Argus Hamilton's column for 12-31-09

LA JOLLA--Happy New Year, and how's everybody?

It's time for our annual look back at the year in jokes. Here's part one, come back tomorrow for part two.

JANUARY - President Bush gave his farewell speech to the nation Thursday and took credit for making America safer. He sure did. When he first became president airliners were crashing into New York office towers, and today they are landing safely on the Hudson.

Barack Obama was sworn into office Tuesday on the steps of the U.S. Capitol. What a moment. History was made at twelve o'clock noon when Barack Obama became America's first black president since the second season of Twenty-Four.

FEBRUARY - The White House announced Thursday that President Obama will deliver his State of the Union address to Congress a week from Tuesday. He will begin the speech by saying the State of the Union is strong. It is always a good idea to open with a joke.

Attorney General Eric Holder was absent from the State of the Union Tuesday to ensure continuity of government. It's silly to think a bomb would go off during the president's address. The destruction occurs when Congress votes, not when they listen.

MARCH - The Ellis Island Library just honored a couple who emigrated to America fifty years ago for their civic contributions to New York. They raised two sons. The first is the head of a Wall Street investment firm, and the other one's in prison too.

The Smithsonian opened an exhibit honoring Abe Lincoln as a man of the people Monday. For God's sake, he was a rich railroad lawyer. If Abe were a man of the people he would've sat in the audience with them during the play and served two terms.

APRIL - President Obama went on the air Monday to calm any spreading panic about swine flu. The last outbreak of swine flu occurred back in the late Seventies. Forty million people received vaccination shots, the rest are still looking for a good vein.

Captain Richard Phillips flew home to Vermont Friday after he was rescued from Somali pirates at sea, who were killed by three U.S. Navy Seals snipers. He got a parade. The three snipers are so popular that American Idol wants to use them as judges next year.

MAY - New York marked Cinco de Mayo Thursday by introducing the world's first kosher tequila, Tequila Agave. It's really kosher. The tequila is blessed by a rabbi, and it has the Orthodox union seal on each label, and the worm in the bottle is Bernie Madoff.

President Obama held a White House press conference Wednesday to discuss his progress. He's doing fantastically well. After a hundred days he already owns General Motors, six banks and Chrysler, which is why no one in his family will play Monopoly with him.

JUNE - Michael Jackson's body was found Friday to have contained Valium, Xanax, Paxil Zoloft, Demerol, Percoset and Propofil. There's no way he left us for a better world than that one. Michael Jackson might be the first man ever to descend to heaven.

Ronald Reagan's statue was put in the Capitol next to a picture of Christopher Columbus. There's a big difference between Columbus's career as an explorer and Ronald Reagan's acting career. Columbus had to kill all his Indians in the first take.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-30-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

A Northwest flight was saved from being blown up on Christmas. A Dutch passenger leaped over three seats and beat up a Nigerian bomber. President Obama invited the Dutchman and the Nigerian to settle their differences over a beer at the White House.

Northwest Airlines passengers emerged from the plane in Detroit cheering Friday after they stopped a terrorist from blowing up the plane. It's a stirring example of hope. The airliner was heading to Detroit and the passengers wanted to live anyway.

Christmas Day began a media frenzy over the attempted bombing of the Northwest flight. The whole world focused on the al-Qaeda bomber from Nigeria and the Dutch hero who saved that plane. It's the first peaceful day Tiger Woods has had in a month.

Nigerian Umar Abdulmutallab tried to blow up a Northwest flight going from Amsterdam to Detroit Friday. He had three ounces of high explosives inside his underwear. When people live in countries that cover up their women the tension builds and builds.

Umar Abdulmutallab tried to detonate explosives packed in a condom in his underwear Friday. He didn't think it through. If a bomb goes off in your shorts about all you can do with the seventy-two virgins waiting for you in Paradise is take them shopping.

Dutch movie director Jasper Schuringa leaped from his airplane seat and pinned Abdulmutallab to the floor Friday and kept the plane in the air. No one in Hollywood was surprised. It says right there on every director's business card that they're God.

Nigerian banker Alhaji Mutallab tipped off the U.S. Embassy in July about his son Umar. He said his own son was radicalized and posed a danger to America. No father has had to go through something like this since Henry Fonda, who went through it twice.

President Obama spoke about the attempt to bomb an airliner on Monday. He wore his angry look. After a full investigation he's concluded the attempted terrorist attack was the fault of excessive Wall Street bonuses and greedy insurance executives.

The Pentagon released two of the airline bombing plotters to Saudi Arabia from Guantanamo two years ago. The Saudis released them after putting them through art therapy class. They teach that Van Gogh cut his ear off when a Jew moved in next door.

Dutch officials forwarded Abdulmutallab's name to Washington before takeoff Friday and the U.S. cleared him. We didn't foresee the Northwest Airlines attempt, the World Trade Center attack or Pearl Harbor. It's long been the policy of the United States that the best way to put the construction unions back to work is to look the other way.

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano stated Sunday that the system worked. A Muslim man on the terrorist watch list whose name was turned into the FBI by his dad paid cash for a ticket and was allowed aboard. We frisked a nun to keep her from boarding with a metal crucifix out of fear she could have used it on a terrorist to convert him.

Washington state on Monday joined four other states where bills to legalize pot have been filed for January. It's historic. Cheech and Chong just booked the USS Missouri to accept the surrender of the United States government in the War on Drugs.

Ted Kennedy wrote in his book True Compass the one thing the public never knew about Jack Kennedy is what a beautiful singing voice he had. It makes sense when you think you about it. No one was allowed in the Rat Pack unless they could carry a tune.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-29-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Pope Benedict was knocked down by a woman at a Christmas service Thursday. She tackled the pope and an aging cardinal. In every nation with free health care the taxpayers are attacking the elderly for running up the tab and then walking the check.

The Weather Channel showed blizzards sweeping across the Great Plains Thursday that canceled many Christmas Eve services. Records were set. Dallas had its first White Christmas in eight decades which didn't involve Michael Irvin and a coffee table.

Golf Digest suspended Tiger Woods's monthly instructional golf articles Friday, continuing his free-fall in sponsor support. Not all of Tiger's corporate sponsors have bailed out. Until an ugly mistress turns up, Lasik Eye Center is standing by him.

President Obama flew to Hawaii accompanied by three planes, two helicopters and a fleet of SUVs. He just got back from China and three trips to Scandinavia. Every time he releases his itinerary, oil shoots up two dollars a barrel on supply concerns.

The U.S. Senate passed the health care reform bill Thursday with only Democratic Party support for it. The Republicans warned that it won't end well. Jesus had a health care plan that healed people for free but the paperwork simply crucified him.

GOP Congressman Bart Stupak vowed to sabotage the health care bill if it funds abortion. It's a GOP article of faith. Republicans believe in the sanctity and protection of life from conception to birth and after that it's the law of the jungle.

GOP state attorneys general vowed Thursday to challenge the health care reform bill over the Cornhusker Kickback provision. Nebraskans are mortified. They didn't want their Medicaid expenses subsidized by other states, all they wanted was a BCS bid.

Nevada Senator Harry Reid accidentally voted no on his own health care bill at seven o'clock in the morning on Christmas Eve. Everyone was exhausted and operating on auto-pilot. It just shows that Harry Reid knows how to get re-elected in his sleep.

The Census Bureau said Thursday the United States population grew by less than one percent last year. A major factor in the low count is the disappearance of migration. Within three years we could see Americans back at shortstop and second base.

The Pentagon killed the Islam cleric in Yemen who mentored the Ft. Hood shooter Thursday. He was picked off by a missile from a Predator drone. It's the first indication that the military opposes the plan to put terrorists on trial in New York.

Jimmy Carter apologized to Jews last week if anything he has said or written offended them. He wrote that Israel was guilty of apartheid. Jimmy Carter didn't think it was insulting because it was his platform the first time he ran for governor.

Osama bin Laden's seventeen-year-old daughter escaped the Iranian guards who've kept her under house arrest Thursday and sought refuge in the Saudi embassy in Teheran. This could work out. She's been running up her credit cards with Internet shopping and eventually she's going to have to turn in her father for the reward money.

The Pentagon said Thursday it might keep terror detainees at Guantanamo prison in Cuba until next year. The Illinois prison needs ten months of upgrades and construction. It's being rebuilt entirely by Illinois contractors and union labor, meaning it won't be finished until halfway through the Limbaugh Administration.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-27-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Senate passed a health care bill Thursday allowing the U.S. to take over one-sixth of the economy and forcing citizens to buy private insurance. It could have a happy ending. Imagine the Confederacy with no slavery and a border with Canada.

Congressman Parker Griffith of Alabama switched to the Republican Party Monday, citing philosophical rifts. Democratic leaders are getting less and less respect. Texas auto repair shops have begun giving out Nobel Peace Prizes with each oil change.

President Obama delayed going on his Christmas vacation to Hawaii on Wednesday until the Senate passed a health care reform bill. The president deserves a break. He's tired of dealing with Washington and he'd like to relax in the water with sharks.

Hollywood's Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins announced Tuesday they will divorce after twenty-five years together. He cheated. Susan was rummaging in the attic Monday and found an old letter to Tim from Ronald Reagan thanking him for his support.

Osama bin Laden's sons and daughters were reported Thursday being held in Iran under house arrest. He has dozens of children and God only knows how many grandchildren. We should all be grateful that Adolf Hitler hated sex except with countries.

President Obama sank to a fifty-six percent disapproval rating Monday as Tiger Woods scored a fifty percent disapproval rating. There's more public empathy for an adulterer than a socialist. Everyone's tempted to cheat but nobody's tempted to share.

USA Today reported Friday that personal breathalyzer test kits are big sellers this fall. This way you can have a few drinks with dinner, then test yourself to see if you can drink more. Alcohol may be man's worst enemy but the Bible says love your enemy.

Tiger Woods's wife Elin reportedly hired Beverly Hills divorce attorney Sorrell Trope. She's angry that Tiger won't go to rehab for sex and drugs. A married man can forget his mistakes, there is no use two people remembering the same thing.

The U.S. Senate dropped the tax on elective plastic surgery from the health care bill Monday and instead put a tax on tanning salons. It's just a budget gimmick. You can't claim a cost savings of a hundred billion dollars by wiping out skin cancer.

JFK Airport had a riot in the Delta terminal Wednesday when passengers waiting to board flights to Haiti stampeded over long lines and flight delays. You can't make it up. The economy's so bad that people are trampling each other to get to Haiti.

USA Today reports a boom in the synthetic turf business in Southern California due to the water shortage. It's severe. Ever since the EPA reported last year that there were trace amounts of cocaine in L.A.'s drinking water, they can't keep it in stock.

Hillary Clinton convinced Germany Thursday to send five thousand German troops to the Afghanistan war theater. They have very exacting demands. The German Army refuses to go anywhere unless the emcee introduces them as star of the History Channel.

The FAA spent five million dollars on a three-week conference in Atlanta which included drinking contests, dancing on tables and propositioning female undercover reporters. It's nice work if you can get it. Hugh Hefner was just forced to sell off Playboy Enterprises because his employees kept leaving to work for the government.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Merry Christmas, everybody, and God bless America.

Nazareth yielded artifacts dug up Monday from the year Mary was told she would bear the Savior. She had no health insurance and no hospital and no doctor and she still gave birth to Jesus. It's the kind of self-sufficiency that Republicans worship.

Diane Sawyer debuted on ABC's World News Tonight Monday. Not everyone knows her history in the civil rights movement. Thirty years ago Diane Sawyer and Judy Woodruff were the first blondes to break the color barrier on the network evening news.

Tiger Woods's mistresses were analyzed by region Monday and it was found that most of the women who admitted having affairs with him live in Las Vegas. After a month of revelations, one thing is clear. The only thing that stays in Las Vegas is O.J. Simpson.

Robert Downey Jr. angered his movie studio by telling Dave Letterman Monday that Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were gay. It's not that farfetched. It would explain the legend of Sherlock Holmes, that you could only kill him with a really great lyric.

Roman Polanski escapes jail under a California court deal devised Monday. It's part of the Seventies revival. If we're gonna have unemployment, high gas prices and recession, we might as well have Quaaludes and sex with underage girls in Beverly Hills.

Russia's Communist Party asked for a moratorium on criticizing the late Soviet dictator Josef Stalin on the one hundred thirtieth anniversary of his birth Monday. You can't make it up. The U.S. Senate voted for health care reform on Stalin's birthday.

Senate Democrats rammed the trillion dollar health care bill down the national chimney. It tells consumers what to do, it tells insurance companies what to do, it tells drug companies what to do, it tells doctors what to do and it tells patients what to do. The first thing it tells everybody to do is send ten dollars to Nebraska.

The U.S. Senate dropped the tax on elective plastic surgery from the health care bill Monday. The plastic surgeons swooped in with huge donations. The next morning Ben Nelson and Mary Landrieu faced reporters looking like Bruce Jenner and Joan Rivers.

Majority Leader Harry Reid was besieged by Senate Democrats Tuesday demanding goodies and tax breaks like Nebraska and Louisiana got in the health care bill. The scene was chaotic. They're like the hookers who work in a brothel for five years and then have a nervous breakdown when they find out the other girls are getting paid.

Senate Democrats were deluged by protests from taxpayers after they advanced the health care bill Monday. A nation founded in the name of liberty is being demolished in the name of equality. If you make less than two hundred fifty thousand dollars a year, Las Vegas blackjack dealers are now required by law to deal you two face cards.

The White House said Tuesday air passengers must be returned to the gate after sitting on the runway three hours. What a pain. The reason passengers are sitting on the runway is because if they can catch a bird bare-handed they can get some food.

The White House said Tuesday it wants to regulate the pharmaceutical residue in drinking water, which contains tiny amounts of drugs. The solution is simple. Perhaps if they'd stop raiding people's houses, people would stop flushing their drugs.

The Pentagon admitted Tuesday that hackers broke into the TV camera feeds from Predator drone flights over Afghanistan and western Pakistan. The Predator drone attacks are launched by remote control. The day after Christmas we're going to find out that three out of five kids playing video games were actually killing the Taliban.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Mattel's Barbie doll was reported the top selling Christmas toy this year. She is completely up-to-date. Barbie's Dream House now has a nine-iron in the umbrella stand in case Ken starts going to the toy stores and looking at the other Barbie dolls.

Tiger Woods's wife Elin contacted a divorce lawyer on Friday after a fifteenth mistress came out to the tabloids. The list keeps growing. The Postal Service just announced plans to honor Tiger Woods by putting his photograph on the overnight stamp.

Martha Stewart welcomed Snoop Dogg to her show Friday where they baked brownies together. They were topped with green sprinkles. That's the way many inmates get high in prison, but it's just a coincidence Snoop Dogg and Martha Stewart have the same recipe.

Queen Elizabeth gives her annual Christmas Day address to the English-speaking world Friday from Sandringham Castle. It's her one speech a year. She doesn't have time to answer all the thousands of letters from Americans begging her to take us back.

Sarah Palin cut her Hawaiian vacation short Friday because the paparazzi hounded her on the beach. Blame it on her book tour. Once you've gone into Iowa and eaten a pork chop on a stick it's a long time before you can be photographed in a bathing suit.

Major General Anthony Cucolo said in Iraq Monday that soldiers who get pregnant will face court martial and prison. The same goes for the soldiers who impregnated them. We have to make up our minds, are we fighting the Taliban or have we become the Taliban?

Senate Democrats voted early Monday for a health care bill that raises taxes on the rich. Last week, Democrats reinstated the inheritance tax. It's just a matter of time before cops are pulling NBA players out of their cars and arresting them for possession of money.

Senate Democrats slapped a ten percent tax on tanning salon sessions Monday in the health care bill. It was a failed attempt to get John McCain's vote. The idea was to make tanning salons so expensive it would be cheaper to buy a house in Arizona.

Roman Polanski's attempt to get his case dismissed in Los Angeles was rejected by the state appeals court unanimously. The last thing we need are kids in Los Angeles flirting with mall Santas, thinking he can get them into the movies.

The Copenhagen Climate Conference ended Friday with a non-binding agreement to reduce greenhouse gases. Their predictions were frightening. All week long hookers at the hotel bar offered to go upstairs with delegates in exchange for carbon credits.

Boeing test-flew its new Dreamliner last week over the Pacific Northwest. They discovered the wiring under the cabin needs more protection. Ever since airlines stopped serving food, passengers have been gnawing their way through the floor board.

Senate Democrats vowed Monday to pass immigration reform to bring construction workers back from Mexico. This could have Republican support. With Charlton Heston dead and the Mexicans gone home it's virtually impossible to get your ceiling painted.

The FBI released its annual crime report Monday showing that crime fell last year. Crime usually goes up during an economic downturn. During the Great Depression America had John Dillinger, Pretty Boy Floyd and Bonnie and Clyde, but this time all the bank robbers are on the board of directors and they haven't been arrested yet.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-23-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

John Daly went on CBS News Monday to show that he just lost one hundred pounds with lap band surgery. He was able to cure his problem with surgery. If Elin Woods had picked up a scalpel instead of a nine-iron the same might be said for Tiger Woods.

Tiger Woods caught heat from civil rights leaders Monday about all fifteen of his mistresses being white and none of them being black. You can understand their outrage. President Eisenhower used to send in the National Guard over ratios like this.

Washington D.C. will enjoy a beautiful White Christmas this year after a foot of snow fell Saturday. The parties were especially festive. At a Washington D.C. party it's not so important that your guests feel drunk, they must feel drunk and important.

Brett Favre had to argue with his coach to stay in the game Sunday. His games have been moved to prime time because he gets such huge ratings. He can't be pulled out of the game unless the advertisers agree and they couldn't be reached on a Sunday.

San Diego Chargers lineman Jon Runyan announced Sunday he will retire after the season and run for U.S. Congress. He's already practicing. On Sunday he offered the referee an exemption from Medicaid costs if he would go easy on the holding penalties.

Louisiana won the title of the happiest people in America in a national survey that was released on Friday. It makes sense. If you had alligators guarding your stills and meth labs from Treasury agents you'd be the happiest people in America, too.

Pope Benedict pushed Pope Pius XII's nomination for sainthood forward Saturday, dredging up skeletons. Pius XII signed a concordat with Hitler while Benedict fought for Hitler. Sainthood is rapidly becoming as discredited as the Nobel Peace Prize.

Senator Ben Nelson's vote clinched passage of health care reform Sunday after he got Nebraska exempted from Medicaid cost hikes plus a tax exemption for Mutual of Omaha. Nebraskans are furious. What they wanted was a domed stadium for the Huskers.

Ben Nelson sold his health care vote for a tax break for Nebraska and Mary Landrieu sold hers for Louisiana pork. Vermont and Connecticut senators also cleaned up. Tiger Woods's mistress tally is up to seventeen and the last three are United States senators.

Anglican priest Tim Jones urged the poor to shoplift from the big chain stores Sunday, saying the needs of the poor outweigh the property rights of the rich. Some guys are always last to get the word. The Copenhagen Climate Conference was last week.

France's Eurostar passenger train stalled in the English Channel on its way to England from Paris Sunday. People froze in the dark waiting to get moving forward again. You'd think with their military record the French would have a train that went backwards.

Harry Reed called the need for health care reform a crisis in a speech Sunday on the Senate floor. He said two Americans were dying during his ten-minute speech. However, he is not about to give up the Senate floor just to give CPR to two people in the gallery.

Mexico City legislators legalized gay marriage Monday, making it the first city in Latin America to do so. The Catholic Church doesn't object. The law requires gay couples to have ten children within three years or the marriage will be annulled.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-22-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Charles Barkley and Michael Jordan publicly begged Tiger Woods to contact them Friday. He's changed his cell phone number and gone underground. If they can switch his addiction from sex to gambling they can save his career because cards don't talk.

Tiger Woods was named Athlete of the Decade by the Associated Press last week. His career is by no means over. In addition to going after Jack Nicklaus's record for most majors he's now in sight of Michael Jordan's record for biggest divorce settlement.

Tiger Woods was reported house hunting in France to escape his daily shaming in the U.S. and British media. The idea isn't new. Two centuries ago Thomas Jefferson purchased Louisiana so he could enjoy an occasional weekend getaway from the Puritans.

Senate Democrats hurried Friday to meet the president's Christmas deadline for health care passage. Some things can't be rushed. Chefs say it's better to cook on a stovetop and see what you're doing than cook in a microwave and see what you've done.

Ohio former congressman James Trafficant said Thursday he may run for Congress again now that he's out of federal prison on corruption charges. It's an argument for term limits. James Trafficant served ten terms, nine in Congress and one in jail.

New York plastic surgeon Steve Greenberg organized a Times Square rally against the plastic surgery tax in the health care bill. What a sight. It was the youngest and hottest-looking picket line since the Vietnam War ended and nobody was under fifty.

Queen Elizabeth delighted her subjects by taking a commuter passenger train to her winter home in Sandringham Thursday rather than fly. She likes to stay safely on the ground. She's bound and determined to save England by outliving Prince Charles.

President Obama flew to Copenhagen Friday in his third trip to Scandinavia. He went there for the Olympics, the Nobel Prize and the climate summit. He's spending so much time in Scandinavia the Chicago Tribune just accused him of being a Vikings fan.

President Obama wants rich countries to give a hundred billion a year to poor countries to compensate them for climate change. It won't fly. The U.S. only gives poor nations a hundred billion a year to compensate for changes in their oil reserves.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi reserved five Air Force jets to take her delegation to Copenhagen on Thursday. There was no talking her out of it. Ever since Nancy Pelosi found out that humans don't cause global warming she's been living like a queen.

President Obama warned on Thursday the U.S. will go bankrupt without health care reform. It's taking fire from the left, right and center but no one can kill it. Health care reform is the first bill ever to graduate from an al-Qaeda training camp.

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs conceded Friday that President Obama hasn't had time to get back to Chicago each weekend as he'd hoped. So far Chicago hasn't gotten the Olympics or many presidential visits, but he hasn't forgotten his old hometown. For Christmas he's sending them the terrorist detainees from Guantanamo.

President Obama wrote a personal letter Friday to North Korean leader Kim Jong Il to try to persuade him to return to disarmament talks. They have missiles that could hit China and Japan and North Korea. Without new televisions, Americans will die.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-20-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

As the World Turns was canceled by CBS after fifty years. What else can they do? When Tony Romo leaves Jessica Simpson a day after she meets Tiger Woods on a golf course, no soap opera can beat the news for adult language and sexual situations.

John McCain urged a pardon for heavyweight champion Jack Johnson who was jailed for keeping a white mistress a century ago. The laws were rigid. Back then people didn't considered adultery a private matter between golfers and their sponsors.

London bookmakers began laying odds on how much money Tiger Woods will have to shell out in a divorce settlement with Elin Nordegren. The overs-and-unders is two hundred million dollars. They already agreed to split the house, he gets the outside.

Erin Andrews asked a judge Friday to jail her stalker for secretly videotaping her nude through her hotel room peephole. What a creep. He once bit his girlfriend in the neck and it took him ten minutes to Scotch tape the wound and blow her back up.

Pepsi-Cola reported Thursday they will not air commercials in the Super Bowl for the first time. They say they want to pursue a marketing strategy on the Internet. Now we know for sure that porno has eclipsed football as the country's favorite sport.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke was voted Time's Person of the Year last week. He's smart. Ben Bernanke was the first to figure out that while a bank's stock might crash just once, the homeowner can crash forever in his parents' basement.

Jack Kennedy's mansion in Palm Beach was reportedly purchased from the Kennedy family on Thursday. Family patriarch Joe Kennedy used to sit by the pool in the Florida sun and manipulate the stock market over the phone. How we miss his leadership.

Archaeologists in Egypt recovered a piece of Cleopatra's palace complex Friday from Alexandria harbor. The ancient queen really understood politics. To maintain her power she slept with Mark Antony, Julius Caesar, Eddie Fisher and Richard Burton.

President Obama was in Copenhagen Friday for the U.N. Climate Summit. The Third World nations think it's their big chance to get our money. They can't all wait for the U.S. and Britain to topple their governments and send in CIA guys with the cash.

Hillary Clinton pledged a hundred billion dollars to developing nations at Copenhagen if China and India agree to binding commitments to lower their carbon emissions. She put on a good show. The idea is to look good to the Third World and agree to something that's no more enforceable than the morals clause of a Nike endorsement deal.

Democratic U.S. Senator Dick Durbin ripped Senate Republicans, saying the minority is holding up cap-and-trade legislation, they're blocking the health care reform bill and they'll block Copenhagen agreements. That's how the Founding Fathers designed it. The Constitution makes Democrats so sick they plan to name the next flu after it.

Haley Barbour said health care reform is a mass suicide pact for the Democrats like Jonestown. Democrats are drinking Kool-Aid while Republicans are having Tea Parties. The line for the restrooms in Washington is an hour and a half and counting.

New York Senator Chuck Schumer apologized for arguing with a flight attendant Sunday and swearing at her. He shouldn't act that way. If he's thrown in jail for interfering with a flight crew the Democrats won't have enough votes to cut off debate.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Young Victoria opened Friday with Emily Blunt as Queen Victoria ruling the British Empire. The time is right. Whenever Congress can't agree on anything and everybody hates the president it's fun to remember that it didn't have to be this way.

Nancy Pelosi postponed health care Tuesday and flew to Copenhagen to give away taxpayer money. Every day it's billions. Nancy is like Tiger's tenth mistress, she knows what she's supposed to do, she just doesn't know if she can keep it interesting.

Tiger Woods's approval ratings tumbled fifty-five points in last week's Gallup Poll. He tied George W. Bush's record fifty-five point drop when the war went wrong. It shows that pronunciation doesn't matter, you can be brought down by Iraq or a rack.

Tiger Woods's doctor was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone. In hindsight you can see it. There were the sudden muscles, the rage, the bad language and the Maris family sitting in the gallery at the last four tournaments.

Sandra Bullock is getting Oscar mentions for her performance in the hit movie The Blind Side. The film is a true account of a Tennessee evangelical housewife who adopted a homeless black teenager and steered him to a career in the NFL. It's the courageous story of a Holllywood actress daring to portray an evangelical in a sympathetic light.

President Obama was accused by liberals Monday of abandoning his principles to pass a health care bill. The left, right and center now oppose the bill. With the president's approval ratings so low, it's big of him to want to keep everybody alive.

The White House announced plans to transfer terror detainees from Guantanamo Bay in Cuba to a federal prison in northern Illinois. Human rights activists are livid. Haven't the terrorists been tortured enough without being turned into Cubs fans?

The Washington D.C. City Council voted Tuesday to allow same-sex marriages. They dismissed old laws against sodomy in Washington. For two hundred years it's only been legal when performed by a licensed member of the House Ways and Means Committee.

The House passed a defense spending bill and raised the debt ceiling by another trillion Wednesday. They're a year behind California. In Washington they still think it is cool to suck all the money out of the House then spend it on a good time.

Germany deployed two thousand troops to Afghanistan Wednesday to join the forty-five hundred German troops already there. They've been invited into Afghanistan after a sixty-year time-out for starting two world wars. Nobody loves you until they need you.

Iran successfully test-launched a missile with a range of twelve hundred miles Wednesday. It can reach Israel. If Iran arms it with a nuclear warhead it would be the first missile ever deployed that could destroy Israel while denying the Holocaust.

Mexico entered a float in the Rose Parade to salute its bicentennial New Year's Day. The parade draws two million Southern Californians. If Schwarzenegger has a brain in his head he'll walk behind this float so it'll look like the roar is for him.

The History Channel will do an eight-part movie on Jack, Bobby and Ted Kennedy. It takes eight episodes just to dramatize all their infidelities. All of these things were secret until now because the Kennedys were afraid they'd lose their Nike contract.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Princess and the Frog came out Friday as the first animated movie starring a black girl in the romantic lead. It won't change anything. Betty and Veronica just held a press conference to say they slept with Tiger Woods during the Riverdale Open.

Tiger Woods registered a fifty-five point approval rating plunge in the Gallup Poll Tuesday with women especially outraged. Sixty-seven percent of all women in America said they're disappointed in him. Each of them thought they were the only one.

The New York Times said Tuesday that Dr. Anthony Galea who treated Tiger Woods in Florida was arrested in Canada for smuggling human growth hormone and other performance-enhancing drugs. Now Tiger's in trouble with Anglo-Saxons. That's cheating.

Boeing test-flew its new passenger Dreamliner made out of super-light material Tuesday which promises huge gains in gas mileage. It's still a fuel hog. The plane is several thousand pounds overweight and it doesn't even have any Americans on it yet.

The White House announced Guantanamo terror suspects will be moved to Illinois Tuesday. How shrewd. Offering terrorists food, shelter and a Caribbean climate has failed to obtain actionable intelligence but a Chicago winter will make anybody crack.

The White House was reported breached by two Georgia tourists who were allowed into a breakfast. That's twice in a month. The White House hasn't been this porous since Hillary installed a doggie door ten years ago so Bill coud come and go at night.

President Obama pushed a Cash for Caulkers plan at a Home Depot Tuesday to get homeowners to winterize their doors and windows. This won't happen. The banks are much too busy holding off the government to go around caulking all the homes they own.

California banned the sale of certain big-screen TVs because of their energy use. Some environmentalists think they're good for the earth. Every time the earth shakes in Los Angeles a flat-screen TV falls off the wall and creates another one-child family.

The Midwest suffered deadly car crashes at intersections Monday due to the new energy efficient traffic signals. The bulbs don't burn hot enough to melt the snow so no one can see them in a storm. Al Gore has now killed more people than swine flu.

The MacArthur Foundation said Monday American life expectancy has increased by eight years due to medical advances. No wonder Social Security's bankrupt. America is the first country that makes you work until you're sixty-five and then pays you to watch Law and Order reruns until you can't remember whether you've seen them or not.

The Gene Autry Museum opened an exhibit that showcases gay cowboys in American frontier life. It shouldn't be news. For twenty years Americans watched Gunsmoke and Bonanza and never asked why the girlfriends always die at the end of the episodes.

Al-Qaeda was reported Tuesday to have suffered losses in manpower due to attacks by Predator drones in Pakistan. They've gone underground while the pilotless planes overhead fire missiles at them whenever they surface. Pakistan says that al-Qaeda attacks are still frequent but gophers have been eradicated from suburban yards.

Senate Democrats agreed to drop the public option from health care Tuesday. It can't pass the Senate with a public option in it and it can't pass the House with a public option out of it. Somewhere James Madison just collected a bet from Karl Marx.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-16-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Italy's prime minister Silvio Berlusconi was clobbered in the face with a blunt object by an angry attacker Sunday. He's the second womanizer this month to suffer a broken nose and smashed teeth. Bill Clinton has begun sleeping in a football helmet.

Tiger Woods took a break from the PGA Tour Monday to try to reconcile with his wife and rebuild his image. We've learned one thing. Tiger Woods is an even greater golfer than anyone could have imagined now that we know he never had time to practice.

Jack Nicklaus said Friday Tiger Woods will eventually figure things out and be forgiven by the public. How gracious. Until now Tiger's goal was to break Jack's record for most major career wins and Wilt Chamberlain's record for most career sacks.

The U.S. Senate argued over adding the costs of preventative care to the health care reform bill. One Democrat wants insurance to cover gym memberships. Fitness nuts are going to feel really stupid someday lying in a hospital and dying of nothing.

Tony Blair told BBC News Sunday he doesn't regret toppling Saddam Hussein even though he had no weapons of mass destruction, because Saddam was a bad actor. It doesn't seem fair. Even bad actors are entitled to stunt doubles for the hanging scene.

President Obama told CBS News Sunday he's angry over the security breach at the White House party three weeks ago. It's a shame the state dinner was overshadowed. India's prime minister was in town to receive America's highest honor, a reality show.

President Obama met with bankers Monday to see if the banks have the liquidity to make loans and get the economy rolling. Now's a good time. For most Americans today liquidity means wetting your pants when you open your retirement fund statement.

President Obama lashed out Sunday at what he called fat cat bankers on Wall Street. He wants banks to loosen up credit. Every day he gets letters from hard-working entrepreneurs who are trying to get a loan to open a brothel before Christmas.

President Obama's approval rating among white voters fell to thirty-seven percent Monday. It looks bad. He's in so much trouble that he offered the White House Counsel's job to Johnnie Cochrane and was panic-stricken when he found out he is dead.

Al Gore was in Copenhagen Monday where he quoted scientists who said polar ice will vanish in five years. Copenhagen is having its coldest December in history. If the scientists were all that smart they would have scheduled the conference in August.

Canada's National Post newspaper in Toronto called Thursday for an international one-child policy to save the planet, copying the Chinese. China does not want their one-child policy to spread to other countries. They've got a toy business to support.

The EPA is seeking the power to regulate water quality on ponds on private lands. They want to be able to regulate every pond as if it were drinking water. Ranchers are going to be forced to serve wine to migrating geese just to keep them from testifying.

The House passed a spending bill Friday that would legalize medical marijuana in Washington D.C. This is a budget-buster in the long run. Marijuana can grow everywhere and Congress will have to pay everyone not to grow it to keep the price up.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-15-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The U.S. Senate debated Thursday whether to make it legal to import prescription drugs from Canada. It would save Americans a lot of money but not everyone cares. Men over fifty-five just want whatever Tiger's taking and they'll pay anything for it.

The New York Post reported Thursday that Elin Nordegren decided not to divorce Tiger Woods and stay together despite all the cheating and public humiliation. She almost killed her husband. Tiger's just lucky that Charles Barkley is her swing coach.

Tiger Woods was caught by the tabloids picking up Orlando waitress Mindy Lawton and having sex in his car in a church parking lot. No wonder he got caught. When you're carrying on like that it's a really bad idea to give God your exact coordinates.

President Obama gave a speech in Oslo Thursday while accepting the Nobel Peace Prize. It was some sight. The president spoke from a lectern next to seven people who were seated onstage, the five-member Nobel Committee and Tareq and Michaele Salahi.

President Obama accepted the Nobel Prize Thursday with the reverb turned up on the auditorium sound system. Is he delusional? Barack Obama may be the first black president but James Earl Jones is the voice of God and the job is never going to be open.

Majority Leader Harry Reid nearly canceled the Senate's weekend session to attend a fundraiser in New Orleans for his Nevada re-election. That's how bad the economy is in Nevada these days. There is more cash floating around in the hurricane wreckage.

Wall Street's Goldman Sachs gave in to White House pressure and announced that thirty top executives will get no cash bonuses this year. New York's governor protested, and he was right. Iowa sticks up for corn farmers, West Virginia sticks up for coal miners, Texas sticks up for oil drillers and New York should stick up for pickpockets.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said she plans to pass a trillion and a half dollar increase in the national debt ceiling by slipping it into a must-pass national defense bill this month. The Democrats have to make sure the president's new spending isn't illegal. The cops in Washington are always pulling over black guys on any excuse.

Roman Polanski was released to house arrest at his Alpine chalet in Switzerland as he awaits extradition to California. It's no picnic in there. The next night they had a prison riot when the butler tried to serve him white wine with steak.

Daily Variety reports that Hollywood movie studios broke the record for annual ticket sales at ten billion dollars. Movies transport you out of this world and into a different one. No wonder people will spend their last ten dollars on a ticket.

Pakistan seized five Muslim-American college boys waiting to get into al-Qaeda boot camps. They'd applied online to join al-Qaeda but were turned down. American students lag so far behind in chemistry and physics they can't even get into al-Qaeda.

The Episcopal Church Diocese of Los Angeles elected a lesbian bishop Friday at its annual meeting. Reaction was angry but muted. Any church founded by Henry VIII can't feel completely comfortable about judging anybody's idea of traditional marriage.

Eliot Spitzer said he may run for New York state comptroller. He was caught hiring hookers because his wire transfers were detected by new Patriot Act surveillance. He was the only New Yorker paying his bills and it immediately drew federal suspicion.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-13-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

President Obama angered Norway Thursday by cutting his trip short and hurrying home to the U.S. The man's got a job to do. If he falls more than three mistresses behind in the Tiger Woods soap opera he will be out of touch with the American people.

Tiger Woods was publicly advised by addiction experts to go to rehab at Sierra Tucson. He's so competitive. Even when he took the twenty-question quiz to find out if he's a sex addict he shot a perfect twenty and got an endorsement deal from Trojan.

Yahoo said the Tiger Woods scandal is the best thing for web traffic since Michael Jackson's death. It's a foolproof mixture of fame, money, sex and Vicodin. Amtrak will be profitable if they can think of a way to put advertising next to a train wreck.

President Obama defended waging necessary wars Thursday during his Nobel Peace Prize acceptance speech. It was pretty awkward. The peace prize was established by the inventor of dynamite, which explains why there's no Nobel Prize for Consistency.

President Obama canceled lunch with Norway's king and snubbed a kids' welcoming event for him. Norway is furious. From now on if we want to sucker a country into declaring war on us, we are going to send President Obama to accept their hospitality.

President Obama thrilled conservatives with his defense of war during his Nobel Prize acceptance speech. It was accidental. Dick Cheney never won the peace prize but he had his speech written and loaded into one of the Teleprompters and ready to go.

ABC News named George Stephanopoulos the new host of Good Morning America when Diane Sawyer moves to ABC's evening news. Invest in Max Factor. The only thing crueler than high-definition television is high-definition television at seven in the morning.

New York's Rockefeller Center was bullied by ACLU lawyers Sunday into changing the name of The Christmas Tree at Rockefeller Center to The Tree at Rockefeller Center. It's to keep from offending Muslims. Next, to suck up to the Chinese they are going to scrape the name off the Statue of Liberty and rename it Lead-Free Barbie.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was formally rebuked by the state legislature Wednesday. Lawmakers voted that he brought the state ridicule, disgrace, shame and dishonor. You can tell by these adjectives the states where dueling used to be legal.

African nations demanded at Copenhagen Friday that rich nations pay them money to comply with new carbon rules. They want three trillion dollars. At the rate we are printing it, that's just enough to buy breakfast off the value menu at McDonald's.

Los Angeles was hit by a vicious winter storm Friday marked by heavy rains and high surf. The forecast is mudslides. Northern Californians put chains on their tires this time of year while Southern Californians put seat belts on their recliners.

New York City police shot and killed a homeless guy in Times Square after they recognized him as a local con artist. The cops said he was trying to talk people into giving him money. For the first time ever Bernie Madoff is happy to be in prison.

The White House reported Sunday the U.S. is under threat of radical Islam attacks planned and executed by U.S. Muslims. Recent arrivals are being watched closely by the FBI. Illegal immigrants from Mexico feel like they went up a notch in the BCS rankings.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Congressional Black Caucus ripped President Obama on Wednesday, complaining that he's not paying enough attention to race. They're just furious. They want the President of the United States to intervene and force Tiger Woods to see a black woman.

South Carolina's Governor Mark Sanford beat impeachment charges Wednesday. His opponents in the legislature couldn't muster enough votes. He had a mistress in Argentina but because he had ten less than Tiger he's been named Nike's new spokesman.

U.S. Congressman Joe Baca withdrew his bill to award Tiger Woods a Congressional Gold Medal Wednesday. It wasn't a decision made lightly. Congress reviewed all the records for screwing people and decided they deserve to keep all the medals themselves.

Yahoo reported that the Tiger Woods scandal resulted in a huge boom for Web traffic at gossip sites. Nobody knows if these stories are credible. It's well known that a lie can make it halfway around the world and back before Tiger can get his pants on.

Gatorade announced Tuesday it's dropping its Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. The name has taken on a negative association. To avoid the same problem the Detroit Tigers are going to change their name to the Michigan Tigers.

President Obama was given the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo. He's the first guy to win a peace prize the same week he sends troops overseas. They brought in a studio audience for his speech so they wouldn't have to add a laugh track in post-production.

Germany made a deal with NATO allowing their troops to avoid fighting at night in Afghanistan. It doesn't lessen their reputation. The German Army remains number one in the BCS poll despite their last two losses, due to strength of schedule.

Senator Harry Reid likened health care reform opponents to those who supports slavery and Senator Barbara Mikulski compared health care reform opponents to Nazis. It's an old story. Every year the Democrats have to hold two fundraisers just to cover the royalties they have to pay the Third Reich and the Confederacy for use as metaphors.

The White House leaked Monday that the EPA may rule business by command and control if Congress doesn't act and pass the Cap and Trade bill. The businesses won't stand for it. We may all choke on the dust cloud that's kicked up when the American jobs heading south collide at the Mexico border with the cocaine coming north.

Indonesia unveiled a statue of Barack Obama as a boy at a park in Jakarta this week. It shows him as a ten-year-old smiling at a butterfly on his arm. One day when freedom comes to Indonesia the people will celebrate by pulling down this statue.

The Treasury Department admitted for the first time Wednesday losing sixty-one billion dollars on AIG and auto bailouts. It was really a bad bet. Las Vegas hotels are sending a private plane to pick up Treasury Department officials and comp their rooms.

The White House angered Congress by invoking executive privilege to keep Social Secretary Desiree Rogers from testifying about the India state dinner crashers. They really need to tighten up security there. A spot check of a White House tour group Monday discovered two tourists wearing Klan robes as well as Osama bin Laden's driver.

Senate Democrats pitched a public option alternative Tuesday. It allows everyone age fifty-five and over to buy into Medicare. Now they are waiting to hear what the CBO says it costs because no one's ever heard the word quadrillion used in a sentence.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Florida police issued an eyewitness report saying Tiger Woods was drinking alcohol the night of his wreck. He also had prescriptions for Ambien and Vicodin. Just add a car to this combination and it's easier to crash than a White House state dinner.

Gatorade dropped plans Tuesday to market a Tiger Woods sports drink called Tiger Focus. It's formulated to improve stamina and concentration. Instead of Tiger they're going to hire Dave Letterman to endorse the drink and call it Pace Yourself.

Tiger Woods's wife Elin Nordegren was reported Tuesday to have bought a home in Sweden and moved out of their Florida house. It couldn't last forever. For years he did a great job of keeping her in line, no matter how many women were ahead of her.

Los Angeles got freezing rain Tuesday while blizzards hit the Midwest and snowstorms hit Houston and Dallas. Everybody's freezing. People were outside running their car engines all night long just trying to get global warming started once again.

Tareq and Michaele Salahi said they would take the Fifth Amendment in Congress if ordered to testify about crashing the state dinner. Right now no one can reach them. They're at the Global Climate Conference in Copenhagen posing as thunder clouds.

President Obama opted to fly to Scandinavia twice this month, making three trips there this fall. He went to Copenhagen to push for the Olympic bid, he's going to Norway for the Nobel Prize, then he's going back to Copenhagen for the climate summit. If the Vikings were still running the neighborhood they would arrest him for cruising.

The Global Climate Conference in Copenhagen banned Christmas trees from the conference hotel's convention center on Monday. The Danes were afraid it might offend the Muslims. The most famous statue in Copenhagen now honors Hans Ecumenical Andersen.

Saudi Arabia demanded a probe of the hacked e-mails of climatologists showing global warming is a hoax. It's natural for the Arabs to protect oil use. How would we if feel if a bunch of scientists accused devalued dollars of causing global warming?

Hawaii lifeguards spotted fifty-foot waves heading for the North Shore of Oahu Tuesday. It's no secret what caused it. That morning when CBS canceled As the World Turns, the sudden stop caused the water to slosh out of the ocean and hit Hawaii.

The Centers for Disease Control in Washington D.C. blamed pet frogs in homes for this year's salmonella poisoning outbreak. That's how tough the economy is. People are buying frogs at pet stores and kissing them hoping they'll turn into a job.

Iranian security forces zapped student protesters with stun guns Monday during pro-democracy marches at Teheran University. Each victim got a jarring shock from the tasers. Iran's government operates on the democratic principle of one man one volt.

Senator Harry Reid caused a firestorm Monday by saying foes of health care reform would have backed slavery. The Civil War's still a sore subject. There are fifteen states in the Union whose people choose to use Northern tissue for historical reasons.

President Obama on Monday proposed making it legal for the U.S. government to spend paid-back TARP money on jobs projects. The banks paid back all two hundred billion dollars and now the cash is just sitting there unspent. Already Las Vegas cocktail waitresses are lining up at the Treasury Department trying to catch Tim Geithner's eye.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-9-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Golf Digest's cover article, printed too soon to retract, is called Top Ten Tips Obama Can Take from Tiger Woods. The cover shows Tiger posing as the president's caddy. Next month's cover shows Bill Clinton caddying and giving tips to Tiger Woods.

The National Enquirer got pictures of Tiger Woods picking up a Florida pancake house waitress and going back to her trailer home. No wonder he got caught. If you engage in this kind of behavior long enough eventually you're going to meet Paula Jones.

Tiger Woods offered his wife fifty million dollars Friday as his facial wounds healed. It was ever thus. Someday writers of love songs are going to be held liable for the damages caused by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.

Mel Brooks was honored at the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C. Sunday. He wrote hilarious musicals with singing and dancing Hitlers and Frankensteins. Mel Brooks could be the only American who knows where bin Laden is because they're in rehearsals.

Sarah Palin's Going Rogue stayed atop the bestseller list Friday. She quotes John Wooden about defending our land to the death when actually the quote's from Indian chief John Wooden Legs. She stopped short of hailing George Washington Carver for crossing the Delaware.

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid compared the opponents of health care reform to supporters of slavery. The issue could prevent his re-election in Nevada next year. The Home of the Running Rebels won't take kindly to anybody criticizing slavery.

Germany agreed to compensate Afghan villagers over a stray German bombing raid in October. It's a real game changer. When President Hamid Karzai's brother heard the Luftwaffe is overhead, he got out of the heroin trade and into the gravel business.

President Obama flies to Norway for his peace prize Thursday and then he'll fly back home. Days later he'll fly back up to Denmark. The EPA just calculated the effects of the president's travel and his smoking and declared him a threat to public health.

President Obama receives the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo Thursday. They voted ten days after he took office. It's the first time an American president has gotten the Nobel Peace Prize for the seating arrangement at the Inaugural banquet.

President Obama agreed to meet Al Gore at the White House before he goes to the Copenhagen climate conference. It's a crusade for Al. Global warming very nearly dried up his water supply when he was a potted plant during the Clinton administration.

President Obama vowed Tuesday to use unspent TARP money for a nationwide jobs programs. This will require a lot of creativity. For this to be legal, ten percent of Americans will have to drop their status as citizens and recharter themselves as banks.

Iraq's government staged a morality crackdown, shutting down ninety nightclubs, revoking liquor licenses and banning dancing. The Shiites are a stern lot. Baghdad now has the only comedy club in the world with a cemetery on the premises.

Roman Polanski was transferred from a Swiss jail to his Swiss chalet in Gstaad Saturday. He's under house arrest. He must wear an ankle monitor, stay inside, and remove the sign over the front gate reading Gstaad Middle School.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-8-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The First Lady unveiled a huge gingerbread replica of the White House Thursday as a Christmas decoration. It's so realistic. There's even a hole in the security perimeter where the Secret Service is waving Hansel and Gretel through without a pass.

Swedish golf star Jesper Parnevik said last week he regretted fixing up his children's nanny Elin with Tiger Woods in the first place. The rules of golf are strict. You're allowed to have fourteen clubs in your bag, however you are not allowed to have a club hostess.

Tiger Woods absolved his wife Elin of all wrongdoing Wednesday, saying she was blameless in their domestic spat. What choice does he have? If his wife goes to prison for attacking him with a golf club he'll have to start paying a babysitter.

Tiger Woods was overheard Thursday begging mistress Jamiee Grubbs to remove her name from her caller ID number. It was urgent. His wife scrolled through his list of callers and she refused to believe that Jamiee Grubbs was a luncheonette in Augusta.

Elin Woods was reportedly holding a pitching wedge or a sand wedge when police found her standing over her bloodied husband. There's a big difference between the two clubs. You use a pitching wedge to cut a lip and a sand wedge to crush a skull.

Congress grilled Secret Service head Mark Sullivan over the White House dinner crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi. The agents did their jobs. For twenty years the Secret Service has kept presidents alive by never telling the First Lady's staff whenever a blonde shows up at the gate that isn't Judy Woodruff or Diane Sawyer.

President Obama announced he'll send thirty thousand U.S. troops to Afghanistan then bring them home in eighteen months. The Taliban and al-Qaeda must be annoyed. Knowing the exact date of the end of the war just means that everyone's going to take their vacations at the same time and they're all going to have to pay high-season prices.

Junior Gotti walked free Monday after a New York jury deadlocked for the fourth time over his racketeering charges. Nobody on the jury wants to incur the wrath of the Mafia. It's the only company that's still hiring and will never leave New York.

USA Today cited statistics Friday saying the percentage of Americans who smoke went up last year for the first time in fifteen years. It's now a courtesy. Everyone is allowed to have one last cigarette before they open up their investment statement.

President Obama hosted a jobs forum of labor leaders and academics Thursday. He didn't invite the Chamber of Commerce but America's businesses were there in spirit. They were under the heat lamps at all the carving stations during the luncheon buffet.

Teheran prosecutors began investigating the death of a young Iranian physician who exposed prison abuse by Iran's Revolutionary Guard. He died of poisoning after eating a delivery salad. It shows that Iran is on the verge of developing a crouton bomb.

Senator Judd Gregg urged fellow GOP senators Thursday to use every procedural tactic available to them to block the health care reform bill from being passed. He said Americans are counting on them to be their voice. Democrats have a strategy as well, they're running around the Capitol taking all the office phones off the hook.

Congress voted Thursday to impose a forty-five percent tax on all estates over three million dollars. It just never ends. The only difference between death and taxes is that Congress can't think of a way to make death any worse than it already is.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-6-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods apologized for his adultery Wednesday. He cheated on his wife with a mistress, cheated on the mistress with a waitress, then cheated on the waitress with the hostess. Nobody bought his original story that he signed the wrong scorecard.

Tiger Woods was reported on CNBC to have offered Elin fifty-five million dollars to stay in the marriage for seven years and never tell her story. This might work out. It could put the spice back in the marriage if she takes money to sleep with him.

Nike and Gatorade and Gillette backed Tiger Woods on Thursday. The endorsement contracts have a morals clause. It cancels the deal if he does something the company considers immoral like, for instance, if Tiger starts flipping houses they don't have to pay him.

L.A. waitress Jamiee Grubbs played a recorded message from Tiger Woods asking her to hide the affair. She's a cocktail waitress and a receptionist at a medical marijuana store. That means she's just a cocaine connection away from earning her masters in Los Angeles studies.

Tiger Woods's neighbors said both Tiger's mother and his mother-in-law were in the house when he crashed. It won't happen again. The NFL has agreed to air games next Thanksgiving until two in the morning to keep relatives from talking to each other.

The White House refused Thursday to let Social Secretary Desiree Rogers testify to Congress about the state dinner crashers, citing executive privilege. It raised eyebrows. Traditionally executive privilege means you get to cheat on your wife with as many blondes as you can sneak into the White House without losing a golf club.

President Obama sent more troops to Afghanistan thinking al-Qaeda is wintering in the Himalayas. To set up an al-Qaeda hideout, all you need is a studio apartment. If we want to stop al-Qaeda we need to pull out of Afghanistan and invade Studio City.

Alabama newspapers said Thursday a woman who legally changed her name to Jesus Christ was tossed off a jury for being disruptive. It was obviously not her real name. First of all she's a woman and second she didn't look anything like Bear Bryant.

The Interior Department allowed people to hunt prairie dogs again now that the population of ground squirrels has rebounded. It's the same policy the Fed uses to set interest rates. As soon as things start to get better they shoot you in the head.

Michelle Obama unveiled the White House Christmas decorations on Thursday. The decorations include a recycled cardboard wish tree for visitors to wish upon when they walk into the East Wing. It's so authentic the homeless guy's still living in it.

Donald Trump urged President Obama Thursday to force U.S. banks to start loaning money again. Things are dire. The construction industry is so slow that Mexicans have gone home and now Lou Dobbs is calling for a crackdown on migrants from Oklahoma.

The U.S. Senate continued its fierce debate on the health care bill Thursday. They passed an amendment which would require insurance companies to cover women's health screenings, regardless of government recommendations. Democrats think that if the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing, there's no witness to the groping.

President Obama caught fury from Democrats Thursday over his Afghanistan policy and from Republicans on health care. He's plummeting in the polls on the left and right. In only ten months Barack Obama has surpassed the Bay of Pigs on the list of the biggest mistakes the country's ever made and Vietnam's starting to hear footsteps.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre's game was moved to NBC's prime time Sunday due to the huge TV ratings he's been getting lately. Americans love seeing the emotional, gunslinging Southerner fire away, not caring what happens. This Bush nostalgia craze is the hottest thing since the Beatles.

Tiger Woods apologized for his transgressions Tuesday as proof of his adultery surfaced. He cheated on his wife with a mistress then he cheated on his mistress with a waitress. Premier Silvio Berlusconi just awarded him Italy's Medal of Freedom.

Tiger Woods came clean about his adultery Tuesday when sordid and sleazy voicemails he left for his mistress were aired. It had to be a humbling moment for the greatest golfer ever. For all his titles and all his victories, sex remains undefeated.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest admitted he drank Hennessy cognac in the locker room at halftime when he was a Chicago Bull. No one noticed when he was a Houston Rocket. When oil was one hundred forty dollars a barrel everybody in Houston was swigging from bottles.

Christie's will auction a letter George Washington wrote urging passage of the U.S. Constitution. It set strict limits on the federal government's powers. Democrats say the release of this letter was timed to poison the debate on national health care.

Marilyn Monroe was revealed in a fifty-year-old home movie Wednesday in which she smokes pot and giggles. What a find. If Marilyn Monroe is used in commercials for medical marijuana she may pass Elvis on the list of dead celebrity income earners.

The NFL was reported Tuesday considering expanding the NFL season from sixteen to eighteen games per year. People are concerned about the idea. It set off a lot of alarm bells, but that was just all the quarterbacks with concussions hearing things.

President Obama sent more U.S. troops to Afghanistan Tuesday. We're only staying for as long as it takes to bring peace to the region. President Obama only said eighteen months because non-divine minds can't conceive the length of these time periods.

President Obama said he's sending the thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan to protect national security. It's a bad time of year to send them. Those troops are needed here at home to check the White House guest list for Christmas party crashers.

West Point cadets nodded off during President Obama's speech Tuesday. They had been seated four hours ahead of the speech and they'd been up since dawn. It was such torture that three cadets broke down and confessed to adultery during the speech.

Goldman Sachs bankers showed up at New York City Hall Wednesday to apply for gun permits to protect themselves during year-end bonus time. Imagine their paranoia. The richer they get, the more those guys who park their cars look like Somali pirates.

New Yorkers are planning a huge rally Saturday to protest putting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in Manhattan. It's a lure to get al-Qaeda to surrender. We know the terrorists love flying to New York even if they've never safely landed there.

Iran released five British yachtsmen who had sailed into Iranian waters during a yacht race. The gulf could explode any day now. The reason the world hates the Anglo-Saxons is because we look at a war zone and see a perfect venue for a yacht race.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Brett Favre's game was moved to NBC's prime time Sunday due to the huge TV ratings he's been getting lately. Americans love seeing the emotional, gunslinging Southerner fire away, not caring what happens. This Bush nostalgia craze is the hottest thing since the Beatles.

Tiger Woods apologized for his transgressions Tuesday as proof of his adultery surfaced. He cheated on his wife with a mistress then he cheated on his mistress with a waitress. Premier Silvio Berlusconi just awarded him Italy's Medal of Freedom.

Tiger Woods came clean about his adultery Tuesday when sordid and sleazy voicemails he left for his mistress were aired. It had to be a humbling moment for the greatest golfer ever. For all his titles and all his victories, sex remains undefeated.

Los Angeles Laker Ron Artest admitted he drank Hennessy cognac in the locker room at halftime when he was a Chicago Bull. No one noticed when he was a Houston Rocket. When oil was one hundred forty dollars a barrel everybody in Houston was swigging from bottles.

Christie's will auction a letter George Washington wrote urging passage of the U.S. Constitution. It set strict limits on the federal government's powers. Democrats say the release of this letter was timed to poison the debate on national health care.

Marilyn Monroe was revealed in a fifty-year-old home movie Wednesday in which she smokes pot and giggles. What a find. If Marilyn Monroe is used in commercials for medical marijuana she may pass Elvis on the list of dead celebrity income earners.

The NFL was reported Tuesday considering expanding the NFL season from sixteen to eighteen games per year. People are concerned about the idea. It set off a lot of alarm bells, but that was just all the quarterbacks with concussions hearing things.

President Obama sent more U.S. troops to Afghanistan Tuesday. We're only staying for as long as it takes to bring peace to the region. President Obama only said eighteen months because non-divine minds can't conceive the length of these time periods.

President Obama said he's sending the thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan to protect national security. It's a bad time of year to send them. Those troops are needed here at home to check the White House guest list for Christmas party crashers.

West Point cadets nodded off during President Obama's speech Tuesday. They had been seated four hours ahead of the speech and they'd been up since dawn. It was such torture that three cadets broke down and confessed to adultery during the speech.

Goldman Sachs bankers showed up at New York City Hall Wednesday to apply for gun permits to protect themselves during year-end bonus time. Imagine their paranoia. The richer they get, the more those guys who park their cars look like Somali pirates.

New Yorkers are planning a huge rally Saturday to protest putting Khalid Sheikh Mohammed on trial in Manhattan. It's a lure to get al-Qaeda to surrender. We know the terrorists love flying to New York even if they've never safely landed there.

Iran released five British yachtsmen who had sailed into Iranian waters during a yacht race. The gulf could explode any day now. The reason the world hates the Anglo-Saxons is because we look at a war zone and see a perfect venue for a yacht race.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Vanity Fair ran a poll saying Jack Kennedy's the president most Americans want added to Mt. Rushmore. It shows the inevitability of history. Now we know even if Jack Kennedy hadn't been shot Jackie would have eventually gotten him with a golf club.

President Obama gave a speech Tuesday detailing how he plans to get out of Afghanistan. He pre-empted A Charlie Brown Christmas on ABC. It'll air next week unless it's pre-empted by Tiger Woods's speech detailing how he plans to get out of the house.

Tiger Woods was named as a lover by a Las Vegas waitress Monday. His wife will come out of this fine. By the time this is over Elin will have her name on a new line of golf clubs with the shafts bent exactly in the shape of her husband's profile.

Florida police cited Tiger Woods for careless driving Tuesday, however his wife Elin is not out of trouble for smashing the Escalade window with a golf club. The law's clear. Cadillac is owned by the taxpayers and it's a crime to deface U.S. currency.

White House crasher Michaela Salahi was seen in photos with President Obama at a polo event five years ago, backstage at the inauguration, and at an awards dinner where Obama was honored. Comedians are thrilled. The last time we saw this many photos of the same woman near the president, we got two years of impeachment jokes out of it.

President Obama ordered thirty thousand troops to Afghanistan. It's ten thousand less than conservatives want and thirty thousand more than liberals want. It has to be the first time Rush Limbaugh and Jane Fonda hung out together on a picket line.

Whittier College released a study last month saying testosterone makes men less generous and causes them to be stingy. The study was an irresponsible idea. They gave testosterone to college boys, which is a good way to set off a nuclear accident.

Sarah Palin was chided by reporters Monday for pretending to take a bus on her book tour and actually flying between cities on a private Gulfstream jet. She's still frugal. The rule on the plane is that they have to eat all the geese they kill.

Mike Huckabee led a GOP poll of candidates in a Fox News poll Tuesday. He lost a hundred pounds under medical supervision. His doctor gave him a bottle of pills and told him to spill them on the floor three times a day and pick them up one-by-one.

Lou Dobbs hinted he plans to run for the U.S. Senate seat in New Jersey now held by Bob Menendez. That's not his real plan. Lou Dobbs doesn't intend to run against Bob Menendez, he intends to have him deported and then claim the seat by Divine Right.

President Obama gave a speech Tuesday giving a plan for the Afghan war. He's got a strategy to get us out of this. He's sending troops and he's sending aircraft and he's sending aid, and he's naming the steepest ravine in the country Bush's Fault.

General Motors CEO Fritz Henderson resigned Tuesday under pressure from the board of directors. He will be replaced as head of GM by a former telephone company executive installed by the White House. Whenever the car goes under a bridge the motor will die.

The Catholic Church in Rhode Island banned U.S. Congressman Patrick Kennedy from taking Holy Communion for his pro-choice votes. The churches in Los Angeles are a lot more laid back. We have a drive-in church called Jack-in-the-Pew where you shout your sins into the face of a plastic priest, then pick up a wafer at the second window.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-2-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was shown in a photo with Michaela Salahi at a polo match five years ago. The beautiful blonde somehow got into the state dinner without an invite. Tiger Woods called the president and told him not to leave the golf clubs by the door.

Florida cops investigated the car crash that ended up with Tiger Woods knocked out and his wife holding a golf club over him. They say no alcohol was involved. It's a perfect chance for John Daly to step forward and point out that sobriety kills.

Tiger Woods announced Monday he's canceling his appearance at the charity golf tourney he sponsors in suburban Los Angeles. He explained in a prepared statement that he was injured. You don't need to look at his MRI to see that he pulled a Clinton.

The White House state dinner was crashed by a couple who went past three Secret Service checkpoints unimpeded. It's a lesson for future presidents. Always start your tax increase ten thousand dollars above the salary of your Secret Service agents.

House Committee Chairman Bennie Thompson invited Secret Service agents and the White House gate crashers to testify before the Homeland Security Committee. Presidential security has changed in the last year. They used to look in your eyes to see if you are a threat, now they look down your throat to see if you look contagious.

The Dutch Reformed Church apologized to the Lenape Indians in Manhattan Friday for cheating them and buying Manhattan for twenty-four dollars. The Indians got a pretty good deal. Twenty-four dollars is more equity than there is in New York now.

Iran announced Monday it will build ten more uranium enrichment plants, defying U.N. treaties. They don't think the U.S. will hit them with harsh economic sanctions. They don't realize how much President Obama enjoys bringing economies to a standstill.

Iran and Cuba held war games to rehearse for a U.S. attack Friday. Excitement is building. Every decade the Make-A-Wish Foundation sets up a ramshackle country with a war with the United States so it can get lots of free stuff and a few happy memories.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown told Pakistan to get moving and capture Osama bin Laden Monday, exactly as Hillary Clinton admonished Pakistan last month. President Obama can't believe it. First his state dinner for India is spoiled by publicity hounds and now the Special Relationship with Britain is carrying on behind his back.

The Oklahoma Sooners honored injured Heisman Trophy winner senior Sam Bradford Saturday. He turned down forty million dollars last spring to stay in Norman for his senior year. This gives you some idea of how much fun it is to go to school at OU.

Florida honored Tim Tebow in his final game Saturday. He's a Mormon missionary who's a virgin and writes scripture on his eyeblack. This means that one day he'll go into politics and be defeated for the GOP nomination by a womanizing fighter pilot.

Rhode Island's bishop banned Patrick Kennedy from communion for his pro-choice votes. The congressman's fed up. Whether it's a religious test or a breathalyzer test, someone's always trying to cut off Patrick Kennedy's wine intake when he fails it.

The Saddam Channel began airing across the Arab world Friday showing clips of his speeches and footage of his family life over thirty years. He was placed in power by the CIA, toppled by the Bush family and then hanged. If American reality shows were this tough to get on, there would be fewer of them and they would be better.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 12-1-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama was shown in photos Friday smiling with the couple who crashed his state dinner. The photos showed the husband, the wife and the president. If it's a crime to talk your way into the White House without a background check, all three of them could face charges.

Washington D.C. socialites Tareq and Michaela Salahi got past the Secret Service to crash the White House state dinner last week. The polo player and the blonde just had a yacht, an Aston Martin and an Audi repossessed. So when they showed up at the pedestrian gate it was perfectly plausible.

Joe Biden flashed a big smile in pictures with the couple who crashed Tuesday's state banquet as part of their audition for a reality show. Joe was glad to pose with them. If he can help get them cast in that reality show, he gets credit for creating his first two jobs.

The global climate conference meets in Copenhagen this week to propose national controls on industry and people to battle global warming. It's a phantom issue. Last night it was so cold in Florida that Tiger Woods' wife was sticking to her story.

Tiger Woods hit a fire hydrant and a tree while backing out of his driveway in his Escalade. Scrutiny was intense. Johnny Miller said considering the narrowness of the driveway and the placement of the fire hydrant, he should have gone with the Buick.

Tiger Woods was found by cops Thursday lying on the street bleeding with his Swedish blonde wife standing over him with a six-iron. How chilling. It made people wonder for the first time in fifteen years if it's possible that O.J. killed Nicole in self-defense.

Notre Dame considered firing Charlie Weis Tuesday to give the football program a fresh start. Their high standards limit recruiting. Congressman Patrick Kennedy went to the last home game in South Bend and the bishop refused him hot dogs and soda.

Donny Osmond was named the winner of ABC's Dancing with the Stars. He's been wowing television viewers since he was a child star with his brothers. It just shows what Michael Jackson might have achieved had he observed the dosing instructions.

President Obama will announce his Afghanistan strategy tonight at West Point. It's amazing how fast his popularity's dropped. George W. Bush was in office seven years before he had to announce things at military bases to make sure he got applause.

President Obama pardoned a turkey at the White House Wednesday. He pardoned one turkey, then pardoned a second turkey in case the first one can't fulfill his duties at Disneyland. You never know when nude photos of the turkey might show up on the Internet.

New Zealand warned ships Wednesday that gigantic icebergs have just broken off from Antarctica due to much warmer weather. Species are desperate to survive. The penguin mating ritual on the South Pole now includes insincere chitchat in the hot tub.

Roman Polanski stalled his extradition to California for having sex and doing drugs with a teenage girl in L.A. in the Seventies. She was off school that day. Whenever Roman Polanski entertained at Jack Nicholson's house, it was a snow day.

President Obama caused eyes to roll while toasting India's Prime Minister last week. He praised India for being worthy of the honor of his first state dinner. We have a president who gazes up at the heavens and thinks of it as his MySpace page.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio