Argus Hamilton's column for 11-30-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Red Cross president Mark Everson was fired by the board of directors Wednesday after he admitted to having an adulterous affair in the workplace. The staff at the relief agency was reported to be furious at him. Those cots are for storm victims.

NBC confirmed Tuesday it may start firing Tonight Show staffers as the writers' strike goes into its fourth week. They could all lose their houses. If this strike doesn't end soon, the entire Tonight Show staff may end up sleeping in Jay Leno's cars.

O.J. Simpson pleaded not guilty in Las Vegas Wednesday and was ordered to stand trial in April. He could get life in prison for using a handgun in the commission of a robbery. When he stopped using a knife it was like Michael Jordan playing baseball.

The American Journal of Clinical Nutrition published research Tuesday showing that women who drink moderate amounts of wine have healthier blood vessels. Wine is a wonderful thing for women. It raises their good cholesterol and lowers their standards.

GOP presidential candidates held a debate in Florida Wednesday. The candidates spent the first half-hour bashing illegal immigration and vowing to build longer and higher border walls. There must be an easier way to recruit steeplechase champions.

Rudy Giuliani was reported Wednesday to have billed New York City for security expenses as mayor when he visited the Hamptons to commit adultery with Judi Nathan. You cannot expect the mayor to travel without security. What if his wife follows him?

President Bush drew good reviews Wednesday for his determined effort in Middle East talks. For seven years, Republicans have shown little interest in keeping the prospects of peace alive. They've got their hands full just keeping Dick Cheney alive.

President Bush held a meeting Tuesday with Israel's Prime Minister Ehud Olmert and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas. The president assured the Palestinian and Israeli leaders that he's personally committed to the peace process. So it's finished.

President Bush promised Tuesday to help the Palestinians and the Israelis find common ground. Was this wise? If President Bush knew just a little more about the Middle East, he'd know that common ground only leads to gun battles over water rights.

Bill Clinton spoke about himself in Iowa for two hours on Tuesday when he was supposed to be talking about Hillary. This is a tough year for him. Everywhere Bill Clinton goes, he puts seven chairs next to him so he'll feel like he's in the debates.

Venezuela broke diplomatic ties with Colombia Tuesday over a tiff between their leaders. Venezuela is a huge oil producer and Colombia exports cocaine. These two countries have more American dollars than the Federal Reserve and China put together.

Senator Teddy Kennedy signed the richest political book deal in history Monday to write his memoirs. He's been keeping detailed notes throughout his career. His co-author now faces the daunting task of collating a hundred thousand cocktail napkins.

Richard Nixon's tapes revealed Tuesday he almost appointed FBI agent Mark Felt to head the FBI. He's the guy who leaked Watergate secrets as Deep Throat. Mark Felt had a lot of nerve claiming he was Deep Throat when the only thing he ever blew was the whistle.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-29-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush held a Middle East peace conference Tuesday, resulting in Israelis and Arabs agreeing to have an accord by next year. They only had one day to reach a peaceful settlement. That's as long as they could keep Dick Cheney in the hospital.

Israel's Ehud Olmert and Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas agreed to begin talks for an independent Palestine. They'll meet every two weeks. The leaders say they are worried because they can hear the clock ticking, at least they think it's a clock.

President Bush badly mispronounced the names of Mahmoud Abbas and Ehud Olmert when he introduced them Tuesday, and then the president pulled their hands together behind the podium where no one could see the handshake. This was his first attempt at peacemaking, and everyone understood he was trying. No one keeps score in tee-ball.

Sudan jailed an English schoolteacher in Khartoum Tuesday after she supervised a classroom election in which the children voted to name a teddy bear Muhammed. She faces a possible forty lashes. That's how opposed they are to elections in Sudan.

Auburn beat Alabama Saturday in one of college football's huge rivalries. After one long incomplete pass in the end zone, an Alabama police dog jumped out and bit the Auburn safety in the hand. To a dog, every football player looks like Michael Vick.

Fred Thompson blamed his slumping presidential campaign Sunday on biased press coverage. This could work out for him. If his poll numbers keep going down and the Hollywood strike doesn't end soon he won't lose a single day of work on Law and Order.

The Writers Guild tried Monday to settle its strike, which has shut down television. It's getting bad. Last night Kelsey Grammar surprised some tourists at the Polo Lounge by stopping by their table to say hello, and then taking their order.

Washington D.C. was named in a health survey Tuesday as having the highest rate of sexually transmitted disease of any city in the United States. The government is clearly to blame. You can't screw that many taxpayers each day and not catch something.

The U.S. Army announced Monday it is retrofitting a million uniforms because the crotch seams keep ripping while soldiers are working in Iraq. They must be sewn up tight. Anything that makes pulling out any easier is a violation of the Bush Doctrine.

Blackwater Security guards were accused in a victim's lawsuit Tuesday of being on steroids as they patrol Iraq. That would explain all the rage incidents. They fell under suspicion when one of them hit an insurgent all the way into McCovey Cove.

Oprah Winfrey agreed to travel to Iowa early next week to speak at rallies for Barack Obama's campaign and to help train his caucus delegates. Crowds line up for hours for the chance to see Oprah in person. That's how many people have written books.

Bill Clinton answered his wife's call to head for Iowa on Monday where he went from town to town on behalf of her candidacy. The former president just loves to get out among the people and press the flesh. It hardly left any time for campaigning.

Teddy Kennedy signed a huge deal Tuesday to write his memoirs in two years. He must have some priceless memories. The Kennedys harken back to a more innocent time in our history when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-28-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Bush welcomed delegates from forty nations Tuesday to his Middle East peace conference in Maryland. People just laughed. President Bush hosting a Middle East peace conference is like Malibu advertising itself as a sensible place to build.

Malibu wildfires died down on Monday after destroying fifty-three homes in the exclusive beachfront community. It's a neighborhood of show business people living next to an evangelical college, Pepperdine. The friction starts fires every two months.

Miss Puerto Rico was sabotaged at her pageant Sunday by someone who put pepper spray inside her gown and poison in her lipstick. The audience demanded a refund. People came to watch the Miss Puerto Rico pageant and a Miss Russia pageant broke out.

Miami Dolphins' star Ricky Williams returned in time for the Pittsburgh Steelers game after a long suspension for pot. Reaction was swift. The Steelers signed Willie Nelson to get up there and tackle Ricky Williams no matter how high he dives into the end zone.

The National Retail Federation said holiday shopping is down three percent this year. The numbers are misleading. Until somebody figures out how to put a bow on a tank of gasoline, it doesn't count as Christmas shopping no matter how much you pay for it.

John Edwards marched with striking screenwriters in Beverly Hills Monday. He's right at home here. We're the only people who know that his four-hundred-dollar haircut is what you pay at SuperCuts in Beverly Hills, but only if you have a coupon.

Dick Cheney went to the hospital Monday for a procedure to treat his irregular heartbeat. The medical team fired electricity into his heart. Something Dr. Frankenstein never told us was that the monster will require regular booster shots.

Senator Trent Lott announced Monday he'll give up his Senate seat, leaving his Senate leadership post open. The Senate Republicans must elect a new whip. Right now Senator Jon Kyl's running neck-and-neck with the Saudi Arabian Justice Minister.

Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Tuesday to argue that Hillary is the most electable candidate. Everyone was glad to see him. Bill Clinton reminds us all of the time when crossing boundaries referred to sexual harassment and not Middle East invasions.

President Bush signed a deal with Iraq's Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki Monday, committing U.S. troops to stay in Iraq permanently. The pattern is familiar. It's the illusion of every alcoholic to think they can occupy a country like normal people.

President Bush met Al Gore in the Oval Office Monday before a ceremony saluting this year's Nobel Prize winners. The president was a gracious host. He pushed the thermostat up to ninety degrees to make Al Gore feel that he's right about everything.

Newsweek on Monday spotlighted Rudy Giuliani's upbringing amid all the cops and mobsters in his family. You either want to keep New York safe or you don't. Not even the janitors' union struck the World Trade Center when John Gotti protected the place.

Pat Buchanan has written a new book called Day of Reckoning, which says the Iraq War was imperial folly, free trade is a destructive cult and illegal immigration is ruining the country. You can't make it up. Pat Buchanan was Richard Nixon's speechwriter and political advisor, and the Bush administration is even too evil for him to explain.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-27-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Condi Rice will host a peace conference in Maryland today with Israel and the Arab nations. President Bush is pursuing peace in the Middle East. Everybody tells him that the best way to win an Academy Award is to gain ten pounds and play against type.

Malibu suffered the loss of fifty-one homes Saturday from wildfires ignited by Santa Ana winds. Rescue shelters were set up at two schools, but no one showed up. Why on earth would anybody fly down from Park City to spend the night in a gymnasium?

The New York Jets apologized Sunday to the women attending their games who are urged by screaming fans to flash their breasts. The fans are nuts. Last week they gave a five-minute standing ovation to two bald-headed guys who were sitting together.

The Miami Dolphins reinstated Ricky Williams Tuesday after he finished serving his NFL suspension. He's a world-famous running back. The government of Colombia just decided to honor Ricky Williams by placing his photograph on the five-pound bale.

Hillary Clinton sang old hymns at Grace United Methodist Church in Des Moines on Christ the King Sunday. They took up two collections to get her to stop singing. Whenever Hillary sings she sounds like a cat on its way to the tennis racket factory.

Saudi Arabia agreed to attend today's peace conference in Maryland as a favor to the Republicans. The Democrats make the Saudis feel like they're replaceable. Barack Obama is slick and John Edwards is oily and Bill Clinton is nothing if not crude.

Mike Huckabee said Sunday Americans are paying high gas prices that let Saudis finance schools that teach terrorism. We're paying to train terrorists and paying to defend against terrorists. Apparently arranging dogfights is only illegal in Virginia.

Mike Huckabee ripped President Bush Sunday for not speaking out about the Saudi rape victim who was sentenced to two hundred lashes. The president's afraid to say anything. His father is so close to the Saudis that King Abdullah packs his parachute.

Saudi Arabia's Justice Minister defended his decision to sentence a rape victim to two hundred lashes Sunday. He said she was an adulteress who was asking for it. When you make a hundred dollars a barrel you think every woman you meet is a gold digger.

Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams criticized the U.S. invasion of Iraq in an interview published Sunday. He said it was worse than any British colonial-era land grab. That's a good way to get a million nasty e-mails from the American Indians.

Thanksgiving weekend shopping brought relief to U.S. retailers Sunday. Americans rushed into the stores just as soon as they opened. Everyone wanted to get their shopping done before all the merchandise is recalled for lead content and child labor.

GOP candidate Ron Paul was endorsed for president Saturday by a Nevada brothel owner. They aren't far apart in their views. Ron Paul believes in an immediate pullout and the brothel owner is in favor of the customer having the full fifteen minutes.

The Republican Party was reported Sunday to be recruiting very wealthy people to run for Congress using their own money. It's an awful idea. People with that much money get used to saying whatever they think, and that will end anyone's career in politics.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-26-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The National Retail Federation predicted less consumer spending this Christmas season. It's due to the war, the mortgage crisis and high gas prices. The mood of the country is so gloomy that the start of the holiday season is called Black Friday.

Canadians invaded the U.S. Friday to Christmas shop with the Canadian dollar, which is far stronger than the U.S. dollar. What a slide. Seven years ago we were the world's only superpower, and now we're just hoping that Canadians like us enough to leave a nice tip.

Thailand lawmakers proposed a bill Friday that orders all citizens to stand at attention twice a day for their national anthem. They'll be sorry. We tried this for a year after the World Trade Center attack and when the music stopped we were in Iraq.

White House terrorism advisor Fran Townsend announced Tuesday she will resign to work in the private sector. She ran a tight ship. Last December Santa Claus was detained without bail when he wouldn't hand over his naughty list to Homeland Security.

Saudi Arabia agreed Friday to attend the Mideast peace talks in Annapolis. The White House was smart to invite every nation in the Arab League. With no troops left, our only way to topple these governments is to detain their leaders at Reagan Airport.

The Writers Guild meets with studios today to try to end the three-week-long strike. It must be done. No one wants to say networks are buying their scripts on the street corners but in all the new pilots the crack dealer is the romantic lead.

Fred Thompson bought Christmas gifts for his kids in New Hampshire Friday. He's sixty-five years old. How can people criticize Barry Bonds for using performance-enhancing drugs when Fred Thompson has a three-year-old child and a one-year-old baby?

U.S. Olympic star Marion Jones was stripped of all her Olympic medals. It seemed inevitable. She wore them into the New York Jets game at the Meadowlands on Sunday and by the time she walked through Gate D, the medals were gone and so was her lingerie.

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee tied for the lead in Iowa in the latest presidential poll. He's a conservative Republican and a gun rights advocate who strongly supports the sanctity of holy marriage. It's just the latest in a long list of gay stereotypes.

Hillary Clinton was targeted by a scurrilous e-mail campaign in South Carolina Friday. The e-mails claim that Hillary is having a lesbian affair with a black female staffer. For Southern voters over fifty, interracial dating is still a problem.

Rudy Giuliani started campaigning in diners in New Hampshire Friday along with his television camera crews. He's really starting to annoy people. When Rudy walks into the restaurant with his handkerchief over his face, the chef takes it personally.

China would not let the USS Kitty Hawk dock in Hong Kong Thursday. The sailors had to stay on the ship for Thanksgiving. When the carrier turned around and headed back to Japan, they resisted the temptation to give the Chinese some of their lead back.

Black Friday saw millions of shoppers stampede into malls the moment the doors opened Friday. People were glued to their TV sets. Everyone wants to know what's going to happen at the Social Security office when the first Baby Boomers retire in January.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-25-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Alabama coach Nick Saban compared his team's loss to Louisiana Monroe Saturday to Pearl Harbor and the Twin Towers attack. Crimson Tide fans are mortified. They don't feel that anyone should minimize a catastrophe like the loss of a football game.

Dick Cheney hosted Thanksgiving dinner in Maryland Thursday for his family and a few key staffers. They followed a time-honored ritual. Before they begin to eat, they join hands, close their eyes, bow their heads and get their stories straight.

President Bush denied Tuesday that he knew anything about a cover-up of the leak of Valerie Plame's CIA identity. He's in a fix. For years people said President Bush didn't know anything, and now when he says he didn't know anything, nobody believes him.

Cell and Science journals announced Wednesday that scientists have created stem cells without using embryos, raising hopes for miracle cures. It's not enough. Unless they can cure the ills of the mortgage market, no one is going to live to see the New Year.

Los Angeles shopping malls opened at three in the morning Friday. Extra hours won't help. To compete with Internet shopping, retailers will have to show live camera feeds from the women's dressing room and set up poker tables in the men's department.

New York Jets fans were accused Tuesday of urging women to lift their tops and flash their breasts at games. When the women comply, the men roar their approval. Encouraging women to believe they are beautiful might stop these senseless plastic surgery deaths.

St. Patrick's Cathedral pulled all crucifixes from its gift shop Monday. The church had just learned that the crucifixes are made by underage kids in China. Now the foreman of the sweatshop could be executed in China for promoting Christianity in the workplace.

Neil Diamond said Tuesday a photograph of ten-year-old Caroline Kennedy inspired him to write Sweet Caroline thirty years ago. Those were more innocent times. Today Neil Diamond is no longer allowed to live within two hundred yards of a public school.

Arkansas' former governor Mike Huckabee overtook Mitt Romney in the polls in Iowa Wednesday. It could be the start of a surge. Mike Huckabee lost a hundred pounds two years ago, which is experience voters appreciate during the week of Thanksgiving.

Senator David Vitter learned Monday he won't have to testify against Washington D.C. madam Debbie Palfrey. She performs a public service. She offers senators the chance to end their careers without having to fly all the way to the Minneapolis airport.

Saudi Arabian courts last week sentenced a female rape victim to ninety lashes for being alone with a man without a male relative present. The whipping was a public service message. Saudis want the world to know that they don't just hate Jews.

President Bush praised Hillary Clinton in an ABC News interview Wednesday. It's no mystery why the president is being so nice to her. The way the CIA leak scandal is playing out, he's being nice to everybody who might be in a position to pardon him.

Barack Obama told a high school assembly that he drank alcohol and smoked pot in high school. He also admitted to cocaine use. Rudy Giuliani praised his honesty and expects the favor to be returned if adultery comes up during next year's debates.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-23-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Former Press Secretary Scott McClellan said Tuesday that President Bush helped to cover up the leak of CIA agent Valerie Plame's identity. It caused panic. Later that day at the annual turkey pardoning ceremony, President Bush wrung the turkey's neck and pardoned himself.

Michael Vick went to prison Monday for arranging dogfights and executing underperforming pit bulls. He was known to be vicious. Dog the Bounty Hunter refused to go on Dancing with the Stars for fear of what Michael Vick would do to him if he lost.

King Juan Carlos of Spain told Hugo Chavez to just shut up during last Friday's summit in Madrid, and his words are now a huge seller as a cellphone ring tone. The king won't see a cent from the downloads. He made a big mistake when he joined the Writers Guild.

The Weather Channel warned Monday that stormy weather would delay Thanksgiving travel across the nation. It was slow. Delays were so long at Minneapolis Airport that Senator Larry Craig went to the men's room because he had to go to the men's room.

Superman star Brandon Routh will marry Courtney Ford Saturday at the Santa Barbara ranch of producer Jon Peters, and Governor Schwarzenegger closed the airspace over the ranch. That's how tough it is to travel on the holidays. Even Superman's grounded.

Macy's held its annual Thanksgiving Day Parade down Broadway in New York on Thursday. They had extra guide ropes on all the balloons to make sure they didn't crash into any of the buildings. Nobody wanted to see Underdog wind up at Guantanamo.

Oil prices hit ninety-eight dollars a barrel Monday in New York trading. This is past crazy. Gasoline is so expensive that Bloomingdale's is going to put it in bottles this Christmas and sell it as a fragrance called Elizabeth Taylor's Hard Miles.

The U.S. will attempt Mideast peace talks in Maryland Tuesday. Lebanon is being run by Hezbollah, Hamas controls the Gaza Strip, the U.S. has thrown its weight behind Saddam's old party in Iraq, and Iran is acquiring nuclear weapons. The way the war on terror is progressing, Americans are starting to wonder if President Bush is a double agent.

The Transportation Security Administration told U.S. airline passengers they must pack neatly. Officials say bags that have too much clutter in them will be pulled aside for more screening. This is the point where even the Germans say enough already.

Fran Townsend resigned Monday as President Bush's terrorism advisor. She said terrorists will attack during the next elections. You don't get a gold watch when you leave this administration because the ticking causes fighter jets to be scrambled.

Utah polygamist Warren Jeffs got life in jail Tuesday for being an accomplice to rape, after he forced a teenage girl to marry her cousin. The outside world expressed outrage. Saudi Arabia just offered to buy him a presidential pardon and appoint him Justice Minister.

Hillary Clinton mocked Barack Obama for saying his childhood in a foreign country gave him valuable foreign policy experience. She said voters don't consider that experience. It's not like he decorated the White House Christmas tree eight times.

Barack Obama told a high school class in New Hampshire Tuesday that when he was their age he experimented with illegal drugs and wasted a lot of time. He's forty-five years old, he's a United States senator and he's leading in Iowa for president. Who's he kidding, if he hadn't done cocaine it would have taken him ten years longer.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-22-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thanksgiving, and how's everybody?

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick surrendered to federal marshals ahead of schedule Monday to begin serving his jail term for dogfighting charges. He decided to check into prison three weeks early. That's how much some people hate the holidays.

Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade will proceed down Broadway in New York City today. This year the city is taking special precautions to make sure the hot air balloons don't kill anybody. They are banning presidential candidates from the streets.

Thanksgiving Day prompted record travel volume by Americans this week by plane and automobile. Oil prices hurt. Filling up the gas tank was such excruciating torture that Rudy Giuliani has just labeled it a necessary tool in the War on Terror.

The U.S. Appeals Court agreed Monday to decide a case brought by the blind, who want U.S. currency resized. However, there is opposition. If Ben Franklin's head gets any bigger, the Baseball Hall of Fame won't accept anything larger than a twenty.

The House Subcommittee on Coast Guard and Maritime Transportation came to San Francisco Monday to hold hearings on the oil spill. They convened and dined at the Golden Gate Club at the Presidio. Never have the Oysters Rockefeller been so authentic.

Jay Leno and David Letterman forfeited their network salaries last week to honor the Writers Guild strike. No wonder Hillary is slipping in the polls. With the late-night shows in reruns everyone thinks her husband's seeing Monica Lewinsky again.

Saudi Arabia prompted outrage Monday after a female rape victim was ordered to be whipped for being alone with a man. It's disturbing. Hardly a day goes by that another name isn't added to the list of countries we should have invaded instead of Iraq.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez threatened the U.S. with two-hundred-dollar-a-barrel oil Sunday if the U.S. attacks Iran. It didn't have the intended effect. Dick Cheney made a tape of the speech because every time he watches it, it saves him ten dollars a pill.

CBS News writers declared Monday they have voted to go on strike after working without a contract for a year. It's a huge break for the CBS Evening News. This is their chance to turn it into a talk show for women and really get their ratings up.

Homeland Security's Fran Townsend compared President Bush to George Washington in her resignation note Monday. She can't take a private job right away. She will first have to spend twenty-eight days at the Betty Ford Center for Kool-Aid addiction.

Karl Rove advised all Republican candidates Monday to distance themselves from President Bush next year. You have to take his word on this. When Dr. Frankenstein tells you not to make eye contact with his creation, to argue with him could be fatal.

Barack Obama overtook Hillary Clinton by four points in Iowa polls Monday. Her poll numbers only go up when she's perceived as a wronged woman. Bill Clinton was last seen leafing through his little black book reciting Dr. King's Free at Last speech.

Homeland Security adviser Fran Townsend resigned Monday but warned that terrorists are planning to disrupt U.S. elections. She doesn't realize we're on the right track to win this war. The best way to destroy terrorists is to pay them a hundred dollars a barrel for oil and in five years if the champagne doesn't kill them, the cocaine will.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-21-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Oscar de la Hoya was shown in photos Monday wearing fishnet stockings and high heels in a feminine pose. Reaction was swift. The Republican National Committee asked him for a current address so they'll know in which state to run him for senator.

President Bush pardoned a turkey on the White House lawn Tuesday, just two days before Thanksgiving Day. The people of Iran watched the ceremony over satellite television but they were disappointed. They had heard he was going to pardon a country.

Massachusetts will hold a ceremony Thursday celebrating the first Thanksgiving dinner held by Puritan settlers. Back in England they were nicknamed the Roundheads. Now you know why Barry Bonds has been named an honorary Thanksgiving turkey this year.

Heather Mills McCartney asked Americans Monday to cut down on eating meat, dairy and fish to help save the planet. She picked the wrong week. Thanksgiving is a time when Americans would eat her left leg if she left it on the table next to the cranberries.

San Francisco officials asked for federal aid Sunday to clean up the nasty oil spill in San Francisco Bay. Government response to the disaster was swift. Within an hour of the request, FEMA officials were on their way to New Orleans with trailers.

CBS News writers voted to go on strike Monday, affecting the network's national newscast and CBS owned-and-operated stations. The public is confused. It's hard to know what the writers want when they go on strike because the picket signs are blank.

MTV launched MTV Arabia in Dubai Monday for people in the Middle East. It will feature groups singing in Arabic. The only downside is, in this part of the world rap artists will have to show respect for women in order to rebel against the culture.

Queen Elizabeth celebrated her sixtieth wedding anniversary with Prince Philip by attending a ceremony in Parliament. It's so different there. Britney Spears and Kevin Federline celebrated their first wedding anniversary by splitting a pack of Parliaments.

Laura Bush unveiled a new coin honoring Dolley Madison Monday. She said first ladies have always guided the nation in perilous times. Unfortunately that can't be confirmed because Dolley Madison's papers are still locked up at the Clinton Library.

President Bush gave a positive speech in Virginia Monday but campaign-obsessed reporters didn't even cover it. It wouldn't help if he went missing. As soon as the White House put his picture on the side of a milk carton, the price of milk would drive down his approval ratings.

John McCain announced Monday that he will spend Thanksgiving in Baghdad with U.S. troops. They will crowd around him. Once the troops are in three McCain campaign commercials they qualify for Screen Actor's Guild insurance and free botox injections.

Robert Novak wrote Saturday Hillary Clinton's campaign aides are whispering that they have damaging dirt on Barack Obama but won't use it. It wouldn't help Hillary. Barack Obama has Secret Service protection, so whatever he has done, his wife can't kill him.

Ron Paul spoke in Reno Tuesday and called for abolishing the IRS and legalizing drugs and restoring the gold standard and living free. The crowd's reception was very cool. If the whole country were like that, there would be no need for Nevada.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-20-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Barry Bonds was indicted on federal perjury charges Thursday, ending his baseball career. Nobody misses him in San Francisco. They've been scooping the oil out of the bay and making just as much money as they used to make selling the home run balls.

Fox News showed a New Hampshire turkey farmer Sunday who fattens up his holiday turkeys by feeding them Coors. It's a start. Now if he could get all the turkeys in New Hampshire drunk, it just might make the next presidential debate worth watching.

Rickey Williams was allowed to rejoin the Miami Dolphins Friday after four suspensions for pot. The city has a casual approach to law enforcement. The Miami Dolphins team drug policy is the same as Miami's immigration policy: nobody gets a fifth chance.

French transportation workers went on strike Friday, shutting down all buses and subway service. That thirty-five-hour work week leaves them exhausted. There aren't enough hours in the day for the people of France to balance work, family and adultery.

Detroit moved past St. Louis Sunday on the FBI list of most dangerous cities in the United States. The fan excitement is building. With St. Louis out of the way, Detroit will play the winner of Baghdad versus Mogadishu for the Capone Cup next June.

MTV launched a new channel in Dubai Monday called MTV Arabia, for people in the Middle East. All the songs will be performed by Arab rock groups and Arab rap artists. If all goes well, in six months Israel will be the ally and the enemy will be downloading.

Venezuela's Hugo Chavez addressed the OPEC meeting in Saudi Arabia Sunday. He threatened the U.S. with two-hundred-dollar-a-barrel oil if the U.S. attacks Venezuela or Iran. What Hugo Chavez doesn't understand is that two-hundred-dollar oil and a new war is not a threat to the Bush Administration, it's the goal of the Bush Administration.

Japanese Prime Minister Yasuo Fukuda arrived at the White House on Friday. The TV networks refused to cover the welcome ceremony. As soon as President Bush tried to pronounce the prime minister's name they would all get fined millions for obscenity.

President Bush took action to lighten air traffic congestion Thursday. He decided to leave the East Coast air corridor unpatrolled during Thanksgiving week. If there isn't a terrorist attack soon his approval rating is going to fall into single digits.

President Bush will meet with this year's Nobel Prize winners next week, including Al Gore. There's no resentment of Al's success at the White House. There's going to be a sign on the South Lawn that reads, If You'd Had Better Lawyers You'd Be Home Now.

John McCain declared on Sunday that if he wins the nomination, he will reject Secret Service protection. He's extremely cocky. After the North Vietnamese and his stand in favor of illegal immigration failed to kill him, he concluded that he's bulletproof.

Hillary Clinton was endorsed by a sheet metal workers' union convention in Las Vegas Sunday. She worked the crowd hard. She's in competition with the blackjack tables to get twenty-three hundred dollars out of each of them before they leave town.

Rudy Giuliani took the stadium microphone at the NASCAR Ford 400 race Sunday in rural Florida and said America must break its dependence on foreign oil. It drew huge cheers from the race fans. Everyone in the crowd operates a corn still, and since the ethanol subsidies were passed they are getting ten times the price per jug.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-19-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Bridge Federation may suspend the world champion U.S. bridge team for holding up a sign at the awards banquet saying they didn't vote for President Bush. They weren't joking. The better you get at bridge, the less tolerance you have for beginners.

The Broadway stagehands' strike shut down every show on Broadway last week amid charges of union featherbedding. It might be true. The strikers' cause suffered a setback when cameras showed seven stagehands holding up each and every one of the picket signs.

The Justice Department will grant early release to crack cocaine prisoners on Monday and Tuesday. The release will be carried live on ESPN. The NFL supplemental player draft will be held on Monday, and the NBA supplemental player draft will be held on Tuesday, and NBC will draft writers for Saturday Night Live from whatever's left.

Jack Nicholson revealed Tuesday he turned down a chance to buy the New York Yankees. It was an opportunity missed. Anybody who saw One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest knows that the transition from Jack Nicholson to George Steinbrenner would be virtually seamless.

Warren Buffett called for higher taxes on the wealthy and higher estate taxes during Senate testimony Wednesday. Lawmakers were enraptured. To Democrats, the only thing better than a rich guy asking to be taxed is a female accuser volunteering to be run over by a truck.

President Bush handed out the National Medals for Arts and Humanities Thursday to writers, artists, musicians and thinkers. They had to be nervous going into the White House. Executing the intellectuals is always the next step after waterboarding.

Adolf Hitler's office globe, which he kept at his Eagle's Nest retreat, was sold to the highest bidder Tuesday for one hundred thousand dollars at an auction house in San Francisco. The globe's not in very good condition. All the borders are rubbed out.

Santa Clauses in Australia were told by their department store trainers Tuesday not to say Ho Ho Ho because it's too much like U.S. street slang for prostitutes. They will say it anyway. When Don Imus got a twenty million dollar settlement after getting fired for saying Ho once, the Santas figure three times should be worth sixty million.

O.J. Simpson was ordered to stand trial in Las Vegas Tuesday. The case has fame, race, gunplay, payback, star power, and a glittering Las Vegas setting. It has every element the country needs for quality entertainment with the writers on strike.

Hillary Clinton reversed herself Thursday and opposed giving driver's licenses to illegal aliens. She has two positions on Iraq, two on Social Security, and two on immigration. The only thing with more positions than Hillary Clinton is the Kama Sutra.

Iowa tightened in the polls Tuesday in the Democratic presidential race. They scheduled the caucuses on the night of January 3rd, which was insane. It means the next president of the United States will be the candidate who can persuade twenty-five voters to leave the house during the college football championship game.

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf said Wednesday he'll quit as army chief and just be president. There's no way he'll lift the state of emergency. He just placed all his opponents under house arrest and it feels like he has the road all to himself.

Paris Hilton denied reports Wednesday she's adopting the cause of binge-drinking elephants in India. Last month, four elephants got drunk on rice beer, uprooted a power pole, and knocked out the electricity to an entire village. They're the first Republicans on earth to do something about global warming.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-18-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma threw a one-hundredth birthday gala Friday with Reba McIntyre, Carrie Underwood, Toby Keith and Garth Brooks. Anticipation was electric. People spent all day watching the price of oil to see if Oklahoma would shoot its age on its birthday.

Barry Bonds was indicted by a federal grand jury Thursday in the steroid investigation. He could get thirty years in prison. It wasn't enough to break Hank Aaron's record for home runs, now he's going after Scooter Libby's record for lying and obstruction of justice.

Jack Nicholson said Tuesday he was once offered the chance to buy the New York Yankees. We're lucky that didn't happen. Imagine a world where Darryl Strawberry has to tell reporters he's doing all he can to get the team owner the help he needs.

The NFL widened its players awareness program Monday by adding lectures to all teams about how to avoid trouble in strip clubs. The players like to go there on Sunday nights. It gives wide receivers who had a lousy game one more chance to catch something.

O.J. Simpson sat calmly in court Tuesday at his preliminary hearing in Las Vegas. Why shouldn't he look calm? Whenever National Geographic airs a special on natural habitats, they show the lion in the jungle, the frog in the rainforest, and O.J. Simpson at the defense table.

Google co-founder Larry Page announced Tuesday that he will marry his girlfriend, Lucy Southworth, next month. He's worth twenty billion dollars. To safeguard his fortune, he had to get married quickly before Heather Mills McCartney was single again.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger intervened to try to help settle the Writers Strike in Hollywood Tuesday. He's frantic to get this thing settled. The Los Angeles Times keeps referring to him as a former Hollywood A-lister, and he wants these references out of the newspaper before somebody in show business reads the front page.

President Bush vetoed a health and education funding bill Tuesday. The bill had no chance. The only way American cities are going to get any federal money for health and education is if they change their name to Baghdad and take the hit on property values.

The State Department gave foreign service officers a bit more time to volunteer for duty in Baghdad Tuesday before people start getting fired. These people already realize what it's like to get shelled. They have season tickets to the Redskins games.

Pakistan's opposition leader Benazir Bhutto called for Pervez Musharraf to step down Tuesday. It ended the White House dream that they could work together. Dancing With the Stars has had great success pairing up odd couples and teaching them to samba.

Democratic presidential candidates took turns Tuesday blasting the government's plan to store nuclear waste in Yucca Mountain near Las Vegas. There's a reason why the White House wants a radioactive mountain in Nevada. President Bush is trying to lure Iranian leaders to Las Vegas so we can wipe them out at the blackjack table.

Bill Clinton caused a storm Monday by telling an audience in Iowa that Hillary can handle herself against the boys. Her campaign assured reporters that the term boys is simply an old Southern slang term. It is, but not for white presidential candidates.

Russian President Vladimir Putin said Tuesday if his party wins big in the next election, it will give him the moral right to stay in power. He's muzzled the media and taken over the oil industry and runs a security state. Vladimir Putin is a lot like Dick Cheney, except he was taught to shoot by the KGB, so if he hits a lawyer it wasn't by accident.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-16-07

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Oklahoma celebrates its one hundredth anniversary today. It became a territory a hundred and seventy years ago when Andrew Jackson defeated the Five Tribes and moved them there from Georgia. This is the only war America ever fought where the loser got the oil land.

The Writers Guild continued picketing Hollywood movie studios for a new contract this week. The studios' first concern is to maintain good relations with the most creative minds in Hollywood. They'd never do anything to offend the accountants.

Mitt Romney increased his lead in the latest Gallup Poll for the Republican nomination for president. He campaigned in New Hampshire last week by going door to door. Being a Mormon was not challenging enough, now he's a Jehovah's Witness.

Condoleezza Rice went on the Sunday talk shows with no news of any Middle East peace progress. Her job is to improve America's ranking in the world. Germany remains number-one in the poll despite the last two losses, due to their strength of schedule.

Mitt Romney kidded a New Hampshire couple Monday about the huge leaves on their tree, saying those leaves would have made Adam and Eve look less promiscuous. Now that's conservative. Adam and Eve were the only people on Earth at the time and Mitt Romney thinks they were promiscuous.

Saudi Prince Alwaleed bin Talal bought his own jumbo airliner on Sunday. When Muslims are off the ground they are free to violate their religion's strict ban on the use of alcohol. Protestants get the same waiver the moment they land in Las Vegas.

Washington D.C. hosted a UFO convention Monday made up of people who have either seen alien spaceships or believe they exist. It's no longer cute. We used to laugh at these people who saw things that didn't exist until they got us into a war in Iraq.

Hillary Clinton led the field of Democratic presidential candidates who met for a debate last night in front of an audience in Las Vegas. Everybody ought to come to Las Vegas just once in their lives. It's like being Bill Clinton for a day.

U.S. Judge Henry Kennedy ordered the White House Monday to preserve copies of all its e-mails. Two groups are suing over the disappearance of five million e-mails. If anyone won the Nigerian lottery, the American people have a right to know about it.

The Russian Navy rushed to rescue capsized oil tankers in the Black Sea this week after they were wrecked by twenty-foot waves. Officials said one thousand tons of oil spilled into the Black Sea. Until the invention of the automobile it was known as the Blue Sea.

Nancy Pelosi flew to San Francisco Monday where she slammed the U.S. Coast Guard over the sixty-thousand-gallon oil spill. She's angry they didn't notify the city when the spill occurred. Ever since the Coast Guard was folded into the Homeland Security Department they've been instructed that anything involving oil is Top Secret.

Pope Benedict announced he will fly to the United States from Rome in April to meet with President Bush at the White House. The pope wants to lobby the American leader for peace. He just figured out that in alphabetical order, Italy is after Iran.

The New England Patriots dismissed Don Shula's suggestion that their won-lost record this year should have an asterisk next to it for cheating. All they did was illegally videotape the opposing New York Jets for the first five plays of their first game. It's not really cheating in New York until Rudy Giuliani's wife changes the locks.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-15-07

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Bush phoned Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf Sunday to discuss the democracy crackdown. They had a good talk. Pervez Musharraf persuaded President Bush to ease up on the crackdown and allow next year's election to go forward as scheduled.

The Writers Guild strike began its second week in Hollywood Monday. The demands are really silly. The writers say they want a share of all the money that's made on the Internet when it's pretty obvious that those porno movies don't have scripts.

Orange County cops arrested a man Monday believed to be the Hot Tub Rapist. He holds women's heads underwater in a hot tub while he sexually assaults them. Nobody thought about where these CIA freelancers would go after they left government service.

President Bush declared in a speech Sunday that America's enemies are planning another more deadly strike. The voters are split on the issue. Half the country wants to die from a terror attack and the other half wants to drown in a rising ocean.

The London Sunday Times reported that Michael Jordan is set to pay his wife one hundred and sixty-eight million dollars for his divorce. The NBA commissioner took notice. Starting this January, the league's ban on gambling will include marriage.

The White House praised Pakistan as an ally in the War on Terror Monday even though al-Qaeda is hiding there. The idea that we can't find Osama bin Laden is ridiculous. Jessica Alba can't sunbathe nude in her backyard because Google Earth knows where she lives and the NSA can't see the catering truck pull up to Osama's cave every day at lunch time?

Pakistan's Benazir Bhutto was put under house arrest Monday. She was surrounded by hundreds of burly men wielding submachine guns. The first thing she did was pick up the phone and tell the Des Moines Register that the boys are ganging up on her.

CNN's Wolf Blitzer will moderate tonight's Democratic presidential debate held in Las Vegas. He was the only choice to referee as seven guys prepare to take on Hillary. After covering two wars in the last sixteen years pitting international coalitions against Iraq, Wolf Blitzer is journalism's leading expert on unfair fights.

Georgia Governor Sonny Perdue asked lawmakers and ministers to join him at the state Capitol Tuesday to pray for rain. They weren't his first choice. He called them only after the Cherokees refused to come back home from eastern Oklahoma for one dance.

The Justice Department prepared to release crack cocaine prisoners Monday. The release will be in gradual stages. California convicts must be retrained to snort the powder instead of smoking it to conform to the state's Smokey the Bear regulations.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi flew to San Francisco Monday to see the oil spill damage. She got a chilly reception from the locals. The seals stopped clapping the moment they saw her and demanded to know why impeachment's off the table.

Pope Benedict revealed Monday he will make a brief trip to the U.S. in April. He is going to celebrate Mass at Yankee Stadium. This is what George Steinbrenner has to do to fill up the stadium with Joe Torre and Alex Rodriguez headed for Los Angeles.

Grover Norquist called for a constitutional amendment banning family members from succeeding each other as president. Hillary is unaffected because there's a Bush between her and Bill and Jeb isn't affected because there'll be a Clinton between W. and him. As long as the ruling families continue to alternate, the amendment would never come into play.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-14-07

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Broadway Stagehands Union went on strike Saturday, closing down all the shows in New York. They vowed they will stay out on strike until theater owners start behaving honorably. Let's hope their wives work and their kids go to a public college.

Heather Mills McCartney was dropped by her lawyer and publicist in her divorce case with Paul McCartney Friday. Her only hope is a change of venue to Los Angeles. Under California law if you don't have a publicist, the court will provide one for you.

John Daly has a new book out called Golf My Own Damned Way, in which the golfer cheerfully details his drinking and smoking and gambling and overeating. To get totally sober he'd have to give up four addictions. It's easier to withdraw from Iraq.

President Bush asked German Chancellor Angela Merkel Sunday to convince five thousand German businesses to leave Iran. It wasn't hard enough to spread democracy to the Middle East. Now he wants to try to get Germans to leave a country voluntarily.

White House official Donald Kerr said Americans have to change their definition of privacy. He said privacy can no longer mean anonymity. Not many people know that James Madison said the Constitution is null and void in the event that two buildings go down.

Pervez Musharraf wouldn't say Sunday how long he'll keep Pakistan in a state of emergency. He can't say because he's fighting terrorism. Osama bin Laden just vowed to blow up the Pakistan Hilton if room service ever takes three rings to answer again.

GOP presidential candidate Fred Thompson caused an uproar Friday by suggesting that Social Security benefits be cut to reduce spending. The actor is in a lot of trouble. He never would have said anything so stupid if the writers weren't on strike.

Iowa Democrats reviewed the presidential candidates at a banquet Saturday. The candidates took turns raking Hillary over the coals. Normally when six men jump a New York woman it's another embarrassing end to the city's annual Puerto Rican Day parade.

Barack Obama took a swipe at Hillary Clinton Saturday saying the country needs conviction not calculation, while John Edwards implied that's she's evasive and dissembling. The Republicans are warming up in the bullpen. The day Hillary Clinton retires from public life she has a lifetime job waiting for her as a greeter at Target.

Mitt Romney told voters Sunday his advisors don't think he should give a speech explaining his Mormon faith. All hell could break loose. Mormons are taught that God arrived on Earth from another planet in alien form and the last thing Mitt Romney needs is controversy over whether God should be allowed a driver's license in America.

President Bush's father George H.W. Bush opened his newly renovated library last week. He sells autographed pictures of himself for two hundred dollars in the gift shop. They tricked him into signing the photos by telling him they were tax increases.

NASA towed the Shuttle Atlantis onto its launch pad at Cape Canaveral Saturday, a month ahead of the next launch. Lots of rehearsal time is critical. If astronauts press the wrong button on the control panel, the entire countdown switches to Spanish.

China admitted Sunday that Aqua Dots toy beads are coated with chemicals which turn into a date-rape drug if swallowed. They weren't recalled for being unsafe. The Distilled Spirits Council filed a trade grievance accusing China of selling below cost.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-13-07

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Betty Ford Center held its twenty-fifth anniversary dinner on Saturday and saluted Betty Ford. They're doing land-office business. The center just built two new dorms this year for people who are addicted to foreign oil and cheap immigrant labor.

Michael Jackson was reported Friday to be close to losing his Neverland Ranch. He's deeply in debt from all the loans he took out on the house. He's one of millions of Californians who lost his last chance at solvency when firefighters finished putting out the wildfires.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger offered to mediate the Writers Guild strike in Hollywood Friday as tension mounted. People walking by who saw the strikers march down the street all had the same question. Who wrote the picket signs?

Broadway's stagehands' union went on strike Saturday, closing all shows. It added to public misery with TV shows being in reruns due to the writers' strike. By the time all these show business strikes end, half the country will be addicted to online poker.

Disneyland announced last week they will retrofit the boats on the It's a Small World ride to hold today's heavier passengers. They do a great job of keeping the park up to date and current. Tomorrowland has been turned into a scale model of Mexico City.

Mitt Romney passed religious muster at ultra-conservative Bob Jones University in South Carolina last week. It's a different world there. At Bob Jones University they teach students that sex is a shameful and filthy act and you must save it for the one you love.

Pat Robertson stunned evangelicals by backing Rudy Giuliani last Tuesday. They make a nice couple. While they remain unalterably opposed to each other on religious and moral and political beliefs, they do agree on the need to bomb Iran and torture people.

Senator Chuck Grassley of Iowa announced Thursday he will begin a probe of six televangelists. He wants to nail preachers who promise miracles to people in exchange for donations. Anyone who's found guilty could get five to ten years as a registered lobbyist.

GOP candidate Ron Paul drew cheers on Saturday at a Veterans Day weekend rally in Philadelphia. He vowed to return to constitutional government as laid out by the Founding Fathers. Barack Obama has more at stake in this election than he thought.

Hillary Clinton's campaign admitted planting a question for the candidate with an audience member in Iowa last week. It's not the end of the world. If she doesn't make it to the White House, Hillary can always host a show on the Food Network called Fudging the Facts.

President Bush declared Saturday he fully supports General Pervez Musharraf in Pakistan. He called the dictator's brutal crackdown on political opponents last week a detour off the path to democracy. We're dealing with a president who still says that trading Sammy Sosa was the biggest mistake he ever made.

Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas dedicated a new mausoleum Saturday for the remains of the late PLO leader Yasser Arafat. Some things never change. It's so dangerous in the Middle East that he still has to sleep in a different mausoleum every night.

Former President George H.W. Bush celebrated the re-opening of his presidential library at Texas A & M. It includes a replica of the Situation Room with interactive screens, so visitors can be engaged in the decisions of the first Persian Gulf War. Imagine how smart you'll feel when you decide not to invade Baghdad like he did.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-12-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger volunteered to mediate the Writers Guild strike against movie and television studios on Friday. The studios won't listen to the governor. They know perfectly well that actors only say what writers tell them to say.

Young Frankenstein opened on Broadway on Thursday. The critics say it's not as funny as The Producers. Mel Brooks has nothing that can follow a singing, dancing, gay Hitler, mainly because Osama bin Laden refuses to sell his life's story to a Jew.

Heather Mills McCartney parted company Friday with her lawyer and her publicist in her divorce war with Paul McCartney. His relationship with the one-legged model was doomed from the very start. He's an old-time rock 'n roller and she's into hip-hop.

Conan O'Brien stayed out of sight Friday as a Roman Catholic priest was charged with stalking the comedian. The priest is from the Boston Archdiocese. NBC wanted a younger host for the Tonight Show and stuff like this just goes with the territory.

Michael Jackson was reported Friday to be close to losing his Neverland Ranch in Santa Barbara to creditors. It's been one headache after another. He lost his tax break on the mansion three years ago when his neighbors figured out it wasn't a junior high.

Mitt Romney answered questions about Mormonism at Bob Jones University in South Carolina last week. It's an ultra-conservative school. He received their endorsement after he placed his hand on top of a stack of Bibles and swore that he's not Catholic.

Fred Thompson said Friday he thinks Social Security benefits for retirees should be cut. There's a method to his madness. He thinks if he gets fired from running for president he can collect unemployment but if he quits he collects nothing.

Senator Barack Obama suggested Tuesday that Baby Boomers like Bill and Hillary Clinton are stuck in the contentious Sixties. He sees himself as a man ahead of his times. He's already demanding that President Bush bring our troops home from Iran.

The Army admitted on Friday that it has spent two and one half billion dollars on a new helicopter with just one flaw. It's not safe to fly in hot weather. Now the Pentagon is trying to install air conditioning in all the countries we plan to invade.

President Bush urged Pakistan's General Musharraf to release jailed opposition leaders and hold elections. The White House worries that the crackdown in Pakistan is harming the War on Terror. Once again we just can't figure out which side we're on.

Pakistan's dictator General Pervez Musharraf surrounded opposition leader Benazir Bhutto's home with barbed wire on Friday and placed her under house arrest. She's got a lot of sympathy in America. Nobody can sell anything in this real estate market.

German Chancellor Angela Merkel visited President Bush at his ranch Friday. He put on blue jeans and picked her up in his truck. The only reason we elected him was because we wanted a president who would put his pants on before he picks up women.

San Francisco Bay was swamped by a sixty thousand gallon oil spill on Thursday when a tanker ran aground in fog. Each barrel was worth a hundred dollars. People were jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge just so they could finally say they struck oil.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-11-07

RANCHO MIRAGE--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The International Tennis Federation said Tommy Haas may have been sick for the last six weeks because he was poisoned before a match in Moscow. It's sad. Tommy Haas was this close to winning the Nobel Prize as the first tennis player to go green.

San Francisco Bay was inundated by a sixty thousand gallon oil spill Wednesday when a tanker ran aground. Each barrel of oil was worth a hundred dollars. By the end of the day, the third richest oil family in California was the Otters of Oakland.

Fox Network had to suspend production of its counterterror drama Twenty-Four last week. The show became a casualty of the writer's strike. President Bush took the megaphone out of the desk drawer and vowed he will bring the Writers Guild to justice.

Young Frankenstein opened on Broadway Thursday with songs and dialogue by Mel Brooks. The special effects are wild. As soon as Pat Robertson signed on with the Rudy Giuliani campaign, the show had the advantage of real lightning in the first act.

Rudy Giuliani's former police commissioner and pal Bernard Kerik was indicted in New York on Thursday. He kept a love nest with a view of Ground Zero. He liked to open up the champagne and remind new prospects that we could all die at any moment.

Congressman Dennis Kucinich introduced a bill in the House Tuesday calling for Dick Cheney to be investigated for deliberately using false evidence to launch the war in Iraq. Don't expect this bill to go very far. Kobe Bryant is more likely to pass.

Pakistani dictator Pervez Musharraf said Thursday that he's decided to go ahead and have upcoming elections. President Bush was tremendously relieved. He was so worried about Pakistan that for two days he delegated the bombing of Iran to Israel.

President Bush raised money in Texas Thursday for Senator John Cornyn's re-election bid. Cornyn's having a tough time because so many Texans think he's too close to President Bush. The president's own dad has started asking friends to call him Herbert.

The Senate overrode President Bush's veto for the first time in his presidency Thursday. The aftermath was tense. Seventy-nine senators waited nervously to see if their phone sex conversations would be that evening's background music on Fox News.

Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Thursday and campaigned in Onawa and Glenwood, where people lined up for two hours to see him. It was awesome. He's such a rock star that people were asking him why he's going to pay so much alimony to Heather Mills McCartney.

Hillary Clinton's campaign denied Thursday that she and her staffers failed to tip a waitress at a restaurant in Iowa last month. Actually she gave her an excellent tip. She told her never to answer a question about driver's licenses for illegal aliens.

Paulson poker chips, made in Las Vegas, were found Thursday to contain high levels of lead. Not to worry. The reason casinos are so big and lavish is that gamblers cannot hang onto their chips long enough for any statistically measurable health risk.

National Football League owners agreed to make more cash available to disabled retired players. The players' pension plan is already generous. As it is, you can retire after ten years, murder your wife and still get ten thousand dollars per month.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-9-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The New York Giants host the Dallas Cowboys Sunday in a battle of the National Football Conference's two finest teams. Gamblers in Las Vegas are very nervous. With the writers on strike they don't have any idea how the game is going to turn out.

John Daly just wrote a new book called Golf My Own Damned Way. He drinks and smokes and gambles and loses a wife a year. If John Daly had just spent a little more money on his video he would have won best new artist at the Country Music Awards.

Wall Street suffered a three hundred and seventy point tumble in the Dow Jones industrial average Wednesday. It was a bloodbath. When the chairman of Merrill Lynch left the office early saying it was bridge night, no one knew if he meant cards or jumping.

Aqua Dots were recalled from toy stores across America Wednesday. If swallowed, a chemical in the dots turns into a date-rape drug. Hopefully it will get parents to tell their children to stop playing and get back onto the Internet where it's safe.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy addressed a joint session of Congress at the Capitol Wednesday. He's a bachelor with nuclear weapons and the finest pastry chefs on the planet earth. And you thought Paul McCartney could have any woman in the world.

Pakistan's General Pervez Musharraf jailed opposition judges, suspended the constitution and canceled elections Monday. World pressure mounted on him to step down. President Bush called and asked if he ever thought about being Attorney General.

President Bush called Pervez Musharraf Wednesday in an attempt to cool him off a bit. He urged the general to take off his uniform. The general not only refused to take off his uniform, he charged President Bush three dollars a minute for the call.

Congress debated a bill on Wednesday to ban discrimination against homosexuals in the workplace. The bill's backers were fighting the clock. They had to get the debate in while Pat Robertson and Rudy Giuliani were away on a quiet weekend together.

Pat Robertson shocked his evangelical followers on Wednesday by endorsing Rudy Giuliani. Rudy shocked his followers by accepting the endorsement. The last time there was this much shock in one place, thirty-one states switched to lethal injection.

The Senate opened a formal probe into televangelists Tuesday. The senators say televangelists are living in opulent luxury by preying on the poor and the sick. If they want to do that they're going to have to run for office just like everybody else.

Kathleen Willey just wrote a book about her experience in the Oval Office with President Clinton. It affects her to this day. Every time she watches Addams Family re-runs and that hand comes out of the box, she runs screaming from the room.

Retired federal judge Michael Mukasey was narrowly approved by the Senate Judiciary Committee for Attorney General Tuesday. The judge is one tough customer. It took three long weeks but he finally agreed that confirmation hearings are torture.

AT&T technician Mark Klein turned whistleblower Wednesday and told NBC News his company was eavesdropping on domestic calls and e-mails for the White House. This explains why the Democrats won't impeach Dick Cheney. If it's a contest between the party of sexual freedom and the party that's eavesdropping, the ears have it.



Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-8-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

General Pervez Musharraf jailed all opponents in Pakistan Tuesday. He has WMDs and harbors al-Qaeda and has U.S. backing. Someday when the full story of the war is written we will find out that we hanged Saddam Hussein for outstanding parking tickets.

President Pervez Musharraf ordered a news blackout in Pakistan Tuesday. The day before, he suspended elections and jailed judges. It's the most dictatorial move by a world leader since President Bush canceled the agreement between nouns and verbs.

The Writers Guild strike put late-night comics into reruns Monday. This should help President Bush. Instead of raking him over the coals over waterboarding they'll be raking Bill Clinton over the coals for ruining the carpet in the Oval Office study.

GOP candidate Ron Paul took in four million dollars in donations Tuesday. The longtime Texas congressman and gynecologist vows to pull out of Iraq immediately and abolish the IRS. He is a lot like Reagan except those aren't his feet in the stirrups.

Congress heard tearful testimony Monday from an eighteen-year-old Eskimo girl from Alaska. She said global warming is ruining her village. The next day she was attacked on radio by Rush Limbaugh, who said she didn't deserve her medals in Vietnam.

Pope Benedict held a historic first meeting with King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia at the Vatican Tuesday. Why they met is murky. Perhaps the king wanted to confess, and he wanted to talk with someone who hasn't waterboarded since the fifteenth century.

President Bush surpassed Richard Nixon in the Gallup Poll Tuesday as the most strongly disapproved president of all time. The Nixon Library said it didn't mind that the record was broken. They even played a video of Hank Aaron saying it was okay.

Dennis Kucinich moved to impeach Dick Cheney Tuesday for lying the nation into war. Republicans surprisingly voted to let debate on the bill go forward, thinking that impeachment would be unpopular with voters. Dick Cheney could accidentally be brought down by friendly fire, proving once again that what goes around comes around.

Laura Bush brought reporters along Tuesday for a visit to Lincoln's Cottage at the Soldier's Home, located near the White House. She praised the caretakers for preserving the historical property. She plans to restore the cottage and then flip it.

Hillary Clinton said Tuesday she supports governors who are dealing with the problem of driver's licenses for illegal aliens but not necessarily what they do about it. No wonder the illegal alien vote is for her. Hillary's the patron saint of trimming and hedging.

Kentucky Governor Ernie Fletcher lost his re-election bid despite a last-ditch effort to win over conservatives. He displayed the Ten Commandments in the Capitol the day before the election. That's a stupid thing to do if you really believe in God.

The White House had a formal dinner for French President Nicolas Sarkozy and one hundred and thirty guests Tuesday. Dessert was something called Lafayette's Legacy. Up until now, Lafayette's Legacy was a U.S. military base in Germany, so that we don't get a repetitive-motion injury rescuing France every twenty-five years.

New York's Mercantile Exchange reported Tuesday that oil prices hit a new high of ninety-seven dollars a barrel. It's really affecting people. A surfer lost an arm and a leg near Malibu beach Tuesday, and that was just filling up at the Arco station.


Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-7-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

The Screen Writers Guild walked out on strike Monday, shutting down television production. The late-night comedians are off the air. Things couldn't have worked out any more nicely for President Bush if he'd been the general in charge of Pakistan.

The Indianapolis Colts may have piped in fake crowd noise through the RCA Dome speakers in Sunday's game against New England. Tom Brady said he didn't notice. To get Tom Brady's attention they'd have to play a tape of a supermodel vomiting in the bathroom.

The Los Angeles Dodgers introduced Joe Torre to reporters as the team's manager at Dodger Stadium on Monday. A tremendous crowd turned up to witness the press conference. There are fifty thousand wildfire evacuees living on the loge level alone.

Abe Lincoln's new biography says Lincoln once visited a five-dollar hooker in Springfield. However, all he had was two dollars. He never carried a five-dollar bill because whenever people saw his picture on it they thought it was joke currency.

USA Today quoted evangelicals Monday who said Hillary Clinton's Methodism isn't Christian enough. The contempt is mutual. Whenever a Methodist sees evangelicals praying with their arms in the air they think Jesus must have just scored a touchdown.

American Gangster was a box-office hit Sunday. It's the true story of a Harlem drug dealer. No one wants to say Americans want to learn how to get rich selling drugs now that real estate has crashed, but the movie was produced by the Learning Annex.

Fred Thompson's campaign chairman stepped down Monday when old pot and cocaine and bookmaking charges surfaced. You know the story. It starts out with one drink and the next thing you know, you're telling Fred Thompson he'd make a great president.

Pakistan's dictator Pervez Musharraf declared martial law in Pakistan Sunday. He has suspended the nation's constitution and canceled the next election. It's nice to see that Karl Rove and Alberto Gonzales were able to find consulting work somewhere.

Condi Rice denounced General Pervez Musharraf for his crackdown in Pakistan on Monday. The same day, President Bush defended Musharraf as a strong fighter against radicals. This was enough to convince the tabloids they're no longer seeing each other.

President Bush met on Monday with Turkey's prime minister to discuss the tense situation on Turkey's border with Iraq. It's obvious what's going on. President Bush is operating an intern program for people who want to invade Iraq for college credit.

President Bush vowed Sunday that his cabinet nominees will never testify about waterboarding. He knows it doesn't work. After six years of torturing English, the language still won't tell President Bush anything but its name, rank and serial number.

Rudy Giuliani on Monday defended the record of his police commissioner Bernard Kerik, who kept love nests for mistresses near Ground Zero. Every American has been called on to sacrifice. We are a nation at war with monogamy.

New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg's political advisor said Monday the mayor would spend a billion dollars of his own money on an independent White House run. His entry wouldn't change the outcome. As a billionaire conservative he'd take votes from Republicans and as an admitted sexual harasser he would take donors from the Clintons.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-6-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Egypt unveiled King Tut's body for the first time on Sunday at his tomb on the Nile. The boy pharaoh still commands awe and respect after three thousand years. The State Department just asked if he could be propped up and placed in charge of Iraq.

Dog the Bounty Hunter lost his television show Wednesday after he was secretly tape-recorded using racist language. His son taped him and sold it to the National Enquirer. It's heartwarming to see a kid turn somebody in for money just like his dad.

Navy defeated Notre Dame Saturday for the first time in forty-three years. The players all watched the scoreboard nervously. If the price of oil hit one hundred dollars per barrel, everybody on the Navy team had to leave for the Straits of Hormuz.

California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger startled listeners last week when he ad-libbed that marijuana is not a drug, it's a leaf. It caused widespread dismay. The writers weren't even on strike yet and already the actors didn't know what to say.

Pakistani leader General Pervez Musharraf declared a state of emergency Sunday and suspended the constitution, and he plans to rule by personal decree. You could see it coming. The democracy experiment is going so well in Iraq that Stalin is hot again.

Fred Thompson learned Sunday his campaign co-chairman Philip Martin sold pot and cocaine many years ago. The candidate has been using the businessman's private jet instead of flying commercial. Now the vexing question for Fred Thompson is, what's for lunch?

NASA celebrated Sunday when an astronaut heroically risked his life on a space walk to repair the space station solar panels. Now he's got real problems. Already two female astronauts are driving from Texas to Florida in diapers to congratulate him.

The Weather Channel showed Boston residents cleaning up Sunday after Hurricane Noel skirted by the city. The clean-up was over in a jiffy. Hours after the storm passed, President Bush was standing on a street corner in New Orleans offering to help.

Hillary Clinton denied Sunday she is secretive about her past work on health care reform. She said people don't understand how the National Archives handles their documents. The public can see everything once they get Sandy Berger's pants off.

Dick Cheney told a crowd Saturday that Peru deserves better leadership than Hugo Chavez, but Hugo Chavez is the president of Venezuela, not Peru. He's so confused. Republicans go after oil countries, it's the Democrats who go after cocaine countries.

The Price is Right host Drew Carey made an Internet video last week calling for the legalization of medical marijuana. He's doing it for the ratings. Glaucoma keeps the viewers from seeing if the arrow on the wheel is pointing to sixty cents or a dollar.

Oklahoma's new law cracking down on illegal aliens survived court challenges and went into effect last week. It's hugely popular. Mexicans will never be fully accepted in the South until they learn how to use their hands when they play football.

The Pentagon conceded Tuesday the main reason Baghdad is less violent recently is because neighborhoods throughout the city have forcefully segregated themselves by ethnic group. You know things are insane when the Mississippi National Guard is patrolling the streets enforcing segregation. It is like they died and went to heaven.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-5-07

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Air Force hero Paul Tibbits died Thursday, sixty-two years after he dropped the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima. It was a real setback for the Bush administration. An experienced hand like this will really be missed when the Iran policy gets rolling.

State Department foreign service officers erupted in revolt Wednesday when they heard they may be ordered to serve in Iraq or lose their jobs. These diplomats do not belong there. If we want to win the war in Iraq we should send the Postal Workers.

Malibu brushfires finally subsided Thursday after burning up the hills for ten days. Actors, record company owners and agents returned to their homes as soon as the road opened. Scam artists are always the first to show up after a natural disaster.

American Gangster opened Friday, telling the true story of a Harlem drug lord in the Seventies. He was arrested with forty million dollars cash in his apartment. Inflation was so bad back then that it was only enough money to buy a six-pack of Coors and a pizza.

The Screen Writers Guild walked out on labor talks with producers in Hollywood Wednesday. The screenwriting business is tough. It's sometimes hard to figure out if you are on strike or whether you have been thrown out of work by reality shows.

The Los Angeles Dodgers hired Joe Torre as manager Thursday after the team got a waiver to bypass the rule requiring clubs to interview at least one minority for the job. The waiver really wasn't necessary. White males are a minority in Los Angeles.

Don Imus announced Thursday he will return to the air on ABC Radio beginning in early December. Even civil rights leaders are glad his show is back. The moment Don Imus was taken off the air, nooses started turning up everywhere to fill the void.

Rudy Giuliani again told a crowd Friday how tough he is on terrorism. It never ends. If only the World Trade Center attacks had occurred on the eleventh of July instead of September, 7-Eleven would get a free plug every time Rudy opened his mouth.

Hillary Clinton gave a pep talk to her alma mater Wellesley College Friday. The campus is reeling from the news that a Wellesley student was arrested for trying to stab her boyfriend to death. Not every Wellesley student is as forgiving as Hillary.

President Bush compared Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to Adolf Hitler on Thursday. That's silly. There's been a Broadway musical about Adolf Hitler but there could never be one about Mahmoud Ahmadinejad because there are no homosexuals in Iran.

President Bush accused Congress Thursday of threatening the nation's safety by listening to war critics. It fooled no one. He's played the fear card so many times that the corners are bent and you can see from across the table that it's in his hand.

President Bush said Thursday he may leave the post of Attorney General vacant if the Senate is going to judge nominees so strictly over the question of whether waterboarding is torture. Everybody knows what's torture. Torture is having to listen to a weekly debate over whether Gilligan should be replaced by Evita or Mussolini.

Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills McCartney remained fifty million dollars apart in their divorce talks Wednesday. When he wrote When I'm Sixty-Four, he never thought that what he would be doing at age sixty-four would be negotiating alimony with a wife who turned out to be a call girl and a nude model. Life comes at you fast.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 11-4-07

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Chicago elementary schools on Wednesday banned kids from wearing Halloween masks with President Bush's face on them. All costumes of political figures in America were banned. Grade-schoolers are just too young to understand why these people are so scary.

President Bush's close confidante Karen Hughes quit the administration for the second time Wednesday. She'd been given the task of improving America's public image across the Muslim world. The job was the political equivalent of managing the Yankees.

Joe Torre agreed Thursday to manage the Los Angeles Dodgers for a ton of money, just a week after being fired by New York. There's a lesson here. If you can smile when things go terribly wrong, Los Angeles is the capital of denial.

The Indianapolis Colts host the New England Patriots today in a battle of the NFL's two unbeaten teams. It's no mystery why. Ever since both teams replaced their offensive lines with Blackwater contractors, nobody's laid a hand on the quarterbacks.

Reggie Bush was sued by a marketing firm Wednesday to recoup the three hundred thousand dollars given to him at USC. None of the ruling bodies will do anything to USC. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has already stated that probation is off the table.

Vladimir Putin was reported Wednesday to be bribing Russian voters with vodka. He can't serve another presidential term so he will become prime minister to stay in power. He doesn't trust his wife to be the president in his place like we do here in America.

Dennis Kucinich stole the show at the Democratic presidential debate Tuesday when he revealed he saw a UFO twenty years ago in the Pacific Northwest. However, he's not an idiot. He said he does not favor giving driver's licenses to space aliens.

Hillary Clinton was ripped by Democratic candidates Tuesday for supporting the idea of giving illegal aliens driver's licenses. Do they know how easy it is to get one? If you think Mexicans are good at construction work you should see them laminate.

The Pew Research Center poll on Wednesday said Hillary Clinton would beat Rudy Giuliani in a landslide nationwide. The wording of the question may have influenced the outcome. The pollsters asked, who do you think looks better in a dress?

GOP lawmaker Richard Curtis resigned from Washington's state House over a gay sex scandal. It's the third gay sex scandal for the GOP this year. The Republican Party national chairman just telephoned Iran's president and asked him how he does it.

President Bush ripped a children's health bill Tuesday because it's paid for by cigarette taxes that hurt working people. He's right. It's working people who smoke, wealthy people with something to live for eat carrots and get their cholesterol tested.

Condi Rice offered Wednesday to give Turkey intelligence on Kurds in Iraq to help them out in any future attack. She's an accomplished concert pianist. Being President Bush's chief peace diplomat to the world gives you lots of time to practice the piano.

Comedy Central's Stephen Colbert tried to run for president in the South Carolina primary Wednesday. He filed as a Democrat because Republicans demand a thirty-five-thousand-dollar filing fee. Republicans keep comedians out of the race by charging them the same price for filing fees that comedians charge the Republicans for banquets.

Copyright 2007 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio