea of a national ID card to keep illegal aliens from taking American jobs. Don't think these cards can't be counterfeited. In America the rights of U.S. citizenship are enshrined but in Mexico they're laminated.

Senate Democrats ordered staffers not to read the Drudge Report at work Monday, saying it spreads a virus. The Democrats are clueless. It'd be news if just one of them is faithful to their spouses and they think viruses are coming from the Internet.

The House Ethics Committee may continue its ethics investigation into resigned congressman Eric Massa. It's just so embarrassing. The Ethics Committee investigated him for three months and couldn't find a trace of ethics on him.

Chief Justice John Roberts slammed President Obama for criticizing the Supreme Court in the State of the Union address. The president showed no respect for the justices. As far as he's concerned, any government employee who's not in a union is an enemy of the people.

President Obama flew to St. Louis to deliver his fortieth speech on health care reform Wednesday. He swore it would be his last speech on health care reform. The only they could fill the room is to tell the people something they wanted to hear.

The Dallas Cowboys will allow their old Texas Stadium to be imploded at the push of a button by an eleven-year-old essay winner. It could draw a million people. At the push of the button the stadium will explode and Texas will declare its independence.

The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content along with pitched battles over religious content. It's dangerous to let an oil state set textbook standards for the whole nation. On the eighth day God did not invent the internal combustion engine.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-12-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was accused by a Georgia college girl of sexually assaulting her in a bar. She told the police that he was out of control and wouldn't stop. He should have given the Prius to the valet when he had the chance.

Lindsay Lohan sued E-Trade for using her image in its talking baby commercial with the milkaholic baby Lindsay. She's right. Child Protective Services showed up during the shoot after they got a report there was cocaine in the baby's dressing room.

Karl Rove's book My Life as a Conservative came out on Monday about his career campaigning for Republicans. He started with Richard Nixon and he ended up with George W. Bush. He hopes St. Peter buys that progression as a sincere effort to improve.

Democrat Eric Massa says Rahm Emanuel stormed into the House gym shower naked and badgered him to vote for the president's budget. The congressmen was under investigation for groping three male staffers. Rahm Emanuel does a lot of research in order to find out how to give each congressman what he wants in exchange for his vote.

Congressman Eric Massa resigned Monday and went on Glenn Beck's show Tuesday to trade erratic and goofy statements with the host. They didn't need to compete. If Silence of the Lambs is made into a stage production it can play in two cities at once.

Joe Biden went to Israel to work on the Mideast peace process with Israel and the Palestinians. The president sent Biden to a region where one reckless remark could start a world war. Defense stocks rose on news that his plane landed safely in Israel.

Dan Rather told Chris Matthews Saturday that if the White House can't get health care passed, people will say President Obama couldn't sell watermelons on the roadside if a state trooper was stopping traffic for him. It offended many. The idea of cops pulling people over for no reason is still a sore subject in the black community.

President Obama gave House and Senate Democratic leaders a legislative deadline Monday, saying he wants the health care reform bill passed in ten days, before he leaves for Indonesia and Australia. He's flying away on Easter. That's what saviors do.

House Democratic leader Steny Hoyer told reporters Tuesday that Congress was not bound by any White House deadline for passing health care. The congressman had an epiphany. Someone slipped a copy of the Constitution in his Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue and he just found out that Congress has more power than the president.

The White House was reported by ESPN Tuesday to be considering banning sport fishing in America. It's a smart move. He's beginning to understand that the only way he can get reelected is if New York and California are the only two states left in the union.

The FBI arrested two Southern Californians Tuesday for taking and passing college tests for young Middle Eastern men so they could keep their student visas. A middle-aged white guy and a blonde college girl posed as young Middle Eastern men in classes and nobody in L.A. questioned them. A lot of people in show business change their names.

Howard Dean led protests outside an insurance conference in Washington Tuesday to demand national health care. He's not helping the situation. If he didn't march people outside in the cold and in the rain they might not get sick in the first place.

Senators Lindsey Graham and Chuck Schumer proposed a national ID card for everybody who has a job in America. Civil liberties lawyers and gun rights advocates hit the ceiling. It's the first time they've been on the same side of an issue since Yorktown.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-11-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Iraqis voted by the millions in Iraq's parliamentary elections Sunday, ignoring bomb and grenade attacks. It could have been worse. Thousands of lives were saved after both Sunnis and Shiites agreed not to make health care reform an election issue.

Golf World said Bill Clinton gave Tiger Woods a phone call of encouragement on Friday. The former president certainly has some experience in this to share with him. The best guess is that forty-two days of rehab were just undone by one phone call.

The House Commerce Committee called for Toyota to come clean over its problems with its fuel injection and sticky accelerators. It's not a problem everywhere. In California the Toyotas go so fast they are starting to cut into Porsche's market share.

Harrah's Casino estimated Friday that Americans will bet sixty billion dollars on the NCAA tournament. It includes legal bets in sports books and illegal office betting pools nationwide. The idea to teach children there is more to life than poker.

Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol Palin agreed to appear on the Secret Life of an American Teenager on the ABC Family Network this year. She's going to talk about the cost of being a single mother. It cost her her senior year in high school, it cost John McCain the election, and now it's going to cost the nation our free-market system.

The House Ethics Committee launched an investigation into Democratic Congressman Eric Massa, who resigned over it Monday. They couldn't give him a pass on ethics. With a name like Massa he would never be admitted into the Congressional Black Caucus.

General Motors announced last week they are closing the Hummer division. There is a mad scramble for Hummer's customer list. The male enhancement product company that gets that mailing list will rule the market for the next twenty years.

Indonesia suffered the latest earthquake Friday, following quakes in Haiti and Chile and Taiwan. We know who's next. Every house on the route of next week's L.A. Marathon has been advised to stock up on bottled water and watch the race from inside a doorway.

U.S. Rep. Eric Massa said Democrats ran him out of Congress because he is opposed to health care reform. He wanted to stay. He was accused of making sexual advances on a male staffer but it just wasn't enough to save his career in the Democratic Party.

President Obama will not be attending Washington D.C.'s annual Gridiron Dinner roast next week. Bill Clinton was invited to take his place. Traditionally the U.S. president is the guest of honor but there comes a point when you have to sell tickets.

President Obama on Monday ordered Congress to pass health care reform in ten days before congressmen go home for Easter and hear from voters. Resurrection season is scary for politicians. Republicans are worried that the health care bill will be resurrected and Democrats are scared that the Republican Majority will come back from the dead.

The Treasury Department will give Ben Franklin a new look on the one-hundred dollar bill. He gets a facelift every two years to thwart counterfeiters. One more facelift and people are going to wonder why Bruce Jenner's on the hundred dollar bill.

The Academy Awards shocked critics with its conservative theme on Sunday. Best Picture Oscar went to a pro Iraq War movie, Best Actor was about a country singer and Best Actress about a Southern white family who adopts a black kid. The biggest shock of the night was when they gave the Lifetime Achievement Award to George W. Bush.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-10-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Sandra Bullock won the Oscar for Best Actress Sunday one day after she won the Razzie for Worst Actress in another movie. It's not new. Last year Toyota won Car of the Year from both Car and Driver magazine and the Personal Injury Attorneys Guild.

The Hurt Locker won the Oscar for Best Picture over Avatar Sunday in Hollywood. It wasn't close. Avatar was a huge hit which used computer animated characters in the movie and actors would rather support the Iraq War than vote themselves out of a job.

Raquel Welch was flying to Chicago to do Oprah's show Tuesday when her bustier set off the metal detector at the L.A. airport. The danger was very real. If she opens the cockpit door wearing that thing, the pilot will do anything she tells him to do.

Tiger Woods reconciled with his wife Elin in Orlando Friday. He's amazing. Any guy who can make up with his wife without getting sued for breach of promise by any one of his fifteen mistresses has what we call in Los Angeles, good people skills.

Sarah Palin did the Tonight Show in Burbank last week and then pitched a reality show to ABC about her life in Alaska. The network turned it down. This is a nation raised on Rocky and Bullwinkle, we really don't want to see them in a pot on her stove.

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa said Rahm Emanuel approached him naked in the House shower and yelled at him to back health care. What a circus. Ever since Barney Frank took away the curtains, Democrats have enjoyed the element of surprise in the House shower.

San Diego cops assisted a Prius driver who was stuck going a hundred miles an hour Monday. Californians love this car. Not only can you drive in the carpool lane by yourself in a Prius but you can go a hundred miles an hour with full immunity.

L.A. Airport installed the first full-body scanners in America Saturday. This is a pilot program. They want to start the program in a city where everyone's bulimic so that the naked bodies on the demo reel will look good in the congressional hearings.

The White House told staffers Monday to ignore all the press stories of palace intrigue in the Washington D.C. newspapers. It's bad. The president has been spiking everybody's Diet Cokes with Flomax but so far it hasn't stopped the continuous leaking.

President Obama's haircut was described by hair stylists Monday as the Caesar Cut. It copies Julius Caesar, who overthrew the Roman Republic and established a dictatorship. Nobody would have believed two years ago that by 2012, Dick Cheney would be able to run for president as the Middle Way between socialism and oil kingdom.

The White House haggled with moderate Democrats opposed to health care reform Monday. It marked the one-year anniversary of the president's health care push. A year ago he was promising quality affordable health care for all Americans, and today he's promising to quit smoking eventually and do something about his cholesterol.

Ben Roethlisberger was accused of sex assault by a college girl Saturday. He's being sued for rape in another incident. Next time he lunges across the goal line the announcer should think twice before saying that Ben Roethlisberger won't be denied.

The Texas School Board wrestled with history book content Monday with opposing panels battling over religious references. Some editing is necessary. The Garden of Eden was not in Austin and Joshua did not led the Israelites to victory over Oklahoma.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-9-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

US Airways captain Sully Sullenberger retired last week, a year after landing his airliner safely on the Hudson River. He said he owed it all to good communication with the control tower. He's just lucky his six-year-old grandson was on duty that day.

Sarah Palin did a stand-up routine on the Tonight Show Tuesday. They booked her for an interview and stand-up comedy. After the psychiatric profession classifed narcissism as a disability last week, Democrats are required to give her equal access.

Academy Award nominees were ordered not to thank anyone during their acceptance speeches Sunday. It's no secret why. Hollywood is so liberal that it's trying to convey the impression that anything good that happens is caused by a government program.

Betty White was named to host Saturday Night Live this year thanks to her hit Super Bowl ad. An eighty-eight-year-old woman now delivers the young male demographic. NBC just annnounced that in five years they are going to replace Jay Leno with Joan Rivers.

The Episcopal Church reunited with the Methodists in England, triggering talks of reunification in the U.S. This would split the Tea Party. Until now, they've had to spend all their time fighting socialists, now the monarchists are coming over the hill.

President Obama underwent a virtual colonoscopy procedure during his physical last week. Virtual colonoscopies don't require sedation but real colonoscopies do. The procedure is administered by a gastroenterologist and occasionally by a choreographer.

Congressman Pete Stark declined to chair the Ways and Means Committee Friday. He's next in line but there's too much old videotape of him spewing anti-business and anti-war venom. He could retire on the royalties from his Michael Moore movies alone.

Democratic Congressman Eric Massa of New York resigned Thursday as allegations surfaced that he sexually harassed a young male staffer. It's not the first time this has happened. U.S. Congressmen are always anxious to turn the page on this kind of scandal, but turning the pages is what started the scandal in the first place.

President Obama went on America's Most Wanted Saturday to celebrate the series' one-thousandth episode. It's only right. For ten years America's Most Wanted has helped tracked down criminals and Saturday's show was devoted to Illinois politicians.

President Obama named a judge to sit on the Tenth Circuit Court of Appeals whose brother is a U.S. congressman undecided on his health care reform vote. This came on the heels of the Louisiana, Florida and Nebraska bribes. The electricity bill at the White House has tripled since the Chicago Machine started running in the basement.

President Obama met with ten House Democrats opposed to the health care bill. He did all he could to get their votes. He promised to campaign for them in their districts and when that didn't work, he threatened to campaign for them in their districts.

Tiger Woods was dropped by Gatorade as its TV commercial spokesman Tuesday. It was the first corporate response to his apology. There's a lot of money at stake here, and Gatorade doesn't want credit for the energy lift that broke up his marriage.

Taiwan was hit by an earthquake Wednesday a week afer Chile's monster quake and two weeks after Haiti's. The global swarm of earthquakes has Californians nervous. The earth's tectonic plates are the original example of what goes around comes around.




Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-7-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The Weather Channel reported an earthquake hit Taiwan Wednesday. This followed massive quakes in Chile and in Haiti. California is sitting nervously on death row knowing that the governor's phone was turned off because he couldn't pay the bill.

The FAA suspended a JFK Airport controller Thursday for letting his little boy direct air traffic from the tower. The kid was a natural on the microphone. Within two days Michael Jackson's father had signed him to a contract and taken all his money.

The Berlin Zoo may castrate a polar bear to keep him from mating with a female polar bear because she's his cousin. They said it threatens diversity. Leave it to Germans to determine the difference between white polar bears and white polar bears.

Tiger Woods returned to his Florida home from Arizona Tuesday where he finally began practicing golf. He hasn't yet announced when he will return to the game which made him internationally famous. It all depends upon his wife's travel schedule.

The Golf Channel debuted a new reality show called Being John Daly. It follows him as he tries to return to the tour. Last year John Daly was only invited to six tournaments--the Betty Ford, the Meadows, Hazledon, Promises in Malibu and SmokeEnders.

The Smithsonian on Monday rejected the suit that O.J. Simpson wore in court the day he was acquitted of murder. The museum won't hear of it. They're afraid that some night the suit will get jealous and attack a first lady's gown with Jim Bowie's knife.

President Obama introduced a new health care bill Wednesday flanked by doctors dressed in white lab coats. They smiled and applauded his every word. He's casting for a new White House doctor after the last one yelled at him for smoking and eating fried food.

President Obama told the country all the wonderful things his health care plan will do for everybody. He sounded like a waiter describing the nightly specials. Everything sounds great but when the check comes you have to burn the restaurant down.

President Obama said Wednesday that the time for talk about health care reform has ended and debate is over. One thing's for certain. He'll have a nice audition tape ready for presentation when the job of North Korean dictator is finally open.

Senator Mike Johanns of Nebraska hinted the U.S. should cut off Japanese car imports because Japan won't buy Nebraska beef. Japan thinks U.S. beef is unsafe, but it isn't true. Nebraskans who drive off the road cause car wrecks, not the cows they hit.

JP Morgan's chairman Jamie Dimon said the risk of California defaulting on its debt is bigger than the risk of Greece defaulting on its debt. He's wrong. The Greeks invented democracy and Calfornia invented fake breasts, which way would you bet?

The Miss America Pageant was dropped by the Learning Channel Monday. There's no worry. If they can just get the contestants to stop talking about achieving world peace and start talking about winning the War on Terror, Fox News will air the pageant.

GOP Congressman Patrick McHenry of North Carolina said Tuesday he wants Ronald Reagan's picture to replace Ulysses Grant on the U.S. fifty-dollar bill. You can see where this is going. Ten bucks says a year from now it will be on the Texas one-dollar bill.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-5-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

New York madam Kristin Davis announced Monday she will run for governor. She's promised to legalize prostitution. The way lawmakers have been screwing the taxpayers it was inevitable that someone would step up and demand a cut for arranging it.

The Winter Olympics reportedly scored near-record ratings for NBC in the last two weeks. Only one Winter Olympics drew more viewers. If Olympic medals were given to athletes who draw the best ratings, Tonya Harding would still be on a box of Wheaties.

Washington motorist Roy Messenger crashed into a power pole Monday. While he was waiting for help to arrive he urinated on a live wire and got electrocuted. He is the first conductor to be killed all year who wasn't text messaging at the time.

Pamela Anderson was selected to be a celebrity contestant on ABC's Dancing with the Stars this fall. It will be great to see her again. Several years ago she had breast reduction surgery, a procedure that is better known in Hollywood as retirement.

Tiger Woods won a CBS poll of womanizers Americans are most likely to forgive. He outpolled Charlie Sheen, John Edwards and Roman Polanksi. CBS wanted to put him in a match-up he could win to help him get his confidence back in time for the Masters.

Texas Governor Rick Perry easily won the GOP primary for governor Tuesday. He conducted an old-fashioned campaign right out of the playbook of John C. Calhoun. He put up no yard signs, he made no robo calls, and he hinted at secession.

President Obama got a physical at Bethesda Hospital Saturday. He was given a virtual colonoscopy in which the doctors simulate a thorough rectal exam without actually doing one. It's the same way the House Ethics Committee's been examining Charlie Rangel.

President Obama said he'll consider four of the GOP health care ideas. That is news. Until now the only four GOP ideas he's considered are keep your head still, take the club back low, make a full backswing, then let your hips begin the downswing.

GM announced a sales increase in February as the House continued dragging Toyota over the coals. The lawmakers really beat up on the world's number-one carmaker. If congressmen don't sell their quota of GM cars by the end of the month, they get fired.

Toyota recalled nine hundred thousand cars Monday to fix leaky oil hoses. It's a safety issue. With oil at eighty dollars a barrel, unemployed people are chasing after Toyotas with paper cups trying to catch enough to keep their cars running.

Postmaster General John Potter asked Congress to eliminate Saturday mail delivery. It's an effort to trim postal costs. They say eliminating Saturday delivery will reduce stress on the postal workers, and maybe fewer of them will require anti-psychotic medication.

Hillary Clinton arrived in Chile with earthquake relief supplies Tuesday. She brought generators, home supplies, water purification systems and field hospitals. It was all left over from when she survived the Starr Report without getting indicted.

The Census Bureau angered Americans with census form questions this week. They ask you to state your income. You must answer carefully because if you report an income that's too low, the government will take away your children, and if it's too high the government will show up at your door and make you pay your neighbor's mortgage.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-4-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Russia's president Dmitri Medvedev demanded Olympic coaches be fired Monday after a poor showing in Vancouver. They miss the old Soviet system. Nothing's more effective than a hockey coach who can honestly tell his team that it is shoot or be shot out there.

Tiger Woods checked out of sex rehab and into a drug rehab last week. Sex rehabs turn you into a drug addict, drug rehabs turn you into an alcoholic, and alcohol rehabs turn you back into a sex addict. America can power windmills with this kind of energy.

Hawaii was warned a killer wave was en route after Friday's big earthquake. It stirred up a bar association convention in Oahu. They had two hundred lawyers on the island perfectly willing to sue God but they couldn't get a volunteer to serve Him.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders was revised Thursday, sixteen years after its last edition. It defines narcissistic personality disorder as a physical disability. Now everyone in Los Angeles is entitled to handicapped parking.

USA Today said El Nino left record rainfall in Los Angeles this winter. We got more rain than Colombia. The foreclosure crisis is behind us now that the front lawn of every vacant home in Beverly Hills can grow enough coca bushes to pay the mortgage.

Jerry Brown announced Tuesday he will run for California governor in November. He was governor in the Seventies. Whenever there are high gas prices, tensions with Iran and a drug epidemic, Jerry Brown returns to the governor's office like the swallows to Capistrano.

Parliament's Daniel Hannon founded the British Tea Party Friday to lower taxes and reduce government. Smaller government is a bad idea there. How many tourists are going to fly to London to see the Changing of the Guard outside the Queen's condo unit?

Charlie Rangel refused to step down Monday after being admonished by the House Ethics Committee. The chairman said what he did was not unethical. When a Democrat secretly accepts Caribbean trips from wealthy corporations it's called bipartisanship.

Nancy Pelosi was told by pollsters Monday there's a very real chance Democrats could lose control of the House to Republicans. Under Pelosi's leadership no landmark progressive social legislation has been passed. She should be preserved in amber.

President Obama's annual physical Saturday resulted in the doctor advising him to try to drink moderately. It's a measure of the anger in the country. He has to host six beer summits each day just to keep his approval rating over forty percent.

New York Governor David Paterson said he won't seek re-election. He's condoned graft in the governor's office, casual drug use, and sex between co-workers. About the only thing you can say for his administration is that no one is ever late to work.

Toyota recalled a hundred and twenty-eight thousand oil hoses Monday. So now it's the breaks, the accelerators, the electronics, and the cars are leaking oil. The Japanese thought it would be impolite to build a car where everything works but the driver.

Reverend Louis Farrakhan spoke to four hundred thousand Black Muslims Saturday in Chicago. He said people are conspiring to make Obama a one-term president. He said he's tired of playing the white man's game, but why bring hockey into this?



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-3-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Team Canada won the Olympic gold medal in hockey in Vancouver Sunday, defeating Team USA in an overtime thriller for the ages. No one has ever seen a happier home crowd. In Canada prescription drugs are so affordable that everybody is on Paxil.

Tiger Woods threatened to sue animal-welfare group PETA after they tried to put his photo on billboards saying Too Much Sex Can Be a Bad Thing. It's obviously not a real endorsement. It would be like putting Dick Cheney's picture on a Christmas card saying Peace on Earth.

Hawaiians headed for the hills Friday after news channels warned that a killer tsunami was coming. The wave was three feet high but it left quite a crowd on the beach. Whales can talk and the word had to be out that there's an opening at SeaWorld.

The Massachusetts Assembly was asked Monday by the Association for the Intellectually Challenged to outlaw the word retard. The advocates don't want the words retard or retarded used publicly in the Bay State. The acceptable term is non-Harvard.

Jay Leno returned to his late-night ratings war with Dave Letterman Monday. Jay booked Sarah Palin and Dave booked Mitt Romney. Johnny Carson started the tradition of only booking handsome leading men and ditzy actresses when he needed great ratings.

The Weather Channel reported winter records due to El Nino Monday. There's record cold in the East, record warm in the Northwest, and record rain in L.A., and forget about the South. It's the first time the Daytona 500 was run with chains on the tires.

The California Assembly passed a measure Friday declaring this week to be Cuss-Free Week in California. The timing was terrible. They declared this on a week when twenty people were nominated for an Academy Award and thirty million people weren't.

Senator Jim Bunning singlehandedly blocked new unemployment benefits Monday. It was embarrassing to Republicans who were trying to extend people some help in this bad economy. Some of their constituents have been reduced to carrying their own golf bags.

The White House said Monday President Obama will unveil a new slimmed-down health care reform bill today. No one believes the bill will stay slim for long. We've all seen what happened to Kirstie Alley and Chris Berman after they cashed the checks.

President Obama underwent his annual physical Saturday and afterwards the doctor lectured the president on smoking cigarettes and advised him to moderate his alcohol use. It's not Obama's fault. Every time he picks up a glass of water it changes into wine.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton embarked Monday upon a five-day trip to South America where she'll meet with leaders and promote Pan-American goodwill. Hillary's always had a special place in her heart for things Spanish. She even married Don Juan.

Toyota's president Akio Toyoda apologized to the House Oversight Committee last week. He was in town anyway. The Washington D.C. Auto Show had just been held at the civic arena and he was there to pay for the hole in the wall left by the new Corollas.

The Rostov Zoo in Russia sent Zhora the chimp to treatment for beer and tobacco addiction. Zoo visitors can't resist him when he beckons for a smoke or a beer. Next time a killer whale waves his tail at you at SeaWorld, he is not inviting you to hop on for a ride.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 3-2-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The NFL annual Scouting Combine began in Indianapolis Thursday. Each potential draftee is tested and examined and weighed and measured and evaluated. We could solve the national health care crisis if we could just get the NFL to draft everybody.

SeaWorld said Friday Tilly the Killer Whale won't be taken out of their shows after he killed his third person last week. The lines are around the block. Nobody ever thought of capturing Osama bin Laden by offering him three shows a day at SeaWorld.

British rugby star Terry Newton became the first athlete ever to test positive for Human Growth Hormone. There's a new test that measures HGH in the bloodstream. The drug makes you younger but if you do too much of it you can't get into nightclubs.

Tiger Woods checked into an Arizona rehab for painkillers Tuesday. He just left sex rehab. USA Today showed a map of the United States with a red dot on the map every place where a Tiger Woods mistress lives, and he has better coverage than Verizon.

Toyota president Akio Toyoda was besieged by grandstanding questions Wednesday from the House Oversight Committee. The Japanese sat at the witness table and looked stunned. Anybody would be with fifteen airbags going off in front of your face.

Dick Cheney was released from the hospital in Washington D.C. Wednesday after he suffered his fourth mild heart attack last week. He'll be fine as long as nothing upsets him. Doctors ordered him to stay in bed for two weeks and get lots of Fox News.

Roman Polanski drew rave reviews Thursday for his new political thriller, The Ghost Writer, which just opened. His old Hollywood friends stand by him. He only had sex with a minor, it's not like he was trying to buy health insurance across state lines.

Blair House hosted the health care summit Thursday near the Jefferson Memorial and the Washington Monument. Blair House is named for an old Maryland planter. The Lincoln Memorial is the only thing in Washington that isn't named after a slave owner.

President Obama lobbied lawmakers hard for health care reform Thursday. At the end the president vowed to ram it through without Republican consent. If he can make it sound like a sex scandal everybody will stop calling him another Jimmy Carter.

President Obama hosted lawmakers Thursday saying he wanted bipartisan input on health care reform. Nobody's mind was changed. At the summit's end he threatened to go with the nuclear option, showing he's tougher on Republicans than he is on Iran.

President Obama promised equal time to Republicans to get them to attend Thursday's health summit. Once it started he declared he's the president and time rules don't apply to him. They all go in as Jimmy Stewart and within a year they're Saddam Hussein.

GM announced the end of Hummer after Chinese regulators refused to approve its purchase Wednesday. It was a proven dual-use vehicle. The Hummer had to earn its stripes in the Persian Gulf War before being approved for Los Angeles drug dealer use.

The House Ethics Committee issued its finding on House Ways and Means Chairman Charlie Rangel. They say he broke ethics rules by attending a conference where corporations were paying all the bills. House Ethics rules clearly state that the money must be securely wrapped and stored in the freezer so investigators think it's a casserole.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio