Argus Hamilton's column for 7-31-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama pushed tirelessly for health care reform at town hall meetings all week. He has great confidence in his people skills. He just invited Osama bin Laden and Rudy Giuliani to have a beer at the White House to settle their differences.

President Obama held a truce parley between the black professor and the Boston cop Thursday. None of the three were willing to apologize. They couldn't agree on anything until Obama finally persuaded them to issue a joint statement blaming Israel.

President Obama served Bud Light at the sit-down between the Boston cop and the professor. Wise choice of beers. The cop likes Blue Moon and the professor likes Red Stripe, but nothing would be gained by getting the Crips and the Bloods involved.

Barack Obama discussed the arrest with the cop and the professor Thursday. All three feel a little guilty. The professor berated the cop, the president said the cop acted stupidly, and the cop is leading Mitt Romney in New Hampshire by ten points.

The White House researched the ancestry of Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates Wednesday and found they both descend from the same fourth-century Irish warlord. Homeland Security is way out of control. Now you're not allowed in the White House until they have done a background check on you all the way back to the fourth century.

The Hollywood Wax Museum opened Tuesday where customers were encouraged to hug and kiss their favorite stars. The figures are incredibly true-to-life. They're made out of the same wax, plastic and silicone that real celebrities are made out of.

Hillary Clinton vowed Sunday the U.S. will apply harsh economic pressure on Iran to restrict their nuclear plans. We must be careful. If we slap a food embargo on Iran, the Iranian people won't be fat enough to be considered an enemy of health care reform.

President Obama flew to Raleigh on Wednesday to push health care reform before a crowd in North Carolina. The town hall meeting was just an excuse to go there. As an observant smoker he's required to make a pilgrimage to tobacco country once a year.

Congressman Henry Waxman and White House aide Rahm Emanuel kept Blue Dog Democrats up all night Wednesday trying to get them to back health care. Sleep deprivation usually works. However, the Blue Dogs didn't crack until they were forced to strip naked and form a human pyramid.

Congress considered a health care bill provision Tuesday which bans primetime commercials for sex pills on TV. Great idea. Kids should be allowed to enjoy the magic of childhood without wondering why adults need a pill to help them run up stairs.

Buick withdrew as a sponsor of the PGA Tour Tuesday after twenty-five years of being the official car of the PGA. The timing is terrible. Now that Tiger Woods has a wife and two kids and really needs a Buick, he's stuck driving around in a Maserati.

Joe Biden called Russia a fading power due to shrinking population Sunday. The solution is to swap Mexico for Azerbaijan. It'd give Russia lots of population and America a country on our southern border that would get the border fence fully funded.

Congress considered a two hundred percent tax hike on liquor Monday. They also want to tax sugary drinks and high-fat foods and snacks. If we could just figure out a way to tax sex we could get back some of the salary we're paying these congressmen.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosts Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and Boston cop James Crowley for a beer at the White House tonight. Let's hope they put away the breakables. Tempers are going to flare when the cop asks the president for his birth certificate.

The White House proposed a tax Monday on Botox and cheek implants and eyelifts and facelifts and collagen shots. It's not fair because people use plastic surgery to get jobs. Nancy Pelosi is Speaker of the House and she has been dead for ten years.

House Democrats were swamped by protests against a health care provision which could deny treatment to seniors while providing care for illegal aliens. That's the least of its problems. The health care bill will be signed by a president who smokes, supervised by a Surgeon General who is obese, and paid for by a country that is broke.

Pacific Ocean storms propelled twenty-foot-high waves onto Southern California beaches over the weekend. It's very expensive. Every time a wave washes over a house the homeowner gets fined for watering the lawn on a day other than Monday or Thursday.

Michael Jackson was reported Tuesday to have died from the anesthesia Propofol. It causes euphoria followed by sleep. It's unknown in L.A. because it's hard to trick a woman in a bar into putting that big mask over her face and counting backward from a hundred.

Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated into the National Football League on Monday. He really misread the public. Americans were dead set against the idea of invading Iraq until Colin Powell told the U.N. that Saddam Hussein was arranging dogfights.

Fox News reported a fifty percent leap in ratings Monday. They had the top ten shows on cable and now their viewership is even higher. The idea of combining beauty queens who read the news with political commentators still loyal to King George III has turned out to be the most successful formula since Coca-Cola had cocaine in it.

The Department of Transportation released a study Tuesday showing that texting while driving is as dangerous as drunk driving. It makes sense. Once you put on your reading glasses to see those tiny little keys, you can't see out the windshield.

President Obama met with seniors in Washington D.C. Tuesday. He said health care reform will give everyone everything they want and save them money. You knew when Billy Mays died somebody would rush in front of the cameras and try to get the OxyClean gig.

Former Senator Larry Craig started a consulting firm in Washington to advise clients on energy. His skills are much in demand in the energy business. Oil executives have to communicate with foot signals so that Democrats don't find out what they are doing.

Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor passed a committee vote Tuesday and looked to be headed for Senate confirmation next week. She'll be considered the first Hispanic justice because liberals don't count Justice Benjamin Cardozo. His ancestor was a Spanish Conquistador, which gets you even fewer diversity points than being a Custer.

Senator Harry Reid wrote a letter to the White House Monday demanding that Las Vegas be removed from the blacklist of government meeting and convention sites. All he wants is consistency. If they ban every meeting site that celebrates reckless overspending and prostitution, the U.S. Capitol will have to be padlocked by the sheriff.

The New York Times reports Dick Cheney tried seven years ago to send U.S. troops to Buffalo to arrest terror suspects, but President Bush wouldn't hear of it. The former president now looks wise and cautious. At the rate George W. Bush's reputation is improving, who knows, in three years Jeb Smith might be able to run for president under his real name.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Bud Selig was reported Monday considering ending Pete Rose's lifetime ban from Major League Baseball. The poor guy. Twenty years ago Pete was given the choice of managing the Cincinnati Reds or managing the Stardust, and he chose the wrong path.

Michael Vick was conditionally reinstated to pro football by NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The league office stipulated that the quarterback can't play in a meaningful game until week six. So if he signs with the Detroit Lions, September's a go.

Paula Abdul said Friday she may be terminated by American Idol this fall after eight seasons. She makes four million a year and is demanding twelve million. Until something is done about prescription drug prices, she cannot afford to work for less.

President Obama invited the Cambridge cop and the black professor to the White House to settle things over a beer. Both parties still insist they're in the right. Whenever neither side is willing to back down, the best thing to do is to add alcohol.

Cambridge police released the burglary call from the black Harvard professor's neighbor Monday. She said the burglars were Hispanic. Now the professor is outraged that a casual observer didn't think black people were capable of breaking into a house.

President Obama called the arrest of Professor Henry Gates a teachable moment in race relations Friday. The cop asked the black professor for ID, and the professor cussed out the officer and insulted his mother. In other words, both sides overreacted.

President Obama apologized Friday for saying the Irish cop reacted stupidly in arresting the professor. Did he know that's an ethnic slur? It's like saying a black cop reacted shiftlessly, a woman cop acted emotionally, or an L.A. cop reacted harmlessly.

The L.A. Police Department was freed from federal oversight Thursday after eight years. They can no longer use the consent warrant. That's where one cop knocks on your front door then another cop runs around to your back door and shouts, "Come in!"

L.A. sheriffs opened an investigation into the coroner's office Tuesday after photos of Michael Jackson's corpse were sold to tabloids. It's not the worst thing that could happen. It's better than the next two generations telling the tabloids they just saw Michael Jackson at a roadside Stuckey's.

Washington D.C. hosted a doctor's conference Monday to address America's obesity epidemic. They said poverty is the leading indicator of obesity. Empires have come and gone over the centuries, but we are the first one ever to feed the poor to death.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford wrote an editorial apologizing for his infidelity. Actually, he wrote two. He wrote one editorial for the state newspaper apologizing for his adultery and another for Penthouse Letters bragging about his staying power.

Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska in a speech Sunday and she came out swinging against the news media. She was just an economic crisis away from being a heartbeat away from the presidency. Comedians are in grief counseling over her loss.

President Obama urged taxing private health insurance policies Saturday to pay for health care. He called them gold-plated Cadillac benefits. Wouldn't you know the moment a Democrat took over GM the first thing he'd do is slap a tax on Cadillacs?




Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama invited the Boston cop and the professor to the White House to settle things over a beer Friday. It made things worse. After he suggested that they can solve everything over a drink the Irish accused the president of ethnic profiling.

President Obama inserted himself into a comedy of errors Wednesday in a dispute between civil rights and law and order. It involved the president, a policeman and a professor. They're Ginger and Mary Ann away from having a series that'll run forever.

President Obama was ripped Friday when he apologized to the cop and backed the black professor. What an ambush. When he promised to rise above racial divisions, he forgot everyone has shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles and can reach him anyway.

Sarah Palin gave her farewell speech as governor of Alaska on Saturday. She was never comfortable in the job. You feel like such an outsider when you're the only governor at the conference that doesn't have a hooker waiting in the hotel room for you.

President Obama will vacation next month on Martha's Vineyard at a Mississippi timber magnate's estate where President Clinton and Hillary used to stay. It's very exclusive. It's only rented to people who failed to reform health care.

St. Louis Cardinal Matt Holliday led the team to a win in Philly hours after he was traded from Oakland to St. Louis on Friday. The A's were in New York, and rather than endure airport security and wait for a flight, he disregarded his safety and took a commuter train. He hadn't even met his new teammates and already he was willing to die for them.

Spain opened bullfighting season Thursday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights activists to Madrid. Blood sports are under increasing scrutiny. Hundreds of people were trampled on the streets of Atlanta Friday during the Running of the Banks.

Michael Jackson's hair strands kept by his Pepsi commercial producer were sold to a synthetic gem company Friday and will be crushed into two-carat diamonds. The choice wasn't difficult. You can clone him from the hair and wait years for him to learn how to dance, or you can crush the hair into diamonds and get the cash immediately.

Japanese scientists unveiled a robot Saturday that can pitch and hit a baseball at Major League levels. It doesn't bode well. If all our heroes are replaced by robots it means that when a governor says he's hiking in the Appalachians, he really will be.

Jupiter was hit by a giant meteor the size of the planet Mars last week. A meteor once hit Earth, killing all the dinosaurs in the Middle East, who decomposed over ten million years into giant oil deposits. Israel is so sorry it had a no-pets policy.

Palestinian resistance leader Abu Aita sued Sasha Baron Cohen for tricking him into being interviewed in Bruno. A suicide bomber instructor is suing a comedian for defamation of character. Once the people start laughing at you, they don't feel suicidal anymore.

Dick Cheney was reported Saturday to have tried to dispatch U.S. military troops to Buffalo seven years ago to arrest terror suspects but President Bush wouldn't go along with it. It would have been very demoralizing for the people of Buffalo to see U.S. troops rolling in. The poor city has to play the Patriots twice a year as it is.

U.S. Marines seized tons of poppy seeds in Afghanistan Wednesday, then bombed the seed bins. The decision was made to destroy the only thriving part of the economy. The poppy farmers made an awful mistake when they came out against health care reform.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama called a cop stupid for arresting a black professor. All three are now furious. The president invited them to the White House to discuss it over a beer, demonstrating that quality mental health care can be had for a dollar a bottle.

Chinese scientists succeeded Tuesday in growing healthy living mice from mouse skin cells. It's a step toward human cloning and designer babies. Joe Jackson just raided Michael Jackson's plastic surgeon's office to see if he has any of his old noses.

Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger denied a sexual assault claim brought by a Tahoe casino hostess against him. She's angry over how her complaint has been handled. It's just not right for local police to fine him fifteen yards for piling on.

Governor Ed Rendell was named a sex client by Eliot Spitzer's New York madam Friday. People are losing count. Hugh Hefner just renamed the Playboy Mansion the Governor's Mansion because he thinks that it's a stronger brand in the sex business.

Italian premier Silvio Berlusconi was overheard in audio tapes released Friday having sex with a hooker in a hotel room. He'll never match American presidents for macho virility. We have audiotapes of Richard Nixon doing it to the whole country.

Washington state police found two hundred thousand marijuana plants in a forest Friday. It shouldn't have taken them so long to find them. They should have known pot was growing nearby when a roadside mini-mart was hit for the fourth time by bears.

California decided to charge drivers twenty-five cents a mile to travel in the left freeway lane in two years. Liberals went to court to stop it. They believe it starts with a Lexus lane and in no time at all the House of Lords is back in business.

The Labor Department raised the minimum wage to seven dollars and twenty five cents per hour. Not bad at all. It leaves you with two hundred ninety dollars at the end of every week, which is three hundred dollars richer than the state of California.

President Obama's job approval fell again Friday as health care reform fizzled before Congress's August recess. The lawmakers smell blood. Half of them are going to go on vacation to Iowa while the other half are going on vacation to New Hampshire.

House Democrats refused to give GOP members free mailing privileges Thursday unless they stop calling health care reform government-run health care in their mailers. Democrats vow to pass the bill no matter what. The final bill will take Yellowstone National Park and name it Health Care Reform and that'll be the end of it.

The NRA opposed Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court nomination Friday. However, she was able to win the U.S. Chamber of Commerce's endorsement. It's been a liberal dream in this nation for four hundred years to drive a wedge between the guns and the money.

Bernie Madoff was transported to federal prison in North Carolina Monday where he was put to work in the printing and engraving shop. Already he's old news. Bernie Madoff swindled people out of fifty billion dollars back when that was a lot of money.

Texas Governor Rick Perry threatened to lead other Southern states in refusing President Obama's health care reform Friday under each state's Tenth Amendment rights. The Democrats looked at him cross-eyed. They think the Tenth Amendment is that silly old rule from Exodus that makes you feel guilty for coveting your neighbor's ass.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-26-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Florida Gators quarterback Tim Tebow told reporters Thursday he's a virgin and he's saving himself for marriage. That's a smart guy. He's a full year away from being an NFL quarterback and already he's organizing his defense for the rape charges.

Ben Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel concierge Monday for sexually assaulting her in his hotel room last summer. She didn't file a police report because she was afraid she would get fired and never find another job. Even if she's lying she deserves credit for being the only analyst in America who saw the recession coming.

Manny Ramirez homered on Manny Ramirez Bobblehead Doll Night at Dodger Stadium Wednesday. The first pitch was thrown out by Cheech of Cheech and Chong. If that wasn't enough, God Bless America was sung during the seventh inning stretch by Pablo Escobar.

Hillary Clinton told North Koreans Friday to end their nuclear program because they are friendless. They responded by calling her an unintelligent schoolgirl. She's not of course, but she plays one twice a week to keep the spice in her marriage.

Wall Street crook Bernie Madoff was hauled to federal prison in North Carolina Monday. He was put to work in the prison's printing and engraving shop. We knew the federal government was printing money but we didn't know they were using convict labor.

Walter Cronkite's funeral was held at St. Bartholomew's Church Thursday. It was very traditional. In the Episcopal liturgy the funeral service ends with a hymn, which is followed by a benediction, which is followed by a golf tournament with prizes.

The Dow Jones closed over nine thousand Thursday on news that President Obama's health industry takeover had stalled. The Dow goes up as the president's approval ratings fall. The day his birth certificate shows up it'll close at fourteen thousand.

Taco Bell revealed Friday its famous former commercial star Gidget the Talking Chihuahua has died at the age of fifteen following a stroke. This story isn't over. The ASPCA just found hospital-grade anesthesia and an IV stand next to the doggie bed.

Arnold Schwarzenegger caused a ruckus from animal rights activists by wielding a huge hunting knife while touting budget cuts. People don't mind back in his L.A. neighborhood. How much trouble can an actor with a hunting knife cause in Brentwood?

President Obama accused Cambridge cops of stupidity Wednesday for arresting a black Harvard professor who verbally abused cops when they answered a burglary call at his house. The arresting cop gives lectures at the local police academy on how to avoid race profiling. Whenever your jokes get stale you have to go out and get new material.

President Obama accused doctors Wednesday of giving tonsillectomies to children who don't need them. He chided doctors for removing body parts for cash. President Obama needs to make up his mind, he either wants people to buy new cars or he doesn't.

Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was heckled by taxpayers at a town hall meeting for supporting socialism. What does she expect? This country is so capitalistic that we capture Somali pirates and put them to work on Wall Street.

Ford Motors ignited a stock market rally Thursday by posting a two billion dollar second quarter profit. They took no bailout money and sold big, fast cars. If things keep going the way they are going for President Obama, he might have to join a church.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama hosted his fourth primetime press conference in six months Wednesday as he continued to try to rush health care through Congress. The strain is beginning to show. When Susan Boyle got this kind of exposure she cracked like an egg.

Pakistan passed a law Tuesday jailing anyone who tells a joke about Pakistan's leader. It's a first. President Obama likes the idea so much he's demanding that Democrats attach it to the health care bill before they leave on their August recess.

Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi's call girl revealed Monday he always begins his lovemaking by telling a few jokes. It's an old trick. The best way to get over your fear of public speaking is to see your audience naked and then pay them.

ESPN's Erin Andrews was videotaped naked in her hotel room by a voyeur and seen by millions online. He used a wire attached to a tiny camera. ESPN vowed to launch an internal probe, but Erin Andrews said they are not coming near her with that thing.

Pittsburgh Steeler Ben Roethlisberger was sued by a Lake Tahoe hotel concierge Monday. She says he asked her up to his room to fix his TV and sexually assaulted her. If TV repair people would pull up their pants, this kind of thing wouldn't happen.

Federal Reserve chairman Ben Bernanke raised his unemployment forecast for the fall to ten percent Thursday. It's especially bad in Los Angeles. People with jobs can't enjoy it because people without jobs are still driving around tying up traffic.

Congress made preparations to go on vacation Tuesday and not return until Labor Day. That's a holiday which honors workers. Laborious Day is a lesser known holiday which honors those who can't stop holding White House press conferences.

President Obama blasted insurance and drug companies Wednesday while pushing his health care reform bill. His isn't the only idea. The Republicans have a perfectly sensible health care plan of their own, it's called Don't Get Sick in the First Place.

The White House caused an uproar Wednesday by inviting the Congressional Budget Office director to the Oval Office. He'd said the president's health care reform plan would increase health care costs. He left the White House on a stretcher after setting a new Guinness world record holding his breath underwater for fourteen minutes.

The White House ordered cabinet departments to avoid holding their conventions in Las Vegas, Reno or Orlando. Better safe than sorry. The president doesn't want any cabinet officials to be accidentally photographed at the pool with TARP recipients.

Senate Democrats nixed a measure permitting drivers to carry concealed weapons across state lines. Laws like this can make a real difference. For instance, abrupt lane changes has replaced heart disease as the number-one cause of death in California.

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin's appointment was criticized because she is overweight. Critics say she's a poor choice as the nation's chief health officer during an obesity epidemic. It's like naming Michael Jackson's doctor to be Sleep Czar.

Michael Jackson's doctor's clinic in Houston was raided by the DEA and the Los Angeles police Wednesday. It was shrewd of the pop star to select a doctor in Texas. Any region that lives and dies on something as volatile as oil prices and college football isn't going to notice a little anesthesia missing from the hospital pharmacy.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Jupiter was hit by an asteroid the size of Earth Tuesday, leaving a huge crater in the planet's polar surface. The hole spread rapidly. Al Gore's head is spinning trying to figure out just how a planet can be destroyed without any Republicans on it.

ESPN star Erin Andrews was videotaped nude in her hotel room by voyeurs Monday who posted it online and got millions of hits. It was a lesson learned. She'll never get out of a shower again unless she's wearing a golf cap with a sponsor's logo on it.

Walter Cronkite's funeral is held today at New York's St. Bartholomew's Episcopal Church. They hold a champagne and ice cream reception every Sunday after church. God is depicted in a painting on the church ceiling wearing a tuxedo and carrying a tray.

Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church at age eighty-four Sunday. It is the dominant church down South. For two hundred years Southern Baptists have tried to convert everyone in the country, or as they call it, universal fire insurance.

Governor Schwarzenegger preserved La Jolla Cove for beached seals Tuesday. The day before, a horde of squid washed up ashore at nearby Pacific Beach. The idea is to make people so disgusted with sea life that they'll support offshore oil drilling.

The Justice Department ended its LAPD consent decree Monday, which began with the Rodney King beating. He's sober now. Of all the people who stand up in AA meetings and describe the damage their drinking caused, he's the only one with network news footage.

The U.S. Senate delayed Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court nomination debate for one week on Monday. Republicans are balking. They didn't believe her when she said she would follow the Constitution, apply the law, and return Dred Scott to his owner in Missouri.

Southern Democrats resisted parts of the health care bill Tuesday, fearing it will kill private health insurance, socialize medicine, deny expensive treatments and bankrupt the Treasury. The Republicans have a health care plan of their own. They want to train the starters at golf courses to recognize the early signs of skin cancer.

President Obama held yet another primetime press conference at the White House Wednesday, where he pushed for his health care proposal. The polls don't look good for the measure. It is dying the death of a dog, only this time Michael Vick has an alibi.

President Obama ordered the Secret Service Tuesday to grant continued protection to Dick Cheney. If the president had refused, the former vice president would have been all right. Everybody who'd like to kill Dick Cheney lives in a state with a handgun ban.

Dick Cheney signed a two million dollar book deal Tuesday to write his memoirs, which will be out in two years. It will be a huge best-seller. Eight long years of Harry Potter propaganda has built up a natural curiosity to hear Lord Voldemort's side of the story.

President Obama's approval fell to fifty-five percent in the Gallup Poll. His predecessor's rating was fifty-six percent at this point. He's fallen below President Bush's mark at six months in office, and he hasn't even invaded the wrong country yet.

Congress discontinued using incandescent light bulbs in the U.S. Capitol Monday in favor of those energy-saving squiggly fluorescent bulbs. When these light bulbs get smashed in trash bins, it's like an explosion in science class. The bulbs leak so much mercury into the ground water that doctors can now take your temperature with a trout.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Tom Watson missed a putt on the final hole to lose the British Open Sunday. It hurts. Normally when a sixty-year-old goes after something he's too old to win he offers to pay its rent and lease it a car, but this time there were too many witnesses.

The White House welcomed Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins on the moon landing's fortieth anniversary. Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin stepped onto the moon while Collins remained inside. In every group somebody has to play Ringo.

Michael Jackson's family was reported Monday to be planning to make Neverland a West Coast version of Graceland. Elvis only made it to forty-two, while Jackson made it to fifty. This is evidence you should never mix sleeping pills with fried peanut butter.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince set box office records Sunday. American kids love the battle between Good and Evil with the British starring as Good. Could multi-culturalism be the next huge star from the Seventies and Eighties to die?

San Francisco was the scene of a commuter train crash Saturday, spilling people and rail cars onto the roadbed. It's the fifth commuter rail crash in the last year in America. We are now tied with Iran for the most number of deaths due to Twittering.

Hillary Clinton apologized in India Monday for America's prime role in causing global warming. They just ignored her. If Hillary Clinton could control emissions, there would not have been a blue dress and there would never have been an impeachment.

President Obama is described by his Secret Service agents as a constant smoker in a new book released Monday. Our last three presidents have included a womanizer, a smoker and a drinker. It just shows that it takes three presidents to replace Lyndon Johnson.

President Obama holds a primetime press conference tonight to keep promoting his health care reform proposal. He has got to stop calling for more sacrifices. Goats are becoming endangered as Americans try everything to appease the God of Jobs.

The Pentagon added thousands of troops for deployment overseas Monday. They're having a hard time finding enough soldiers to send to Afghanistan. Every time one of them asks to see the president's birth certificate, they have to cancel his orders.

Senator Ted Kennedy admitted Monday that health care reform will lead to health care rationing. His declaration may be the last nail in the box for health care reform. Everyone is shocked to learn that the latest treatment for brain tumors is truth serum.

Columbia University published an environmental health study Monday saying that polluted air leads to lower IQs for children. Smog makes kids less smart. So if you don't want to be corrected by your six-year-old on facts and opinions you've held all your life, move your family to Los Angeles and sign your kids up for track and field.

California officials said Friday they could raise a billion dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. It could save the airline industry. Flights leaving the state could sell candy bars for a hundred dollars and people would pay it.

Jimmy Carter left the Southern Baptist Church over its refusal to ordain women and its teaching that women must be subservient to their husbands. Now he belongs to no church at all. The similarities between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter get scarier every day.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Walter Cronkite was eulogized as America's greatest news anchor on Friday when he died at age ninety-two. His was the twelfth celebrity death in three weeks. The only explanation is that the world is experiencing an outbreak of swine fame disease.

Elizabeth Taylor left the hospital Saturday after undergoing treatment for her grief over Michael Jackson's death. She spent two weeks under heavy sedation. That is not so much a tribute to Michael Jackson as it is an impression of Michael Jackson.

Tom Watson thrilled the golf world Saturday by seizing the third round lead in the British Open at Turnberry. The joy was short-lived. After Tiger Woods missed the cut, Judge Sonia Sotomayor ruled that the cut was flawed and should be tossed out.

John Daly shot his way into contention at the British Open Friday as the crowd in Scotland went wild. He's good at thinking ahead. Before his flight to Scotland he remembered to pack a case of Miller Lite, and that was for the trip to the airport.

Hollywood movie star James Caviezel suffered cuts and bruises when a man threw a bicycle into the path of his motorcycle in Seattle. The actor who starred in The Passion of the Christ is refusing to forgive him. He doesn't want to get typecast.

President Obama used his radio address on Saturday to try to salvage his goal of passing health care reform. Support is collapsing on Capitol Hill as the lawmakers read the fine print. The only part of his plan that isn't communist pays for abortions.

The White House urged Congress Saturday to pass a health plan that insures all Americans. The need is growing. A health report Friday shows that thirty percent of Americans are attached to a machine at home which keeps them alive, the refrigerator.

Britain's National Health Service urged schools to teach English children that sex is pleasurable and fun. Government health care takes the fun out of everything. Little children who want to play doctor have to wait two years to make an appointment.

The National Governors Conference was held in Biloxi last weekend but economic woes kept thirty governors at home. It just is not a good time for governors to travel. No matter where you go, voters think you're in Argentina seeing your mistress.

Hillary Clinton flew to India and Thailand and Indonesia Saturday. It's labeled a state visit but it's more like a scavenger hunt. She's quietly offering a twenty-five million dollar reward for a certified copy of the president's birth certificate.

The Treasury Department tried Thursday to hire contractors who could conduct Humor in the Workplace seminars. They refused to allow ethnic jokes, sex jokes, President Obama jokes or jokes on the U.S. government. They were forced to cancel the contract when the only comedian who met the requirements was sworn in as senator from Minnesota.

Dan Quayle was interviewed by the Associated Press Saturday in the Nevada town of Stateline. He's a casualty of the Internet age. Ten years ago Dan Quayle was heir to a vast chain of newspapers and today he's a greeter at the Buffalo Bill Casino.

The White House ordered fifteen hundred National Guard troops to the San Diego border Saturday. Drug smuggling, gun smuggling and immigrant smuggling are rampant. The drug and gun smuggling are highly profitable but the immigrant smuggling doesn't make any sense unless they are simply staying in practice for when we have jobs again.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Neil Armstrong is hailed today on the anniversary of the moon landing. He's from Ohio, just like the first man to orbit, John Glenn, and the first man to fly, Orville Wright, were from Ohio. It shows that no challenge is too great when a man is trying to get out of Ohio.

Episcopal Church bishops voted Wednesday to allow for the blessing of same-sex unions. The bishops always cave in to political pressure. They've been blessing the union of adulterers ever since they found out it's a condition of being Senate chaplain.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford took his wife Jenny on vacation Friday to try to make up. She gave him another chance after he confessed to adultery. She tried to trade him in under the new cash-for-clunkers program but they only take cars.

French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced a tribunal he accidently ingested cocaine when he kissed a girl in a Miami nightclub. He said she had cocaine in her mouth when he kissed her. Only a Frenchman could open that Ziploc bag with his tongue.

Pope Benedict left the hospital Friday after he slipped and fell last week and broke his right wrist. That's the hand he used to use to salute Adolf Hitler back when he was a youth in Germany. God's got a way of making sure people don't backslide.

President Obama backed off his August deadline for health care reform passage Friday after Southern Democrats in the House and Senate balked over how to pay the trillion dollar price tag. They know something about laying off costs on future generations. Their grandparents left each one of them a trunkful of Confederate bonds.

Hillary Clinton was reported Friday to be unhappy over the way the White House is reining her in. She feels her opinions as Secretary of State are being ignored. She's used to being locked out of the Oval Office but not for more than an hour at a time.

The Pentagon assured U.S. soldiers Wednesday that it won't ban smoking in war zones. Nicotine withdrawal is the most agonzing experience known to man. The only thing that could make it worse is if you are holding a machine gun while you're going through it.

San Diego's beaches were awash with dead giant squid Friday which washed up on Pacific Beach. They attacked local divers and were immediately sorry. The next day homeless shelters in San Diego featured a soup line, a bread line and a calamari line.

McDonald's marked the thirtieth annniversary of the Happy Meal Friday when the chain began giving out toys with every kid's meal. So that's it. We might not need universal health care today if broccoli came with a free toy and french fries didn't.

Dr. Regina Benjamin was named Surgeon General Thursday, prompting criticism over her weight. Do-gooders complained that a surgeon general shouldn't be obese. Democrats believe that if you're not thin, green and miserable you're just a selfish Republican.

The Centers for Disease Control said Friday American obesity varies by race. Thirty percent of Hispanics are obese, thirty-six percent of blacks are obese, and twenty-four percent of whites are obese. The obvious explanation is that beans are cooked in lard, greens are cooked in bacon grease, and Scotch contains zero grams of trans fat.

L.A. cops said they're probing Michael Jackson's death as a crime. He was taking hospital anesthesia through an IV drip in his rented Bel-Air home. He had to look in the white pages under von Frankenstein to find a castle with a working operating room.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-19-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama refused Senate pleas Friday to tax company-paid health benefits to pay for health care reform. This leaves only tax hikes. If health care reform was any more dead the Jackson family would be pushing it around Los Angeles in a gold box.

French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced tennis's tribunal that the only reason he tested positive for cocaine was that he kissed a girl in a club. It's all too common. Alex Rodriguez didn't really take steroids, he got it from kissing the mirror.

Madonna's stage collapsed in Marseilles on Thursday right before she arrived for a concert. You can bet that it wasn't her mistake. When your act includes a number where you're crucified on a giant cross, you make sure the carpenter is a union guy with seniority.

NASA admitted Friday that they erased the videotapes of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon. It happened during the Seventies. Richard Nixon ordered all the tapes erased and just his luck, they missed the ones he was really concerned about.

The Watergate Hotel in Washington D.C. will be put up for auction on Tuesday. Richard Nixon resigned over the burglary there and Monica Lewinsky later lived there. This is the only hotel in the world that names the banquet halls after impeachment lawyers.

Episcopal bishops voted Thursday to allow the blessing of same-sex unions just a day after they okayed gay bishops. It didn't end there. Clergy must now enter the sanctuary dressed as either a fireman, a cop, an Indian chief or a construction worker.

General Motors executive Bob Lutz complained Tuesday that GM no longer hires hot-looking blondes to be auto show models. He's had enough. He's tired of having to beg Fox News to do live remotes from the trade show floor just to get some beautiful women next to his cars.

The Sears Tower in Chicago was renamed Willis Tower on Thursday. Only the sign changes. Locals still call Cellular Field Comiskey Park, they still call Macy's Marshall Field's, and they will still call the Willis Tower the next place they strike.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate her favorite show growing up was Perry Mason. He got a different client off for murder every week. It was also O.J. Simpson's favorite show growing up, proving that no one can predict the influence of a TV show.

New Haven fireman Frank Ricci testified against Sonia Sotomayor on Thursday. He was the victim of her reverse discrimination. She thinks when whites are denied promotion it's fairness, when blacks are denied promotion it's racism, and when Hispanics are denied promotion it's Republicans denying the president the nominee of his choice.

Michael Jackson has sold nine million CDs since his death. That's what a week of free TV coverage will do for you. Somewhere in paradise Princess Diana is kicking herself for not marketing a line of perfume and jeans before she got in the limousine.

Michael Jackson's death was investigated as a possible murder by the L.A. police Friday. They are looking at the cardiologist who administered the fatal dose of anesthesia. Homicide charges are unlikely, but date rape cannot be entirely ruled out.

California officials said Friday they could raise a billion and a half dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. This could start something. If they legalize cocaine they could balance the budget from the revenue they'd make from speeding tickets and the money they'd save from nobody living past the age of sixty.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama demanded that Congress pass health care reform on Wednesday as support began slipping over its massive cost. It isn't right for the rich to have better health care than the poor. Everybody should have anesthesia in the living room.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince sold out its Thursday midnight openings nationwide. Children love how the boy wizard uses witchcraft to battle evil. If Harry Potter were an American he would use his magical powers to fend off foreclosure.

The Episcopal Church voted to lift its ban on the ordination of gay bishops at its national convention in Anaheim Tuesday. The church is split by the gay issue. Conservative Anglicans cannot abide a theology that hates the sin but loves the shoes.

Berlin's brothel Maison d'Envie offered low-price tricks to men who arrived on bicycles Tuesday, to help battle global warming. The word spread. The next day half of the field at the Tour de France disappeared for two hours on their way to the Alps.

The British Open is held this weekend at Royal Turnberry Golf Club on the west coast of Scotland. Golfers must contend with cold weather, gusty winds, driving rain, high rough and the sea. To stay warm between shots John Daly plans to play golf.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted under questioning by Senate Republicans Tuesday that she'll strictly interpret the Constitution. So the liberals were right. If you interrogate someone with these techniques, they'll tell you anything you want to hear.

Senator Dick Durbin defended Sonia Sotomayor Tuesday saying white males aren't genetically sympathetic to minorities like her. However, everyone has warm feelings for Puerto Rico. Nine out of ten Americans will admit their first drink had rum in it.

The White House began running TV ads in states represented in the U.S. Senate by moderate Democrats Wednesday to pressure them into voting for the president's health care plan. No one knows how much it would cost because the government can't say no to anybody. Under national health care, John Wayne Bobbitt would get severance pay.

Dick Cheney was reported Monday to have organized a CIA death squad to kill al-Qaeda leaders. It makes sense. Ever since the U.S. Army was assigned to win the hearts and minds of the enemy, we've had to hire independent contractors to do the dirty work.

George W. Bush got a huge ovation before the All-Star Game in St. Louis Tuesday when his videotaped message was played. It's no secret why. Who would have thought a year ago that four-dollar gasoline and an unnecessary war would be the good old days?

President Obama displayed an effeminate pitching form when he threw the first pitch at the All-Star Game. He held the baseball with three fingers and threw it with a relaxed wrist. The Liberace Museum just bid ten thousand dollars for that ball.

GOP Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation with his wife Jenny Wednesday. Just three weeks ago his infidelity was world news and now no one can remember his name. He's the only Christian in South Carolina who can say he was saved by Michael Jackson.

Debbie Rowe was reported by the New York Post Tuesday to have sold her rights to Michael Jackson's kids to his mother for four million dollars. She previously sold her rights to them for eight million and four million. Everyone wants granite counters in their kitchen and some people have a knack for finding a way to pay for it.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Lance Armstrong cycled into contention in the Tour de France Monday in the two-week bicycle race. The crowds cheer his triumph over cancer. Testicular problems nearly ended his career, making him eligible for a U.S. Senate pension after he retires.

St. Louis hosted the All-Star Game Tuesday with President Obama there. Security was tight. They used facial recognition software to keep lawbreakers from entering the ballpark, but since smoking is not a crime yet President Obama was able to get in.

President Obama threw out the first pitch in St. Louis on Tuesday. Practice is the key. After September 11th, President Bush fired a perfect strike at Yankee Stadium, but when it came time to hit the country that attacked us, he missed high and outside.

Stan Musial met President Obama on the field in St. Louis Tuesday, which protected the president from being booed. Was this wise? Just a few years after Ted Williams did the very same thing for President George H.W. Bush in San Diego, he was beheaded and frozen.

President Obama was joined on-camera Tuesday by Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush in a pre-game tribute. The five of them in one sequence made quite a sight. World Series of Poker analysts said if they were cards, you'd fold.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor was grilled by Senate Republicans Tuesday for saying wise Latinas make better judges than white men. They should toast her nomination. White men are now a minority for the first time since the landing at Jamestown and we are gong to need a liberal activist judge to protect us from the twenty-first century.

President Obama's health care reform bill drew outraged howls from Republicans Tuesday. He's clearly a socialist. Judging from the latest quarterly earnings report, he's trying to redistribute all of America's wealth equally between Goldman and Sachs.

President Obama's Teleprompter fell over and crashed Monday during his speech in Washington D.C. Glass shattered all over the floor in mid-speech. Now he's under tremendous pressure from the unions to retrain autoworkers to become cue card holders.

The Washington Post said Monday that White House staffers work from six in the morning to ten at night seven days a week to push the president's agenda. That's perfect. Where else but in America could our first black president be a slave-driver?

The Globe reported Monday that George W. Bush has been suffering in Dallas from shocking memory lapses which are beginning to alarm his family. It should alarm all Republicans. There is a right time and a wrong time to make Ronald Reagan your role model.

Michael Jackson's life insurers refused to pay his twenty million dollar policy Tuesday. They say his drug use amounted to suicide, which isn't covered. Joe Jackson just promised to whip all his surviving children until one of them confesses to murder.

Joe Jackson began pushing his family Monday to get Michael's three kids to form the Jackson Three. The only thing that outweighs the horribleness of this idea is its financial possibilities. Satan just called Joe Jackson to concede the election.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opened, in which he duels Lord Voldemort and Malfoy and Lestrange. The series teaches British and American kids a centuries-old lesson. Love comes and love goes, but people with French names are out to kill you.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was photographed admiring the rear end of a beautiful teenage girl in Italy at the Group of Eight summit. There's a simple explanation. Hillary Clinton didn't go on the trip but Bill Clinton's still acting as an unofficial adviser.

The Running of the Bulls was held in Spain Sunday and ten people were trampled fleeing wild bulls down the street. It's senseless and bloody and you can't take your eyes off it. Every nation has its version of Supreme Court confirmation hearings.

The U.S. Senate began Supreme Court confirmation hearings Monday for Judge Sonia Sotomayor. She'd replace David Souter. Her confirmation would put six Catholics on the Supreme Court, making it only one-third less Catholic than the College of Cardinals.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate Monday her judicial philosophy is one of fidelity to the law. She may never get confirmed. When she mentioned the law it embarrassed the Democrats and bringing up fidelity was a cheap shot at Republicans.

Justice David Souter will retire from the Supreme Court in July. For the first time in history there will not be an Episcopalian on the court. The two-hundred-year tradition of adjourning every summer for the British Open is seriously in danger.

David Letterman welcomes Paul McCartney to the Late Show tonight where he will plug his summer tour. Hopefully they'll enjoy some laughs. Dave's last joke about Sarah Palin's daughter died so badly that Al Sharpton showed up to lead the memorial.

Sarah Palin announced in her resignation speech that Alaska is better off with her out of the governor's office. She's clearing her schedule for bigger things. She's this close to announcing her children would be much better off raised by wolves.

Jaguar introduced its new XJ sedan made out of recycled aluminum. It's sure to be a favorite in Hollywood. You can drive a hundred miles an hour then tell the cop that the smell of alcohol is coming from the recycled beer cans in the door panel.

Michael Jackson's father Joe tells ABC Thursday how he raised the Jackson Five in Indiana. He admits whipping his sons during rehearsals when they missed a step. Money was tight and the family couldn't afford both a choreographer and an overseer.

LaToya Jackson charged Tuesday that her brother Michael was murdered. He could afford all the drugs he wanted without worrying about the costs or consequences. It's just more evidence that national health care will kill more people than it saves.

President Obama chose Alabama doctor Regina Benjamin to be the next U.S. Surgeon General. It's getting complicated. She will answer to the drug czar, who answers to the health czar, who answers to the immortality czar, who answers to the Romanoffs.

The Treasury Department announced Monday that the U.S. budget deficit has topped one trillion dollars for the first time in history. It's uncharted territory. We are so deep in the hole that it's starting to look like a secret plan to invade China.

President Obama told reporters Monday that Congress won't stop him from passing health care reform this summer. You've seen this move on the Discovery Channel. What he is doing to Congress is known in the Animal Kingdom as marking your territory.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was photographed Thursday admiring the rear end of a Brazilian girl at the Group of Eight summit in Italy. She's sixteen. He met with the pope one hour later, a move which efficiency experts describe as fixing the problem right away.

President Obama got a hero's welcome in Ghana, where people beat drums along his motorcade route. His head is swelling. That night his wife invited him to go out on the hotel room balcony with her, but he turned her down saying they'd just want a speech.

President Obama will throw out the first pitch at the All-Star Game tonight in St. Louis. He could get booed. Robin Hood lived to a ripe old age because he had the sense not to stand in the middle of a baseball stadium in Missouri and raise taxes.

Prince Charles gave a speech in London Friday saying capitalism and consumerism has ruined the world. He said the age of convenience is over. Most parents can't fathom the idea of outliving their children but Queen Elizabeth says it has to be done.

Forest Lawn Cemetery camouflaged the crypt where Michael Jackson's gold-plated casket is being stored. They're worried about grave robbers. The crypt is right next to Liberace's tomb and rumors still persist that he was buried with his diamonds.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi declined Congresswoman Sheila Jackson Lee's request Thursday to introduce a congressional resolution honoring Michael Jackson as an American legend. Enough's enough. The Pentagon's already named the Predator after him.

Michael Jackson's family debated whether to make Neverland Ranch a shrine. Six hundred thousand Elvis fans pay to tour Graceland each year. Paul McCartney just announced he wants to be buried at whichever one of his homes is nearest a hub airport.

Dearly Departed Tours in Hollywood added a hundred new bus tours Wednesday to bring tourists to Michael Jackson's death site in Holmby Hills. Celebrity deaths are good for the California economy, for hotel occupancy, TV ratings and now vehicle sales. If a bomb fell on Hollywood right now it could pull us out of the Depression.

General Motors vowed Friday to build cars Americans want to buy as GM emerged from bankruptcy. Democrats are livid. There's a waiting list for the super-fast Camaro, which emits a cloud of carbon dioxide that spells out Our Planet, Our Rules.

House Chairman Charlie Rangel is proposing a tax hike on upper incomes to fund universal health care. Upper-income Americans already work four months a year for the government. Government employees don't work four months a year for the government.

NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield won a judge's stay of his suspension for testing positive for amphetamine use on the track Thursday. NASCAR fans love the bad boy image. If this doesn't pick up the TV ratings they're going to try drive-by shootings.

The White House issued a report Friday saying that a record twenty-six percent of all Americans are obese. Fat is a national threat. More and more families are having to face the difficult decision of whether to pull the plug on the refrigerator.

North Korea launched a cyber attack Friday on the Pentagon and White House and State Department computers. It didn't take investigators long to detect the culprit. The FBI knew the virus came from North Korea when its electricity went off at sundown.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Senate begins hearings today for Judge Sonia Sotomayor for the Supreme Court. She's said her experiences as a Latina woman make her a better judge than a white male. She would never have asked Miss USA if she was in favor of gay marriage.

Las Vegas was reported Thursday offering astoundingly low hotel room rates due to the recession. Sixty hotels are offering rooms for twenty dollars a night. If this had happened two years ago, O.J. Simpson could have been arrested at a much nicer hotel.

The White House issued a health report Friday showing that a record twenty-six percent of Americans are obese. The main problem is that in America you can get something to eat twenty-four hours a day. All you need to have is money or a pistol.

Tennessee Titan legend Steve McNair was was buried in Nashville Thursday. It's an old story. While cheating on his wife, he was shot and killed in his sleep by one of the two women he was seeing, or as it's called in Washington D.C., natural causes.

Michael Jackson's family petitioned Santa Barbara County Thursday to allow the late superstar to be buried at Neverland Ranch. That would be fitting. Neverland Ranch is the only wildlife refuge that has both a petting zoo and a heavy petting zoo.

The Los Angeles Coroner subpoenaed all medical records from Michael Jackson's doctors Friday. Police found Percocet, Demerol, Oxycontin, Propofol, Diprivan and an IV stand in his home. He may have died due to a bad reaction to food and water.

Motown founder Barry Gordy allowed Michael Jackson's body to be stored in his Forest Lawn crypt temporarily. He rests in a row of ornate crypts between Bette Davis and Liberace. He died as he lived, unable to qualify for a mortgage and stuck in a rental.

The Pentagon was asked by military health officials Tuesday to ban all tobacco use by all U.S. military personnel. Great idea. We could save free enterprise if we make the commander-in-chief choose between smoking a cigarette and staying in office.

President Obama ended his week overseas with a stop in Ghana Friday. It's been a hectic trip. His last stop before Ghana was at Vatican City in Rome, where President Obama played Pope Benedict in the World Series of holier-than-thou attitudes.

Pope Benedict lectured President Obama on reproductive rights Friday. The pope opposes birth control, abortion and stem-cell research. He used to be opposed to surrogate mothers until he decided it was too much paperwork to excommunicate Mary.

President Obama was caught by a photographer on Thursday admiring the rear end of a pretty junior delegate to the G-8 Summit. They have a lot in common. She's Brazilian, and by coincidence that's how much he wants to spend on universal health care.

Southern Methodist officials asked George Bush not to display Saddam Hussein's pistol at his library Friday. It was the only WMD found in Iraq. Imagine President Bush's sense of agony when he squeezed the trigger and water came squirting out of it.

Nevada U.S. Senator John Ensign's parents gave his married lover ninety-six thousand dollars to go away and sent her a severence letter with the cash. This makes the adultery official. Under Nevada law, it's not sex unless you pay for it.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-12-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Michael Jackson was reported Thursday to have been taking Demerol and Dilaudid and Xanax and Paxil and Zoloft and Percodan on a regular basis. Don't fault him. He was just trying to show young people you don't have to do crack to have a good time.

Steve McNair was shot Saturday by his mistress, who'd walked into his condo and found him asleep after he'd been bar-hopping all morning. There's a lesson here for every pro athlete. Never drink so much that you are too weak to turn the deadbolt.

The U.S. government released a report Thursday saying that twenty-six percent of Americans are fully obese. You can see it at any airport. The only thing that's keeping the economy going is people buying larger sizes every three months at WalMart.

USA Today published data Thursday showing that states that voted for President Obama have gotten twice as much stimulus money as those which voted for McCain. It all balances out. Twice as many states that voted for McCain are talking secession.

Chicago cops began searching Tuesday for thieves who rob graves and resell the cemetery plots. Imagine the paperwork. Detectives must deploy magnetic imaging to determine whether a grave contains somebody registered to vote Democrat or Republican.

North Korea was suspected Tuesday of cyber-attacking the White House computer networks by launching what computer technicians call a denial of service attack. North Korea is in major trouble. Denny's had to pay a huge settlement for denial of service.

Los Angeles was rated the worst traffic in America by a government survey Thursday, followed by Washington D.C. It's the motorcades. L.A. edged out Washington D.C. on the final week of the survey because Michael Jackson was in town and Barack Obama was not.

President Obama sent his condolences from Italy to the Michael Jackson funeral Tuesday. He left strict instructions not to have Joe Biden speak in his place. Joe Biden would have stood onstage and consoled the Osmond family on their loss of Donny.

Michael Jackson's family hinted Thursday they may petition Santa Barbara County to bury him at Neverland. That would require a lot of permits. The last man buried on a private estate in California was Ronald Reagan, if you don't count the earthquakes.

Nancy Pelosi wouldn't allow a resolution honoring Michael Jackson on the House floor Thursday. That was wise. If the Democrats endorse Michael Jackson, Republicans will be able to womanize to their heart's content and still be the party of family values.

Iran was charged Tuesday with using beatings and sleep deprivation and violent interrogations on detainees who were arrested protesting for democracy. It's not all bad news. It appears that some of Dick Cheney's staff are no longer on unemployment.

President Obama apologized in Italy for America's failure to reduce our carbon dioxide output. If only Americans were willing to sit in the dark and starve, we'd be more like the Third World and less like Imperial Britain from which we were born. So far, the competition to host his presidential library is between Ethiopia and Syria.

Barack Obama made news Thursday by praising Italy's figurehead president for his personal morality. It was a dig at Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who's a bon vivant wine-loving billionaire and a womanizer. You can't imagine the fun a politician can have in a country where men go to confession every morning and get to start fresh.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Greenpeace activists draped a banner on Mt. Rushmore calling on President Obama to end global warming. You have to be impressed. After only six months President Obama owns General Motors, Chrysler, four banks and AIG, and now he is on Mt. Rushmore.

Magic Johnson was lauded for his hilarious eulogy at Michael Jackson's funeral Tuesday. It aired worldwide. Neil Armstrong can only dream of how much money he would have today if his first three words on the moon had been Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Neil Armstrong will be celebrated next week on the fortieth anniversary of his becoming the first man in history to land on the moon. He is the most optimistic human being who ever lived. Neil Armstrong returned to the earth, and he had a choice.

O.J. Simpson's lawyer asked a judge in Nevada Tuesday to release him from prison pending appeal of his armed robbery and burglary conviction. The judge must decide whether O.J. is a threat to cut and run. One jury said he is and one jury said he isn't.

Michael Jackson's funeral at Staples Center Tuesday drew tourist dollars to Los Angeles. Locals spent, too. One guy went to Staples for the funeral but when no one showed up he bought a laser printer and a day planner so it wouldn't be a wasted trip.

Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein said Thursday he doesn't think he's the biological father of the kids but he doesn't rule it out. You know how it is in Los Angeles. Nobody is claiming those kids until they find out if they can sing.

President Obama corrected Joe Biden's statement Sunday that the U.S. would step aside if Israel attacks Iran. It's getting nutty. Every morning the first item on President Obama's threat assessment report is whatever Joe Biden said the day before.

Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi asked the Group of Eight leaders to commit to reducing Earth's temperature by three degrees. It's not necessary. Just because Silvio Berlusconi is overheated does not mean everybody chases teenaged girls.

Pope Benedict slammed capitalism Tuesday and demanded business ethics that put welfare over profits. Of course he'd say that. When you have a job for life you don't have to worry about which corporations are going to hire you to speak after you retire.

Jeb Bush said Wednesday Americans wouldn't have voted for Barack Obama if they knew he had a secret plan to run up deficits in the trillions. It's amazing. It only took the Democrats six months to change the Bush family name from mud to front-runner.

House Democrats pushed a second giant stimulus spending package Tuesday which the White House encouraged. Once you get a taste of free stimulus money, it takes more and more free stimulus money to keep you high. Once all these congressmen quit drinking, drugging and cheating on their wives, the disease had to go somewhere.

Senate Democrats considered paying for universal health care Tuesday by taxing sugary drinks and alcohol. It doesn't seem fair. If somebody orders a rum and coke at a bar, they are going to have to calculate the tip on half a trillion dollars.

Utah's Senator Orrin Hatch held hearings on college football's Bowl Championship Series and said it's clannish, exclusive and it leaves out deserving parties. He's really mad. A guy this white isn't accustomed to being excluded from any country club.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Health News magazine reported Tuesday that fertility clinics have been swamped this month by men and women who are eager to sell their sperm and eggs. It's the recession. The rush is on to have children who can inherit Michael Jackson's fortune.

Michael Jackson's daughter Paris completely stole the show Tuesday with a tearful and heartfelt tribute to her dad. Lionel Richie, Smokey Robinson and Jennifer Hudson could only watch. The lesson of Michael Jackson's life is that a ten-year-old can upstage anybody.

Los Angeles police said Tuesday that six hundred people turned out on the street for Michael Jackson, instead of the quarter million they expected. They based their estimate on the crowds that turned out for Princess Diana's funeral and Elvis Presley's funeral. Now we know the secret to crowd control is child molestation.

Michael Jackson's family motorcade to Forest Lawn's chapel Tuesday shut down the Ventura Freeway during morning rush hour. The motorcade consisted of five Rolls-Royces trailed by four Bentleys and six Jaguars. Even Motown won't buy an American car.

Magic Johnson got huge laughs at the Staples Center memorial Tuesday recounting how much Michael Jackson loved to eat Kentucky Fried Chicken. It was a great plug for the restaurant. The autopsy showed that he wasn't obese and his arteries were fine.

Al Sharpton told the crowd Tuesday that Michael Jackson's crossover popularity made the careers of Oprah Winfrey and Tiger Woods possible and elected Barack Obama. It was a stunning speech. Millions of Michael Jackson's younger fans had no idea he was black.

Michael Jackson's family reportedly kept secret his actual burial site and sent a decoy casket to Forest Lawn in Hollywood. The place makes special accommodations for stars. They offer the deceased perpetual care and a twenty-four hour answering service.

Michael Jackson's family was reported to be planning a tour where he'll perform with his brothers as a hologram. The technology allows engineers in the booth to control a star's entire performance. President Obama's handlers think it could replace the TelePrompter.

House Democrats started pushing a second stimulus spending bill Monday despite bond market worries about the growing national debt. It doesn't worry Democrats at all. Their idea of meeting the needs of a growing population is to widen the doors.

Walter Mondale walked Al Franken to the Senate for his swearing-in Tuesday. He lost a presidential race and a Senate election. Walter Mondale once said there is no place for God in politics and apparently God felt the same way about Walter Mondale.

Al Gore declared Monday that global warming is as big a threat to the world as Nazi Germany was. He wants the whole world to do whatever he says is necessary. It's a good thing Tipper forced him to shave off that little mustache he was growing.

General Motors was carved up by a judge Tuesday, giving taxpayers sixty percent ownership of the automaker. The government owns a car company. Now no one in Los Angeles will buy a GM car because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation.

The FBI said Tuesday that mortgage fraud is rampant and growing across America today. It's a major problem in Southern California. There are some beautiful homes in Los Angeles that are built on bluffs, because nobody ever asks to see a tax return.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Staples Center hosted both Michael Jackson's funeral and the Ringling Brothers opening Tuesday. What a day. Everybody's favorite moment was when Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton and twenty-five other dignitaries all got out of the same Volkswagen.

Tennessee Titans legend Steve McNair became the ninth celebrity in the world of entertainment and sports to die in three weeks Saturday. It's the recession. Once the economy forced them to start drinking tap water, their bodies just couldn't adjust.

Los Angeles police demanded Monday the Staples Center help pay the police costs for Michael Jackson's memorial. They can't cope with all these celebrity funerals. Street vendors all over Hollywood have begun selling Maps to the Stars' Chalk Outlines.

Dodger Stadium distributed seventeen thousand tickets to Michael Jackson's memorial after two million people applied. They were then scalped for a hundred grand. It's evidence Michael Jackson touched a lot of people, however he was acquitted every time.

Al Sharpton announced a campaign Sunday to get Michael Jackson's image on a U.S. postage stamp in the next five years. This will be some campaign. We'd have to vote between the younger African-American Michael and the older Joan Crawford Michael.

Michael Jackson's mother Katherine was denied executorship of Michael's estate by a judge Monday. The estate's in great shape now that Michael is no longer spending thirty million per month. That's how much prescription medicine costs in America today.

Minnesota U.S. Senator Al Franken arrived in Washington D.C. Monday after winning the long recount last week. He's the sixtieth vote for the Democrats and now they can do whatever they want to do. He refused to believe they can't get him a TV series.

The U.S. and Russian governments agreed Monday in St. Petersburg to lower their number of nuclear weapons to as few as fifteen hundred apiece. Critics say we're just disassembling the weapons, not destroying them. National security now depends on which population can follow the directions to assemble Christmas presents the fastest.

President Obama agreed in Russia Monday to cut the U.S. nuclear arsenal. This comes after he sided with the Mullahs in Iran and Castro in Honduras. It would be an obvious case of political suicide except that they can't rule out a David Carradine-style accident.

Sarah Palin said nothing about future political plans after her resignation as governor of Alaska Friday, and she went fishing with her husband in western Alaska. She has got a restricted license. She's only allowed to bag three speaking gigs a day.

The Lundberg Survey said gas prices hit three dollars per gallon in California despite people driving less. Critics say drivers are being screwed by the oil companies. It's no accident that the most frequently used actor's name in porno movies is Derrick.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell was reported Monday nearing a ruling on Michael Vick's case. He's good at this. Last year Roger Goodell arranged for the Cincinnati Bengals to wear striped uniforms, so when they go to prison they won't have to change.

The London Telegraph reported research on apes Friday indicating that laughter dates back before mankind. Researchers were able to get apes to laugh on cue, proving that laughter goes back ten million years. Jackie Mason can tell you, the jokes still work.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-7-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

George W. Bush spoke at a July Fourth event in Woodward, Oklahoma. Locals could not believe he agreed to come, and police had to scramble to accommodate the crowds. The excitement reached a frenzy after video footage of his last rehearsal was leaked.

Bubbles the Chimp was not invited to Michael Jackson's memorial at the Staples Center. He's living in an animal shelter for great apes in Florida. It was twenty-four years ago today that Bubbles ran away from the circus to join the Jackson family.

The Staples Center hosts Michael Jackson's funeral in Los Angeles today. There will be a million people on the streets. That's how many people feel cheated that there was no riot after the Lakers' win and think the town owes them a flat screen.

Los Angeles police went into Michael Jackson's house Friday and found the drug Diprivan and an IV unit set up in the den. The search was completely legal. The police entered the house acting on a tip there was Children's Bayer in the guest room.

Mercedes-Benz rolled out a new luxury sedan Saturday that's getting critical raves for its extras. It has an electronic driver's seat masseuse. If a politician can survive being photographed driving a Mercedes, it could save him a hooker scandal.

U.S. Navy forces went on alert in Hawaii Saturday, deploying interceptors and sea-based radar in case North Korea launched a missile attack. That's a relief. Time magazine's cover story just advised President Obama to be just like FDR, but turning his back on Pearl Harbor to get America out of a depression might look a little obvious.

North Korea fired seven short-range missiles on July Fourth, each with a range of about three hundred miles. South Korea and Japan called the missile firings provocative. They weren't intended to be provocative, all missiles are shaped like that.

President Obama will fly to Italy for the Group of Eight meeting this week. He's scheduled a long meeting with Pope Benedict at the Vatican Friday. He said he's been doing a lot of research on which church to join, but this is ridiculous.

President Obama visits a castle in Ghana Saturday which was a hub of the slave trade in Africa. It's hard for him. He's torn between his hatred for slavery and his belief that a one hundred percent tax rate will solve all of the problems in the world.

The World Series of Poker began its fortieth year in Las Vegas Saturday at the Rio Hotel and Casino. No woman has ever placed higher than fifth. Women with top skills in lying and deception can do a lot better than the jackpot in some poker tournament.

Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska without telling Alaska's lieutenant governor Friday, in a press conference that left viewers cross-eyed. She said she gave up her office to spend more time thinking of ways to serve Alaska. Mark Sanford was only able to enjoy a six-day run as the strangest Republican governor in America.

Mark Sanford refused calls for him to resign as governor of South Carolina. He spent the Fourth of July in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. Womanizers around the country agreed it was a rather inappropriate way to spend Independence Day.

Lady Liberty re-opened to tourists in New York Saturday. The sculptor depicted Frances Stuart, a English girl who refused to sleep with Charles II even after he put her image on British coins as Britannia, later copied in America as Lady Liberty. Until Emma Lazarus wrote that poem the monument was known as the Statue of Abstinence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska apparently to run for president Friday. As she spoke her long, dark hair fell over a bright red double-breasted jacket. The GOP waited years to have a candidate who sounds like Richard Nixon and looks like Michael Jackson.

Toronto Argonaut Arland Bruce paid homage to Michael Jackson after a touchdown Friday and got fined. He laid down in the end zone and played dead. They apologized to him after it turned out the impression sold out the stadium for the next six games.

The Staples Center in Los Angeles will host Michael Jackson's memorial service Tuesday. The Ringling Brothers circus is scheduled to begin eight hours after the funeral in the same arena. It you can tell the difference, you deserve to get in free.

Los Angeles deployed hundreds of police for Michael Jackson's memorial service Tuesday. It's a fiscal crisis. The city is broke and can't pay overtime so cops have been asked to work just for the chance to beat demonstrators at a historic event.

L.A. investigators found the anesthetic Diprivan in Michael Jackson's rented home in Bel-Air Friday. He had prescription drugs and an IV unit in the living room. It is just one more thing making it difficult for musicians to rent in nice neighborhoods.

President Obama flew to Russia for Kremlin talks Monday. Russia tried national health care, they tried government ownership of industry and they tried to win a war in Afghanistan. If you can't be a good example you can at least be a horrible warning.

President Obama hosted a reception for gay and lesbian organizers in the White House Monday. They put heavy pressure on him about gay marriage. The next time he says he has a mandate, he's going to be careful to explain that he really likes women.

Lady Liberty's crown was re-opened to tourists Saturday after being closed due to the World trade Center attacks. It was a no-win situation. The Statue of Liberty is obviously a tempting target, but with no people around, Canada geese were free to use the statue as a forward staging base from which to attack passenger planes.

The Washington Post tried to sell access to its reporters to lobbyists to make money. The Post is being vilified for unethical conduct. Police in Orange County had to be called to the Nixon Library after three people collapsed from laughing too hard.

The San Diego Padres had a lengthy game delay Thursday when bees attacked left field. America's bee population is reportedly engaging in incest, which threatens the bee population. The mystery is, how are they able to make the banjos that small?

The Transportation Department said car driving fell off by four percent this year in the steepest decline in history. It's the economy. Young people can't take the family sedan out for a hot date beccause their parents are living in the car.

Governor Mark Sanford spent the Fourth in Florida trying to reconcile with his wife. He should still run for the White House. Americans have come to realize that the stock market only does well when we elect presidents for their entertainment value.

British Museum archivists discovered an original copy of America's Declaration of Independence in storage in London Thursday. It got a laugh. Parents always keep notes from their children, especially the ones that say they're running away from home.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-5-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Arizona lawmakers passed a bill Thursday that allows people to carry concealed guns where alcohol is sold. It got ugly fast. The next night the biggest fool in Arizona walked onstage at the Improv in Scottsdale and opened with a Dick Cheney joke.

The Staples Center is scheduled to host Michael Jackson's funeral Tuesday after Ringling Brothers agreed to delay its set-up. The parallels are eerie. The circus tigers are tranquilized as they're led in, which by coincidence is how Michael Jackson was led out.

Michael Jackson has sold a record-shattering three million song downloads from the Internet since he died. His CDs have all sold out. The next time there's a wild rumor that Paul McCartney is dead, he's going to stay out of sight for a week and rake it in.

The Drug Enforcement Agency was summoned Thursday to help in the investigation of Michael Jackson's unexpected death last week. The entire story is bizarre and chaotic. No one even believed he was dead until Al Sharpton showed up in Los Angeles.

Academy Award winner Karl Malden died at home in Brentwood Tuesday. His death closely followed the deaths of David Carradine, Ed McMahon, Harve Presnell, Fred Travalena, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. When President Obama called for stimulus projects that are shovel ready, he didn't mean that he wanted three celebrity funerals a week.

North Korea fired four missiles into the Sea of Japan Wednesday which Pentagon experts warned could be practice shots for the South Pacific. Conservatives worry. A long-range missile could threaten Bikini Island, where Fox News raises TV reporters.

George W. Bush enjoyed himself at an Oklahoma appearance on July Fourth. It was nice to get some respect for a change. Last year he was the most powerful man in the world, and last month he couldn't get into Applebee's because he wasn't on the list.

Trojan condoms ran a survey which shows that Houston residents lead the nation in sex. It said they have sex over a hundred times a year. Times are so tough that women will now sleep with you to use your employee discount card at the gas station.

Governor Mark Sanford's wife Jenny forgave him Friday for cheating on her with his Argentine lover. She's independently wealthy from her father's tool company. That'll help her repair her marriage because her husband definitely has a screw loose.

South Carolina investigators cleared Governor Sanford of financial wrongdoing Thursday during his adultery jaunts. No surprise. This is the time of year when investigators nationwide showcase for scouts from the Securities and Exchange Commission.

President Obama admitted in an AP interview Thursday that the availability of great pie from the White House pastry chef is putting weight on him. It's going to help his credibility. Americans won't believe he's quit smoking until he puts on ten pounds.

Michelle Obama's White House garden was found Friday to contain high amounts of lead. She's been growing and harvesting vegetables with local schoolkids. Parents demanded the soil testing after the asparagus on the dinner table kept pointing north.

Saddam Hussein said in FBI interviews released Thursday he hid the fact he had no WMDs because he didn't want Iran to think he was weak. His goal was to stop Iran from getting nuclear weapons, prevent Iran infiltrating Iraq, and eliminate al-Qaeda in the region. He was hanged two years ago for smoking in a government building.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 7-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Independence Day weekend, and God bless America.

Simon Cowell was offered a hundred and forty million a year by Fox Network Tuesday to remain on American Idol. All major American holidays are based on little fibs. There is no Easter Bunny, and there is no Santa Claus, and we never really left Britain.

Public Enemies opened Friday starring Johnny Depp as John Dillinger. Bank robberies were more exciting in that depression than in this one. Who'd pay to see a movie about people who lie about the value of their house, stop paying the mortgage and walk away?

The FDA said Tuesday it may ban acetaminophen mixed with pain killers because of liver risks. Acetaminophen itself is safely used as directed. Still, Tylenol overdose is America's second leading cause of liver failure, next to keeping up with John Daly.

Tiger Woods hosts the AT&T National in Washington D.C. this week. He played the pro-am with with Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo. Tony Romo needs a lot of security when he plays in Redskins country, so has to play with either Tiger Woods or Barack Obama.

Governor Mark Sanford said Monday he crossed the line with other women besides his wife but he never crossed the sex line with them. How amazing. It only took ten years for Oral Sex is not Adultery to become the bipartisan consensus in politics.

Dow Chemical announced layoffs Tuesday of thousands of workers and chemists in three chemical plants. It was inevitable. Now that Michael Jackson is gone the demand for hair relaxers, skin bleach and prescription drugs has fallen off the cliff.

Michael Jackson's dermatologist Dr. Arnold Klein of Beverly Hills was outed as the sperm donor father of Michael's two oldest kids Tuesday. What a story. Where else but in America can a black superstar marry Elvis's daughter and have Jewish children?

OK Magazine ran a cover photo of Michael Jackson on a stretcher being put inside the ambulance. The issue sold out. If he had known people were that interested in seeing him carried around he could have performed in a sedan chair and saved his life.

Michael Jackson's will was filed in Los Angeles Court Wednesday which provides only for his kids and his mother. The estate taxes could be a problem. There's so much debt in his estate that if California claims its share of the debt, the levees will break in Sacramento.

California lawmakers failed to reach a balanced budget Wednesday and was forced to begin issuing IOUs to pay its bills. The state spends billions every year on education and medical care for illegal immigrants. Arnold Schwarzenegger would sue the federal government for the money but he can't find his birth certificate either.

President Obama applauded Iraq on its progress Tuesday as U.S. troops left their cities. He has assigned Joe Biden the task of making sure everything goes right in Iraq. No one can understand why an American president's ordering suicide missions.

President Obama hosted a town hall meeting Wednesday that was televised on the Internet. How the mighty have fallen. Two months ago his every word was carried live on network TV and now he's competing for eyeballs with online porn and internet poker.

Joe Biden traveled to Erie to award millions for broadband access and failed to draw a crowd. They had to remove chairs to make the room look full. People heard the vice president was coming to talk about the Internet and they thought it was Al Gore.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio