Argus Hamilton's column for 8-31-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

American Family Radio hired ESPN's Mike Gottlieb to host Christian radio's first sports show. ESPN guys do nothing but tease the next segment. Listeners might get annoyed when he keeps saying that Jesus is coming, right after this important message.

Michael Vick played well in his first game as a Philadelphia Eagle Thursday. He's paid his debt to society and he's made arrangements to pay off his creditors. It's the first time in history that two years in prison turned somebody into a Republican.

Michael Jackson was ruled to have died of acute intoxication Friday. He was on six powerful tranquilizers and a hospital anesthetic when he died. He didn't need to compete at that level, he was already a shoo-in for the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger declared a state of emergency in California due to wildfires Friday. It makes a lot of things possible. A state of emergency in Los Angeles means that everybody with a screenplay gets a meeting with a studio executive.

President Obama received a lot of golf swing advice from club pros at Martha's Vineyard Friday. He's very wild off the tee. The island has four golf courses and President Obama never knows which one he's going to play until he hits his first drive.

President Obama promised Thursday not to mention health care reform during Ted Kennedy's funeral eulogy. How very wise. If Barack Obama can pull off the trick of not being associated with the Obama Administration it could save his political career.

Teddy Kennedy's extended family gathered in Hyannis Port Friday at the Kennedy compound. Followers waited outside. When a puff of white smoke came out of the chimney it meant the College of Kennedys had elected Hugh Hefner their new patriarch.

Ted Kennedy's friends laughingly recalled Friday the time N.Y. Daily News photographers caught him making love to a woman on a boat on the Riviera. The opposition loved it. Republicans saw the photos and thought he'd changed his position on offshore drilling.

Teddy Kennedy's biographer Ed Klein added a weird touch to the eulogies Friday when he revealed that Ted loved Chappaquiddick jokes. It's why comics loved Teddy. He promised Mary Jo Kopechne a second date but it's taken him this long to call.

The Tea Party Express began a nationwide tour on Friday in an effort to muster public support for conservative issues. They're going city to city protesting big government and high taxes. Three times already they've been mistaken for the PGA Tour.

Senator Jay Rockefeller proposed a bill Friday giving the president the power to seize control of private computer networks during a cyber-security emergency. The bill is a reaction to all those recent denial-of-service attacks. This means the president can declare an emergency anytime someone has to wait for a table at Denny's.

The White House took over the interrogation of terrorist suspects Tuesday after allegations of CIA torture. Torturing people is bad for the national soul. It's also very embarrassing for the torturer, especially on Take Your Daughter to Work Day.

Englewood Mayor Michael Wildes tried Friday to block Moammar Khadaffi from staying at the Libyan mission in his town in New Jersey. He said Khadaffi's tent in the front yard would be a building code violation. Tents haven't been seen in New Jersey since the Mafia tried to get gambling licenses by showing that they have Indian blood.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-30-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Somali pirates opened fire on a Navy helicopter off Africa Friday. The pirates are targeted by the White House. They ransom ships, spend all the money on hookers and cocaine and worst of all, when they get sick they simply go to the emergency room.

Louisville police released a video of Coach Rick Pitino's accused extortioner Tuesday describing in a police interview their tryst on a restaurant table top. He's in real trouble. Now everyone in Kentucky can see he didn't say grace beforehand.

Michael Vick emerged from bankruptcy Thursday after a judge approved a plan to pay off his debts. He was ordered to hire a financial planner to handle his money. Bernie Madoff has been wondering what kind of prison job they were going to give him.

Ted Kennedy was eulogized Wednesday as a man who cared for the poor and who stayed optimistic. It's an old party trait. A Democrat sees the glass of water as half full, while a Republican looks at the same glass and wonders who drank half his water.

Teddy Kennedy's name became a war cry for government-run health care Friday by Democrats. His father was one of America's greatest capitalists. Ted was buried at Arlington instead of in the family plot to keep him away from his dad as long as possible.

Massachusetts Republicans were reported Thursday recruiting former Red Sox ace Curt Schilling to run for Ted Kennedy's Senate seat. Republicans think he'll be a great team player. Only Barney Frank has showered with more men than Curt Schilling.

Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill had a noisy town hall meeting Wednesday. The heckling actually started during the opening prayer. Every time she answered a question on health care reform she was stunned that they were still booing the prayer.

Democratic U.S. Senator Blanche Lincoln of Arkansas was reported Friday in danger of being challenged by a conservative Democrat next year. It's a one-party state. People in Arkansas would vote for the Devil if he were a Democrat, unless it was the primary.

The FTC announced a nationwide ban Thursday on robocalls to homes, beginning this week. The recorded calls have become a major annoyance. From now on college students who call home will have to stay on the line and ask for the money personally.

Attorney General Eric Holder announced plans to investigate CIA employees for torturing detainees. They're leaving the agency in droves. One interrogator signed with Dick Clark Productions to host a game show called the Twenty Thousand Dollar Naked Pyramid.

Don Imus was reported Thursday ready to sign a deal to bring his morning radio show to the Fox Business Channel. The idea has tremendous possibilities. If Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson can be lured into monitoring Don Imus on Fox Business News Channel every day, it could brainwash them into becoming capitalists and save America.

The Weather Channel aired pictures of wildfires around Los Angeles Thursday when the hot and dry Santa Ana winds arrived off the Imperial Desert. The Spanish explorers believed these winds cause temporary insanity. How else to explain the rebound in real estate?

Budweiser was rebuked Wednesday for decorating Budweiser cans in local college football colors. They said it encouraged campus binge drinking. Decades ago Budweiser began making their cans in the colors of crimson and cream, trusting that sales to Alabama fans and Oklahoma fans and the Soviet Army would always guarantee a profit.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-28-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Philadelphia Eagles are selling a dog jersey with Michael Vick's number and name. It's for owners who think it's funny for dogs to wear a dog killer's jersey. In another sign of the public mood, Dick Cheney's approval rating doubled this month.

The White House took the responsibility for interrogating terrorists away from the CIA Monday to ensure there's no torture. From now on, there's no holding terrorists underwater until they talk or die. It's just too traumatic for everybody else in the pool.

Ted Kennedy's death Tuesday set off speculation over which Democrat will chair the Senate Health Committee. No one's volunteering. Whoever takes the post must be eager to push health care reform and so far the bill has killed everyone it's touched.

President Obama played golf with a few friends at Martha's Vineyard Monday and Tuesday on his vacation. It's good for him. A president carries the weight of the world on his shoulders, or the Dallas Cowboys new videoboard, whichever one's heavier.

The NFL renewed its sponsorship of the Big Brothers of America on Monday. Role models make a difference. Michael Jackson used to sit alone and watch Elvis Presley movies while high on painkillers and Xanax, because that's the way Elvis would have wanted it.

Michael Jackson's death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles County coroner on Monday. It seems fitting that his death was every bit as weird as his life. He is survived by his parents, three children, four brothers, three sisters, six noses, a chimpanzee and five non-disclosure agreements.

Major League ballplayers won a federal court ruling Wednesday that they were illegally outed for using steroids. The consequences were foreseeable. Ten years ago Cheech and Chong got sober, after which none of their jokes made it past the third row.

Moammar Khadaffi made plans Tuesday to stay in New Jersey next month at Libya's U.N. embassy house, where he'll sleep on the lawn in a tent. The locals are up in arms. If one of those Predator drones misses and hits a Mafia house, it could set off a war.

The White House announced that Federal Reserve Board Chairman Ben Bernanke has been reappointed to a new seven-year term. There was no way they were going to fire him. If one more person applied for unemployment, the rate would hit ten percent.

The Greek Orthodox Church in Bulgaria asked for a boycott of Madonna's concert in Sofia this weekend. They accuse her of blasphemy. She's a believer in Kaballah, which is a religion for celebrities whose publicists won't let them be Scientologists.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was asked by his lieutenant governor Tuesday to resign his office. It was a wrenching decision. Under South Carolina state law, should the governor leave office, the lieutenant governor becomes the American Gigolo.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger held an auction of state-seized cars Monday and autographed the visors to help sell them. His feelings were hurt when they only sold one vehicle. If people want to buy a car from a politician they'll buy a Buick from President Obama.

The Democratic Party organized five hundred public events between now and next week to muster support for government-run health care. Polls for it are collapsing. Ten years ago people thought nothing could repair the reputation of HMOs, but then some marketing genius had the bright idea of getting Barack Obama elected president.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-27-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The Emirate of Dubai announced Tuesday that it's had to call off plans to build a theme park twice the size of Disney World. There were safety concerns. We've all learned from hard experience that it starts with Ferris wheels and ends with propofol.

Jessica Simpson reportedly got a witch to cast a spell Monday on Dallas Cowboy Tony Romo for dumping her. He's stressed out about it. Anybody would be, going to work each day with a curse and the world's largest video screen hanging over your head.

Westwood Cemetery allowed the auction of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe's crypt on eBay Monday for five million dollars. Now that's a star. Jack Kennedy will go down in American history as the last man who got to rest on top of Marilyn Monroe for free.

Elizabeth Edwards opened a furniture store in Chapel Hill Saturday. Her cheating husband John was seen carrying furniture into the store. As a man who slept on all those couches, he can tell the customers personally which ones are the most comfortable.

Hawaiians rallied in Honolulu Tuesday demanding independence from the U.S. They say the annexation of Hawaii was an act of U.S. and British imperialism which must be avenged. Maybe now everyone will believe that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.

Fidel Castro defended President Obama Monday saying he's hampered by right-wing and racist extremists. He has a secret motive. It's customary to be nice to the guy in the next stall when you're about to ask him if you can borrow some toilet paper.

The White House urged Americans to get vaccinated for swine flu. That's on top of their warnings on global warming, recession and deficits. We're going to have so many track marks from vaccinations, Michael Jackson will be the father of our country.

Michael Jackson's death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles coroner's office Monday. He was on Atavan, Valium, Paxil, Demerol and the hospital anesthetic propofol. He was killed by a bullet fired two years ago but it was July before he felt anything.

Michael Jackson's drug intake was detailed in the coroner's report Monday. The drugs he took gradually stopped working and he needed more and more of them. Al Sharpton was right when he said the message of Jackson's life was increased tolerance.

NASA astronaut Jose Hernandez was invited to Mexico Monday by President Felipe Calderone. He was born in the U.S. to illegal aliens. The president wants to inspire young Mexicans to leave Mexico and stop costing the country a fortune in health care.

Iraq war protester Cindy Sheehan flew to Martha's Vineyard to protest the war in Afghanistan. She used to spend August in Texas and now she's on Martha's Vineyard. She's the only American who's improved her circumstances since the stock market crashed.

The U.S. Postal Service announced plans on Tuesday to fire thirty thousand postal workers. Who says the White House doesn't have a plan to protect this country? The idea is to make America so violent that no terrorist in his right mind would come here.

The White House infuriated CIA officials Tuesday by creating its own terrorist interrogation unit. The new unit will not be allowed to waterboard, threaten or humiliate terrorist detainees. The thinking is, maybe they'll tell us who trained them and where they were planning to strike next if we pay them forty-five hundred dollars for their old cars.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-26-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Hurricane Bill spun up the east coast Sunday, pounding the coast with huge waves from Virginia to Maine. It didn't matter. Up in Kennebunkport, the Bush family vowed that no amount of water will make them talk.

The White House created a unit to interrogate terror detainees Monday instead of the CIA. They won't be allowed to torture, waterboard, or humiliate them. The Republicans are just outraged, that's a violation of the vice president's prerogative.

Scotland was targeted for a boycott of Scottish goods for releasing the Pan Am bomber. This'll go nowhere. If you thought Republicans were adamant against health care reform wait until you see how they react to a proposed boycott of Scotch and golf.

The White House was reported Monday pushing for all boys born in America to be circumcised. No one was surprised. It only stands to reason that after running up a nine trillion dollar deficit the only cuts they'd propose would be on foreskins.

The White House said Monday there will be no more Social Security cost-of-living increases. They've been promising they weren't going to pull the plug on Grandma. They didn't tell us they were going to let the electricity get turned off and let nature take its course.

President Obama played golf with a Swiss bank president and a U.S. congressman Monday at Martha's Vineyard. He was taking a big chance. Normally politicians and bankers only play golf in twosomes because it takes three people to prove a conspiracy.

Santa Barbara drivers watched in astonishment Sunday when a small airplane had to make an emergency landing on a local highway. There were just minor injuries. The aircraft crushed a VW Golf and totaled a Honda, then smashed to pieces when it hit a clunker.

Discovery Magazine reported Monday that a scientist says he's only four months from creating artificial life. It's been tried for years. Every body part has been replicated and reassembled and the best that science could come up with was Joan Rivers.

Orange County police ID'd a murdered swimsuit model Friday by the serial numbers on her breast implants. Nobody knew they were there. From now on if you ask a girl in an L.A. bar for her number, bring a bright light so she can read it through her skin.

ABC's Dancing with the Stars chose GOP former House Leader Tom DeLay to compete in this fall's celebrity ballroom dancing contest. It's a nice change. Tom DeLay is used to being judged, but this time it is for dancing and not for criminal charges.

Alec Baldwin said Monday he may run against Joe Lieberman for the U.S. Senate. The senator left the Democratic Party three years ago. He saw the party's collapse coming so early that short sellers on Wall Street now call him every day for tips.

Mexico's government on Friday decriminalized possession of user amounts of heroin and pot and cocaine. Reaction was swift. The Cincinnati Bengals announced that next season they will play four exhibition games and all eight home games in Acapulco.

The Minnesota Vikings said Monday that Brett Favre merchandise and Brett Favre jerseys were selling all over the upper Midwest. It marked the end of one era and the beginning of a new one. Until now everybody's favorite purple dinosaur was Barney.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-25-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

President Obama didn't record a congratulatory greeting for the Dallas Cowboys Stadium opening Friday in Dallas. How wise. The stadium has the world's largest TV hanging over the field, and there isn't a Secret Service agent who can jump that high.

Brett Favre got off to a rocky start with the Minnesota Vikings, completing one pass for four yards Friday. It's no problem for the Vikings. Under Brett Favre's contract, he gets his own trainer, he gets his own publicist, and he gets Sundays off.

Mexico decriminalized possession of marijuana, cocaine and heroin Friday. They say it's to keep drug users from being extorted by corrupt police. The question of exactly where seventy million Baby Boomers are going to retire has just been answered.

Michigan citizens protested the idea of moving Guantanamo terrorist detainees to Standish prison in Michigan last week. The people are not interested in hearing about all the jobs that would be created. Nobody wants a job rebuilding office towers.

Michael Jackson's interment at a Forest Lawn mausoleum today was delayed. What a circus. Michael Jackson touched millions worldwide, but the exact number will never be known due to the non-disclosure agreements between Jackson and his victims.

Martha's Vineyard residents greeted President Obama upon his arrival Sunday. He gives the same speech wherever he lands. He apologized to the people of Martha for all the fertilizer that's been thrown on them over the years by Vineyard-Americans.

President Obama arrived at Martha's Vineyard Sunday with his family and Bo the Portuguese Water Dog. The dog is justifiably angry. During dinner Bo is not allowed to beg at the table but the guy from Chrysler shows up and he gets ten billion dollars.

President Obama was rumored Friday to be playing golf with Tiger Woods today in Martha's Vineyard. They've played before. Tiger Woods asked the president for his handicap and the president said that those leftist bloggers won't leave him alone.

Dick Cheney didn't comment Friday on his role in the CIA's hiring of Blackwater Security mercenaries to hunt down Osama bin Laden in Pakistan. He just signed a two million dollar deal to write his memoirs. Not surprisingly it's a no-bid contract.

Homeland Security founder Tom Ridge accused Don Rumsfeld Thursday of trying to politicize terror alerts, one week after the nation learned about the fights between Bush and Cheney. The reason we invaded the wrong country is now clear. With everybody in the Bush administration pointing fingers, somebody must have followed the wrong one.

Chelsea Clinton was rumored Saturday to be getting married at Martha's Vineyard to beau Marc Mezvinsky. His father's career in politics ended when he was shown to be crooked. So it's true what they say about women, they really do marry their fathers.

Hillary Clinton wrote an editorial for People magazine Saturday. She vowed to banish sexual violence from Congo. The reason the porn industry is in such a slump in Los Angeles is that the best paying jobs have been outsourced to third world countries.

Goldman Sachs hired a publicist to handle backlash against bonus payouts. They paid back the government the ten billion they took in bailout money, and now they're paying their employees eleven billion in bonuses. It was act of genius when they shed the title of investment bankers and got approval to become an autoworkers union.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-24-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Scotland released the Libyan who bombed a Pan Am flight Thursday. He was dying of prostate cancer so they let him go. The next day Charles Manson walked through San Quentin Prison with a rubber glove in his hand trying to get someone to check him.

Scotland released the airline bomber over White House protest Thursday because he has cancer. They wouldn't extradite him to the U.S. Because of the terrorist's advanced age, he never would've survived the death panel if health care reform passes.

The NFL issued stadium drinking rules Friday limiting fans to two twenty-ounce beers, or two six-ounce glasses of wine, or two shots of hard liquor. This is outrageous. Health care reform hasn't even been passed yet and already it's led to rationing.

The Treasury Department said Friday ninety percent of all U.S. currency has cocaine on the bills. What an eye-opener. It came as a surprise to Americans that even if they don't travel very much, their cash has been to Colombia and back three times.

Hawaii protesters demanded independence from the U.S. Monday, claiming they were victims of imperialism. It's trouble. By the time President Obama gets back from his vacation he could be retroactively ineligible to be president of the United States.

President Obama issued a video Friday wishing the Muslim world a happy Ramadan holiday. It's a tricky task for this president. Nobody minded when President Bush sent Ramadan greetings to the Muslim world because everybody knew he was just being condescending.

President Obama flew to Martha's Vineyard for one week Sunday. It's a vacation retreat off the coast of Massachusetts. He had the Secret Service unlock the door of the rental house just to make sure none of the neighbors called the cops to report a break-in.

Senator Tom Coburn told a town hall Friday he will do all he can to defeat the health care reform bill. He's a physician in Muskogee. He refuses to wait six months to be paid reimbursements by the government--he's a doctor, not a car dealer.

The Cash for Clunkers program ends tonight with GM and Ford reporting huge car sales, plus thousands of old cars have been scrapped. The program was a success. In just two weeks it has taken more guzzlers off the road than court-ordered AA meetings.

The Weather Channel showed satellite images of Hurricane Bill in the Atlantic Friday heading toward Bermuda. Democrats should stop worrying that Obama's power is declining. He's still got enough juice to make the hurricanes hit the tax shelters.

Hillary and Bill Clinton flew to Bermuda for vacation Friday as Hurricane Bill loomed. They were able to pack light when they saw a hurricane was bearing down on the island. Usually when they go on vacation together they bring their own turbulence.

Master of War by Suzanne Simons was just released about Blackwater Security founder Erik Prince. His mercenaries were accused of brutalizing Iraqis. He's one of only four men ordered to leave Iraq, the other three being Saddam Hussein and his two sons.

The White House canceled a Bush-era CIA program to hire Blackwater mercenaries to hunt for Osama bin Laden Thursday, then leaked that Blackwater CEO Erik Prince made seven hundred million dollars last year. The guy is underpaid. How much would you charge to take the heat for the U.S. government and keep Dick Cheney out of the Hague?


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-23-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Scotland released the terrorist convicted of the Pan Am bombing Thursday because he has prostate cancer. He flew home to Libya to die. It's a shame because we've got cruise missiles that could have gone in there and gotten the cancer.

Brett Favre signed a huge deal with the Minnesota Vikings Monday. He announced he was retiring and then an aide whispered in his ear, then he announced he was coming back. He is just one concussion shy of being as entertaining as Terry Bradshaw.

South Africa sprinter Caster Semenya was ordered to take a gender test to make sure she's a woman. The test is easy. We hand her over to North Korea and send Bill Clinton to get her out, and if he comes back empty-handed we know his heart wasn't in it.

Michael Jackson will be laid to rest next week in a mausoleum next to Red Skelton, W.C. Fields and Errol Flynn. It's a reminder. We got out of the last depression with a Cash for Drunkards program, stimulating the economy by replacing all the cars they crashed.

Cash for Clunkers was ended Thursday with dealers yelling for their federal rebate money. One car dealer's really worried they're going to stiff him. To make sure he gets his money back, he's going to change the name of his dealership to Goldman Sachs.

The White House canceled a Blackwater Security contract to assassinate al-Qaeda kingpins. The deal was rejected on principle. The program paid a private company to assassinate people, and the Obama administration doesn't believe in private companies.

Saran Palin was reported Thursday to be moving from Alaska to Rhode Island by newspapers in Anchorage and Providence. That makes it perfect. Last year Sarah Palin was an Anchorage to McCain's campaign and an act of Providence for stand-up comedians.

Baghdad was hit by explosions Tuesday which failed to shake the democratically elected and multi-party Iraqi government. Six years ago the U.S. was a democracy and Iraq was a one-party dictatorship. This isn't a war, it's a remake of Trading Places.

Egyptian leader Hosni Mubarak praised Barack Obama Tuesday for his outreach to the Muslim world. What else can the president do? America's port security and border security and air security are so shoddy we have no choice but to be nice to everybody.

President Obama held a teleconference call with the nation's religious leaders on Wednesday. The president closed his eyes and winced waiting for the preachers to start screaming and denouncing America, but it never happened. He's still detoxing.

Santa Barbara firefighters said Thursday that last week's huge brushfires were accidentally started by Mexican pot growers who operated on the steep hillsides. The growers irrigated the marijuana crops by diverting a stream above. Californians are outraged that they're getting free water while the rest of the state is on rationing.

The Centers for Disease Control said Thursday that the average American's life lasts seventy-eight years. It's not the longest lifespan. The average person in Japan lives to the age of eighty-three, if you call driving forty miles an hour living.

The Andy Warhol Museum archivist found a nude photo of Jackie Kennedy Thursday while burrowing through boxes. It's autographed by her to the artist. Posing nude for artists is what celebrities had to do for publicity before there was keyhole video.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-21-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

The Minnesota Vikings handed Brett Favre a two-year, twenty-five million dollar deal Tuesday. He said he's old and his arm isn't what it once was. The deal makes no sense football-wise but it's a winner if you factor in the Cash for Clunkers rebate.

President Obama talked with clergy Wednesday to push for health care reform. They had bad news for the president and his plan. Telling Americans that you're sending Grandma to be with Jesus is not going to sell any better than pulling the plug on her.

South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford told Vogue Monday her husband's affair with a mistress is an addiction like alcohol and pornography. The governor is at the end of his rope. He'd just like a little credit for not having a gambling problem.

Michael Jackson's casket was assigned Wednesday to the Holly Terrace mausoleum at Forest Lawn. He will rest next to Red Skelton, Clark Gable and W.C. Fields. One of the greatest honors of his life was to be voted into the Substance Abusers Hall of Fame.

Dancing with the Stars contestant Tom DeLay's website said Monday he was a disco hound dog in the Seventies. His nickname was Hot Tub Tommy. History shows that Billy Graham got George W. Bush to turn his life around after he gave up on Tom DeLay.

Michael Phelps admitted he drank beer before his car wreck in Baltimore Friday, and now even though he wasn't drunk and the accident wasn't his fault, he's in hot water. The forces of the universe are conspiring against him. It's the Big Bong Theory.

Radisson Hotels announced Wednesday its computers were accessed by hackers over the last nine months. All credit card numbers used at the luxury hotels were stolen. The good news is, the towels are so thick you can sleep in the park on them for years.

Bill Clinton met with President Obama about his North Korean trip Tuesday. It was the first in-person meeting between them. They've often bumped into each other in the men's room but this is the first time they've ever had a chance to shake hands.

The U.S. Forest Service announced a plan Tuesday to plant eighteen million acres of new trees across the United States. At the rate the government's printing money they need the wood pulp. This is not so much a forest project as it is a currency farm.

CBS News producer Don Hewitt died at age eighty-six Wednesday. He invented the concept of televised presidential debates during the Kennedy-Nixon race. If Richard Nixon had listened to Hewitt's advice to wear make-up before his debate with Jack Kennedy, the metrosexual vote in Chicago might have been enough to put him over the top.

Barney Frank confronted a woman at a town hall who waved a poster of President Obama wearing a Hitler mustache. She went too far. Adolf Hitler and Barack Obama have nothing in common, other than the fact that they both want us all in Volkswagens.

House Chairman Henry Waxman demanded to see the personal financial records of every health insurance executive. It's to intimidate them into keeping silent in the health care debate. While Henry Waxman was home in L.A. he went to Dodger Stadium, where following the National Anthem he walked to the mound and threw out the First Amendment.

President Obama's approval rating fell for the third straight month Wednesday in the NBC poll over health care. It's no secret why. The nation was founded on British Whig principles of personal liberty, private property, freedom of speech, free enterprise, banking secrecy and control of the world trade routes. Any effort to force an American to pay for someone else's stab wound hasn't read the Pirate's Manual.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-20-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

The White House hedged on the public health insurance option Tuesday, angering liberals. They're sticking to their talking points. When Brett Favre announced he's coming back, they said he's just another rich white guy standing in the way of change.

Brett Favre flew from Mississippi to Minnesota Tuesday to sign to play for the Vikings. He's forty-two and he's coming back for more. The main reason the U.S. has military bases all over the world is because Southerners would rather fight than farm.

Michael Phelps admitted Thursday he had a beer before last week's car wreck in Baltimore. He already had one DUI. Not many know the reason Michael Phelps began swimming is that diving into a cold swimming pool sobers you up before the drive home.

Governor Mark Sanford's wife Jenny said Tuesday her husband is addicted to his Argentine mistress. She said he must decide if he wants to stay married. She said that the ball's in his court, which isn't true, they're in a jar on her dressing table.

House Democrats rebelled against the president on health care Tuesday. Seniors are rebelling, conservatives are rebelling and liberals are rebelling. The Rebel flag knew that if it just sat quietly it would eventually be let out of the dog house.

President Obama spoke in Scottsdale Monday where gun rights advocates protested outside carrying semi-automatic rifles. It's legal to carry machine guns anywhere in Arizona. It's why coyotes go through Colorado to get from New Mexico to California.

Tom DeLay agreed to compete on Dancing with the Stars as a ballroom dancer this fall. He's lightened up since leaving politics. At the rate he's going it won't be long before Tom DeLay is performing same-sex wedding ceremonies in a Las Vegas chapel.

Texas passed a law requiring the teaching of the Bible in public schools. This stuff never works. It's intended to be a serious study of history's greatest book and it'll wind up teaching kids that Bill Clinton was right, oral sex isn't adultery.

Hillary Clinton persuaded the Swiss government to pressure UBS Bank to give up the names of U.S. depositors. She was ordered to go after shady operators who push the envelope of the law. After much soul searching, she decided not to resign over it.

Walter Cronkite will be honored in a tribute at New York City's Lincoln Center in September headlined by Barack Obama and Bill Clinton. The one-upmanship will be something to see. Barack Obama will say that health care reform would have saved his life and then Bill Clinton will use his old magic to bring him back from the dead.

The White House plans to take up immigration reform Thursday. It's the natural conclusion to the bailouts, deficit spending and wrecked economy. You can't be officially certified as a banana republic unless half your population speaks Spanish.

General Motors increased production Tuesday after a huge increase in car sales this month. There was jubilation in the board room when they got the news. The GM chairman is so accustomed to hearing bad news that he shot the messenger out of habit.

Miami hacker Albert Gonzalez was charged Monday with stealing credit card data from one hundred thirty million credit cards. He's very sorry he did it. Now that he's got a hundred and thirty million credit card numbers, the collection calls never stop.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-19-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

South Korea's Y.E. Yang upset Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship Sunday. He was very nervous in front of reporters afterwards. He saw what Americans did to Michael Vick, and if they ever see a Korean cooking show he might never get a sponsor.

South Korea erupted in a wild celebration Sunday when countryman Y.E. Yang upset Tiger Woods to win the PGA Championship at Hazeltine National. His victory made history. It's the first time an Asian has captured a U.S. major since the Tet Offensive.

Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison said Monday she'll run for Texas governor against incumbent governor Rick Perry. It was a financial decision. What you can get for four fifty-yard line seats at the OU-Texas game lets you live like the Emir of Kuwait.

Reader's Digest filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday after eighty-seven years. Their format couldn't compete with the Internet. It's just impossible to condense a best-selling book to meet Twitter's limit of a hundred and forty characters.

Wisconsin researchers advertised for cokeheads Tuesday to study the effects of cocaine on the brain. That's easy. The high makes you feel all-powerful and the crash makes you feel like it might've been a big mistake to try to push health care through by August.

President Obama held cordial town hall meetings on health care reform over the weekend. There was one tense moment. In Montana he promised not to pull the plug on Grandma, prompting Grandpa to call his mistress and tell her that Niagara Falls is off.

President Obama addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention which was held in Phoenix on Monday. He interrupted his vacation to make the speech. He praised all the veterans who defeated fascism and communism, and then he forgave them.

President Obama told the Veterans of Foreign Wars that true love of country is not boisterous or loud. He's angry at the people who oppose the government takeover of health care. The Obama Doctrine states that any limit on federal power is racism.

The White House closed its e-mail account which sent unsolicited e-mails to U.S. voters. They tried to shut down viral e-mails critical of health care reform but it backfired on them. Their plan to kill Rush Limbaugh with an exploding cigar failed too.

President Obama hinted Sunday that the public option may be taken off the table in the health care bill. The left went ballistic. They were so angry at Obama that sixty of them were mistaken for Republicans and beaten to a pulp by Acorn volunteers.

The White House said Monday the administration may back away from a government health care plan and go to a system of private co-ops. The government wouldn't be involved at all. Everyone agrees that President Obama needs to spend more time with his family.

Regis Philbin returns to host ABC's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this week for the show's tenth anniversary on the air. It's not nearly as popular as it once was. That scene at the end where the new millionaire is surrounded by Acorn protesters and ordered to pay back the bonus really takes a lot of the fun out of the fantasy.

ABC's Dancing with the Stars said Monday former GOP leader Tom DeLay will dance on the show this fall. He started out in life as a pest exterminator. In his audition tape Tom DeLay stomped on cockroaches to the tune of Dixie and the producers thought it's the best thing they've seen since Gene Kelly danced with a cartoon mouse.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-18-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The White House called for calmer debate at town hall meetings Friday. All the screaming and violence is riveting to see. The producers of Ultimate Fighting just announced that from now on, each match is going to feature a question-and-answer round.

Michael Vick signed with the Philadelphia Eagles Thursday and assured football fans that he's a changed man. Let the healing begin. President Obama just invited Michael Vick to come to the White House Friday to have a beer with him and a pit bull.

The Philadelphia Eagles defied protesters Thursday by agreeing to sign Michael Vick to a contract, telling reporters he paid his debt to society. That really is the team's policy. They just hired Squeaky Fromme to be their public address announcer.

Rick Pitino admitted he made love to an assistant coach's wife on a restaurant table. She's charged with extorting him. No one knows how this will all play out but the restaurant's just taken its Grand Slam Thank You Ma'am breakfast off the menu.

Woodstock hosted its fortieth anniversary rock concert Saturday in upstate New York. Tens of thousands of the original concert-goers showed up. Halfway through the show the emcee had to warn the crowd not to take any of the brown antacid.

The White House sent unsolicited e-mail pushing health care reform. They won't say where they got the addresses or why they were collecting them. It's probably just a coincidence that everybody opposed to health care reform is on the no-fly list.

The U.S. Capitol web site crashed Friday due to the flood of e-mails over health care reform, so they couldn't read them. There's only so much electrical capacity. Never make these guys choose between reading constituent feedback and air conditioning.

Senator James Webb obtained the release of an American who's been held captive in Burma for eighteen months. The treatment of the prisoner is a major issue. The Red Cross has agreed to check on him in six months to see if he's found a job yet.

White House officials were welcomed in Michigan when they arrived to check out Standish prison as a possible destination for the terror detainees. It sits just outside Greater Detroit. As long as the detainees stay in the prison, they'll be safe.

Senate Democrats dropped the end-of-life counseling provision in their version of the health care reform bill Thursday. How you decide to end your life is a very personal decision. You shouldn't have some government bureaucrat put you in a fuel-efficient car, give you six errands to run and hand you a BlackBerry.

The Library of Congress canceled a lecture by former Abu Ghraib prison guard Lynndie England Saturday. She forced Iraqi prisoners to strip naked and kneel on top of one another in a pyramid formation. She was in Washington doing a little freelance work persuading Blue Dog Democrats to go along with the health care reform bill.

President Obama held a town hall meeting in Colorado on Saturday. He wanted to dispel misconceptions about health care reform. Euthanasia for seniors is a myth, but if that Portuguese Water Dog chews up one more pair of designer shoes, he is gone.

People for the Ethical treatment of Animals sent tons of toilet paper to Cuba Friday to help Cuba with its emergency shortage. The communist nation cannot supply its people's most basic needs. And to think that just last month Castro assured Cuba that government toilet paper will not drive private toilet paper out of business.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-17-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

President Obama pushed health care reform at a town hall in Montana Friday. He demonized insurance companies fifty-five times in one hour. Halfway through the event he displayed an obviously-doctored photo of Osama bin Laden disallowing a claim.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino apologized Wednesday for having sex with the wife of an assistant. They went out to eat at an Italian restaurant and made love on the table. Sometimes the violinist goes home knowing that he really nailed it tonight.

The Philadelphia Eagles stunned fans on Thursday by signing Michael Vick. Most fans think he's paid his price. Last year he was the only American who lost his job, his house and a hundred million dollars without the aid of an investment adviser.

Woodstock hosted its fortieth anniversary concert on Saturday. The original concert symbolized the Sixties. Four hundred thousand hippies celebrated the spirit of peace and love and brotherhood, or as it's known today, the pre-9/11 mentality.

Bill Clinton spoke at a bloggers convention in Pittsburgh Thursday. He said he wants Obama to pass health care reform, but he wouldn't have passed a lie detector test. You know Henry Aaron wasn't really rooting for Barry Bonds to break his record.

Michael Phelps wasn't injured Friday when his Cadillac Escalade was struck by a woman driving a Honda Accord. She's hospitalized. It just shows President Obama that you don't need as much health care if you drive a big, safe, gas-guzzling vehicle.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown settled a lawsuit against Astroturf on Friday. Environmentalists filed suit when they found lead in the artificial turf. That's just the bullet casings from the town hall meetings, it's not Astroturf's fault.

John Edwards privately admitted fathering a baby born to his campaign staffer. He informed reporters he waited until his wife's cancer was in remission before he began the affair. He wants to see how his jokes work down here before he tries them on St. Peter.

Squeaky Fromme was released from prison Friday, thirty years after she tried to shoot President Ford. It's a conspiracy. As soon as Barack Obama's job approval began tanking they released Squeaky Fromme and sent the president out to a state with loose gun laws.

Geico became the fourth TV sponsor to exit the Glenn Beck Show under pressure from a black activist group who's angry at him for criticizing President Obama. The group is called Color of Change. It's an organization that was founded to aid victims of Hurricane Katrina and now they spend all their time flooding people with complaints.

The IOC executive board approved golf and rugby Thursday as new sports for the Summer Games in London. Both sports are great on television. One sport is vicious, brutal, merciless and unforgiving, while the other is England's version of football.

California firefighters were aided Friday by a thick fog that moved into the Santa Cruz Mountains, but new fires broke out north of Santa Barbara. The firefighters are rotated three times a day. That way they don't get too brown on one side.

Russian officials refused calls to tax alcohol on Friday after a health report said Russia is drinking itself to death. A quart of vodka costs just two dollars in Moscow. The only way they can save their economy is to entice Americans into moving there.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-16-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Senator Arlen Specter was mauled at his third town hall in three days Thursday by hundreds of health care reform opponents. He got clobbered again for two hours. Every time he makes it out of the meeting on his feet, Michael Vick gives him a treat.

Tiger Woods called a press conference before the PGA Championship and proposed making golf an Olympic team sport. It could be a sign. America hasn't officially gone to hell in a handbasket until John Daly's photograph is on every box of Wheaties.

Surgeon General Regina Benjamin warned Burger King to lower the amount of salt in their food and to offer a healthier menu. There's a reason they want to get rid of Burger King. It's the Home of the Whopper and the White House wants that title.

Louisville coach Rick Pitino paid for an assistant's wife's abortion after they had sex on a restaurant table. She tried to extort him for millions. Unlike other college coaches who warn players about life in the NBA, Rick Pitino teaches by example.

Joe the Plumber announced Thursday he will try to do stand-up comedy at a club in the nation's capital. He's entering the comedy club's annual Funniest Person in Washington contest. Whoever tells the funniest President Obama joke gets twenty years.

President Obama's job approval ratings fell to forty-seven percent on Thursday in the Rasmussen Poll. It's no secret why he's falling. The Chevrolet dealer in Washington just offered him a forty-five hundred dollar rebate for health care reform.

Hillary Clinton in Africa Thursday likened Nigeria's blood-soaked presidential election to the Florida recount nine years ago. Nigeria used death squads. They roamed the countryside looking for people who'd exceeded their health care allotment.

The White House was reported Thursday considering sending Guantanamo terrorist suspects to a Michigan prison in January. The detainees can't be sent anywhere but to a maximum security prison. The country club prisons only allow Protestants to join.

Exxon Mobil was fined six hundred thousand dollars Thursday for causing migratory birds to die by exposing them to production site chemicals. The oil company only killed eighty-five birds. You'd think they'd get some credit for saving eighty-five airliners.

The Weather Channel aired footage of wildfires in Northern California Thursday which threatened the redwood forest. Three firefighters were overcome by the smoke from burning marijuana plants. They were treated and released at the nearest 7-Eleven.

The White House was accused Thursday of deliberately causing a sugar shortage by maintaining import quotas. Americans pay more for sugar than anybody else in the world. However, if you take Eliot Spitzer out of the average it's really not that bad.

The White House signaled Thursday that President Obama might retreat on health care reform and could possibly drop the public insurance plan. The retreat came just in time. President Obama was about to go to Montana and Colorado for town hall meetings and he did not want to make any unscheduled stop at the Little Big Horn.

The Washington Post said Thursday Dick Cheney will unload on President Bush in his memoir for going too soft against terrorism in the last year. He can only blame himself. While Dick Cheney was looking out the window for terrorists with nuclear weapons the American people were attacked by sub-prime mortgages and by french fries.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-14-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

President Obama tried to sell health care reform at a town hall Tuesday. He is not getting a lot of help from allies. He walked outside thinking he'd made the case for government-run health care when Cuba announced they were out of toilet paper.

Chancellor Angela Merkel's cleavage was displayed on German election posters on Monday. Her female opponent says her own bust is bigger and has more to offer Germany. German boobs don't scare anybody, it's their rocket scientists that did all the damage.

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton took to the dance floor at a welcoming gala in the Congo Tuesday. She danced and swayed in a line with a dozen local women. By coincidence, that's exactly what her husband was doing at that moment in Las Vegas.

Scores gentleman's club in New York's manager Ed Norwick slammed Miley Cyrus's pole dance on TV Monday as age-inappropriate. His strip club is a familiar address. That's because two hundred politicians list it as a second residence for tax purposes.

General Motors unveiled its Chevy Volt in Detroit on Tuesday. They say it only uses forty cents of electricity a night. This isn't a problem until they tell you they are pulling the plug on grandpa so that there is enough electricity to go around.

Tiger Woods held a press conference on the Golf Channel Tuesday to rip the PGA for putting Paddy Harrington on the clock Sunday. Ratings were huge. Only the Golf Channel can guarantee a dispute that won't end with everybody calling each other Nazis.

Michael Vick appears on CBS Sixty Minutes this Sunday in an interview with NFL Today host James Brown. The interview was taped last week in which the quarterback apologized for what he did. He promised he'll never again arrange a town hall meeting.

The White House admitted Wednesday it distributed pro-health care reform signs at President Obama's town hall. The audience applauded his every word. It looked so staged that the actors' union demanded that everyone in the crowd get health insurance.

President Obama will address the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention Monday in Phoenix. He will discuss the United States's responsibility to maintain the world's finest military to defend America from her enemies. He recognizes there are times when you need a faster way of killing people than giving them government health care.

The National Guard was still not deployed at the Mexican border Wednesday due to a dispute over funding. This Congress doesn't believe the Guard should be used to seal the border. They believe they should be used for lightbulb changing enforcement.

White House officials flew to Michigan Wednesday to inspect a prison where they may relocate the terrorist suspects from Guantanamo. Picture the possibilities. A year from now, Michigan license plates will carry the motto, Great Satan's Winter Wonderland.

The U.N. Secretary-General said the people of the world have four months left to save the planet from global warming. Americans laughed it off. This country was stolen from the Indians, introduced tobacco to the world, employed slaves and dropped two atomic bombs on Japan and if that doesn't bother us, why should carbon emissions?

The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers began searching for World War I chemical weapons buried in Washington D.C. The diggers halted work when they found mustard gas in a flask. Even ninety years ago people brought their own refreshments to football games.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-13-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

President Obama touted health care reform Tuesday to a very friendly town hall meeting in New Hampshire. The support looked a little staged. You knew they were an audience of plants when he threw fertilizer on them and all they did was get taller.

General Motors unveiled its new electric Chevy Volt Tuesday which will get two hundred thirty miles per gallon of gas in the city. You can't take those numbers very seriously. The way the country is going downhill the car pretty much just glides.

Variety said Monday the porno industry is in a deep recession. The DVDs aren't selling. No matter how kinky they get, they can't compete with a hundred people at a town hall meeting pinning a congressman to the wall and coming at him with a hot poker.

Reggie Miller was told publicly to stop texting a Malibu man's wife Monday. The Internet lets people cheat from their laptops, their phones, their desks or their car. The only reason anyone in the country gets married at all is for the free dishes.

Hillary Clinton erupted in the Congo when asked what her husband thought about an issue. Her anger is real. She's in the Congo while her husband's in Las Vegas celebrating his birthday by negotiating the release of two young women from their escort service.

The U.S. Forest Service announced that advertising legend Smokey the Bear turned sixty-five years old Monday. That means it's time for him to find another line of work. Medicare will never be solvent if it has to cover skin grafts for burn victims.

The Border Patrol caught two dozen illegal aliens who landed at a La Jolla beach Monday. The migrants all had terrible bite wounds on their shoulders. They'd been told that to blend into the La Jolla crowd they had to wear alligators on their shirts.

Trammo Petroleum admitted buying oil stolen from Mexico by drug cartels Monday. They've started to smuggle oil, guns and immigrants. The cartels make most of their money on cocaine sales, but after the crash last fall they thought it was best to diversify.

California farmers protested a law that cut off their water to save a two-inch fish. They grow lettuce, celery and broccoli. The voters are not going to stand by and let the environmentalists do to supermodels what they did to the auto industry.

Madame Tussauds opened a wax museum in Hollywood which drew thousands of fans last week. The exhibits are incredibly lifelike. One visitor tried to buy crack from Snoop Dogg's statue and was shot and killed by the wax likeness of James Arness.

Russia began a health campaign Monday when alcohol and tobacco abuse were shown to have caused a population decline. It's much needed. A TV news report showed men swimming in the Moscow River while holding a drink and smoking a cigarette, an event they call the triathlon.

Senator Arlen Specter was upbraided by an angry Pennsylvania town hall meeting Tuesday. He backs the health care reform bill. He knew it was going to be a tough crowd when he opened by announcing his cancer is in remission and got booed off the stage.

Democratic Congressman John Dingell likened opponents of health care reform to Ku Klux Klansmen Sunday just days after House Speaker Nancy Pelosi compared health care reform opponents to Nazis. The chaos is sure to get progressively worse. Everyone who's called a Nazi or Klansman has to go to the White House for a free beer.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-12-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

Joan Rivers was subjected to a celebrity roast on Comedy Central Sunday in New York. It was vicious, personal and devastating. When she signed up for President Obama's mandatory end-of-life counseling, she didn't know she was going to get dinner.

Mark Lester, child star of the movie musical Oliver, said Monday he's the biological father of close friend Michael Jackson's children. For the sake of the Jackson Three let's hope they're his kids and not Dr. Klein's. Nobody ever paid a nickel to watch a dermatologist dance.

The London Mirror identified a Florida doctor who began giving Michael Jackson Depo Provera ten years ago. The drug is used to suppress aberrant sexual behavior. If they put it in the water coolers on Capitol Hill, it could save a lot of careers.

South Carolina governor Mark Sanford's wife Jenny moved out of the governor's mansion Monday carrying her bags and hauling armloads of clothes still on hangers. Onlookers cheered. The idea of seceding from the union is picking up steam every day.

President Obama attended a North American summit in Mexico Monday. He addressed illegal immigration. He apologized to Mexico for the U.S. causing the problem by being such a desirable place to live and he's working as hard as he can to turn that around.

General Motors announced Monday that GM plans to sell new cars on the Internet to customers out in California. That's the logical place for the test program to start. California is millions of miles closer to cyberspace than the rest the country.

Hillary Clinton snapped at a Congolese student Monday who asked her what her husband thought about a Chinese loan to Congo. It hasn't dawned on her. One day she'll wake up and realize that nobody's ever lined up in August to tour Priscilla Presley's home.

Nancy Pelosi compared foes of health care reform to Hitler, which prompted Rush Limbaugh to compare Barack Obama to Hitler. They sound like toddlers. Sometimes you just want to pat them both on the head and say if they behave they can both be Hitler.

President Obama flew to the Mexican border city of Guadalajara for a summit on Monday. The city has become a lawless hellhole. The meeting was held in Guadalajara because the Secret Service couldn't guarantee his safety at a town hall meeting in Kansas City.

President Obama told Mexico's leaders Monday that immigration reform will have to wait in line behind health care reform. Good thinking. If he offers free health care at the same time he offers illegal immigrants a path to citizenship, the population explosion will make the miracle of the loaves and fishes look like food hoarding.

The Department of Health reported that the use of anti-depressants by Americans has doubled over the last ten years. The government missed all the signs. When McDonald's began selling Happy Meals for Adults the FDA should have checked the recipe.

The American Association of Retired Persons suffered defections this week over health care reform. Retirees on both sides of the issue are furious. You can see by looking at them that they have been accustomed to affordable drugs since Woodstock.

Mexican drug gangs were reported Monday stealing oil from Mexico pipelines and smuggling the oil across the border. It's easy to smuggle. They melt the oil down to powder form, then dye the powder white, and the border patrol just waves it through.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-11-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit on Thursday when a Nairobi man offered her forty goats and forty cows for Chelsea's hand in marriage. Of course she wouldn't consider it. One more goat in the family is the last thing Hillary needs.

Bill Clinton arrived at the White House Thursday to report on his meeting with North Korea’s Kim Jong-Il. The former president gave a secret report to national security officials. He was debriefed in the Situation Room and not for the first time.

Squeaky Fromme was ordered out of prison this week after thirty-four years. The Charles Manson disciple shot at President Ford. She’s out because the parole board ruled she is the only woman who can replace Paula Abdul on American Idol.

The Cash for Clunkers program was voted more money in the Senate Thursday. The program has no opportunity for fraud. The clunkers will be destroyed and not be sold off to Mexican car brokers for fast and ready cash, you have a car dealer's word on it.

The Weather Channel said Thursday the Eastern Seaboard had the coldest July in recorded history. In two years some of the East Coast and most of the West Coast could be under water. As if you don't already owe more on your house than it is worth.

Twitter went down Thursday after its web site was bombarded by hackers. People were unable to type in every little thing they were doing to their followers. The hackers were believed to be train passengers who believed they were too young to die.

Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming reported a record high number of visitors during the month of July. It's like the Oklahoma land rush. Everybody sees that legalization is coming and the race is on to claim a pot farm before they're all gone.

Dallas Cowboys officials gave the press a tour of the luxury suites in the new stadium. Occupants watching the game can order a cheese pizza for sixty dollars. As soon as the Post Office starts delivering something, the cost doubles every two years.

L.A. police chief Bill Bratton resigned Wednesday to join a firm that will train police in Iraq and Afghanistan. He’s cleaned up New York, Boston and Los Angeles. He is going to keep moving until he can find a place where he can sell his screenplay.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Thursday that health care reform agitators are showing up at town hall meetings wearing swastikas. Little did she know that those were her supporters. She had no idea Germany was the first country with universal health care.

Roll Call discovered that Congress added two Gulfstream jets to the Pentagon's order for one of them in the Defense Bill submitted to the House Ways and Means Committee. Why shouldn't members of Congress travel in luxury? They're auto executives.

President Obama’s job approval rating kept sliding in the Quinnipiac Poll last week. A breakdown of the numbers gave the president a nasty surprise. It turns out that Independents favor change just as long as it doesn’t alter the status quo.

The U.S. Senate debated the merits of Sonia Sotomayor’s Supreme Court nomination Thursday before confirming her. La Raza threatened to destroy any senator who voted against her and the National Rifle Association threatened to destroy any senator who voted for her. These Battle of the Alamo re-enactments get more and more realistic every year.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-10-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton negotiated the release of the two imprisoned young American women reporters from North Korea Tuesday. They flew to Burbank Airport. After the plane landed safely Al Gore negotiated the release of the two young women from Bill Clinton.

North Korea's government stated Wednesday that Bill Clinton apologized for the hostile acts committed by the two American women after illegally intruding into the country. The White House is furious. Apologizing for America is President Obama's job.

North Korea's Kim Jong-Il posed for pictures onstage with Bill Clinton Tuesday before releasing the Americans. It could rescue North Korea's economy. The Nixon Library sells more pictures of Nixon with Elvis than anything else in their gift shop.

Notre Dame's former coach Lou Holtz said Tuesday he may run for U.S. Congress from Florida. Just last year he had to apologize for comments he made on ESPN's College Game Day praising Hitler as a great leader. He meant to say it on the Fox News Channel.

Sports Medicine Institute said Friday cheerleading is the most dangerous sport in America. You can break your neck. CBS and NBC and ABC reporters were covering President Obama Wednesday when the NBC News reporter fell off the top of the triangle.

Paula Abdul ended her eight-year run as a judge on American Idol Tuesday. It was devastating for the nation's pharmaceutical industry. With her departure plus the death of Michael Jackson, they've lost their weekly free ad and their biggest customer.

California was ordered by a three-judge panel to reduce its prison population by forty-three thousand inmates Wednesday. The order was long overdue. If Charles Manson has to stay in jail for one more summer he could explode like a can of peaches.

California Attorney General Jerry Brown proposed a thirteen percent flat tax to fix the U.S. economy. He has his motives. It will really help California tourism when every woman in the state gets breast implants to avoid paying a flat tax.

Goldman Sachs traders were told by their boss in New York Monday to keep a low profile and avoid flashing their huge bonuses around town. There's no reason to rub it in. Last week the former chairman of Lehman Brothers approached the chairman of Goldman Sachs at Tavern on the Green and asked if he'd like to hear today's specials.

House Democrats faced more angry protests at town hall meetings Wednesday from health care opponents. The congressmen are very upset. They just found out their congressional health care plan has a thousand-dollar deductible for pitchfork wounds.

The White House asked U.S. citizens to pass along fishy rumors about health care reform Wednesday. The divide is huge. Democrats feel that private health insurance is overpriced and compassionless and delay-ridden, and they want everybody to have it.

Hillary Clinton said her husband's meetings in North Korea will have no effect on her hardline policies in North Korea. His rescue upstaged her Africa trip and undercut her North Korea policy. No one wants to say she's furious, but President Obama just invited Bill and Hillary to have a beer with him on the White House lawn.

The Pentagon ordered an internal review Tuesday over whether Defense Department employee use of Facebook or Twitter poses a security risk to America. They're worried that Twittering could reveal the location and movement of U.S. troops. Like Google Earth doesn't reveal all the areas where people have suddenly showed up with plumbing.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-9-09

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton got the two young American women reporters out of North Korea and safely to Los Angeles Wednesday. Imagine their parents' relief. They feared their daughters might be attacked, raped or manhandled, and that was just on the flight home.

Al Gore welcomed his two journalists home from North Korea Wednesday. They had been sentenced to twelve years of hard labor for illegally crossing the border. It's the same deal that used to draw Mexicans to America before all the jobs dried up.

Bill Clinton returned in triumph from North Korea Wednesday after he freed the two young women journalists. He landed at Bob Hope Airport in Burbank. It's only right that an airport named after Bob Hope should welcome America's greatest comedian.

New York Giants quarterback Eli Manning signed a six-year deal for one hundred million dollars Wednesday. His brother Peyton Manning has the same deal with the Indianapolis Colts. Their father Archie Manning has the same deal with the sperm bank.

Roseanne Barr posed in a Jewish humor magazine sporting a swastika armband and a Hitler mustache and slicked-down hair. She flipped out. She's sick and tired of submitting her personality profile to e-Harmony and getting fixed up with Ryan O'Neal.

The Pentagon confirmed Wednesday that sonar detected Russian subs trolling off the Eastern Seaboard of the United States. They were little subs and completely harmless. A sperm whale saw a dozen of them and began handing out cigars at the lodge.

Iran arrested three Americans who strayed over the border from Iraq. The same day North Korea released two Americans who strayed over from China. That new iPhone application on uncrowded hiking trails was based on an old map of the British Empire.

Senator Barbara Boxer said health care protests look staged because protesters seem too well-dressed for ordinary Americans. Is she deaf? They may be well-dressed but this group is so angry even the alligators on the golf shirts are snapping at the congressmen.

Sarah Palin denied divorce rumors Wednesday while she was in Manhattan meeting with her literary agent about a book deal. There's a simple explanation. One reason she's so popular is because a lot of people think that she and Todd are Jon and Kate.

President Obama brought federal grants to an Indiana factory to start an electric battery company Wednesday. It used to be a factory that built recreational vehicles. The RV industry used to thrive in America and then the DEA cracked down on mobile meth labs.

The White House told Democratic lawmakers Wednesday that the town hall meeting protesters are not genuine but are hired by lobbyists. The government is denouncing the protests, as citizens use Twitter to organize their rebellion. We're getting to be so much like Iran that the Israelis would be wise to hit our nuclear facilities.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya for a trade summit Wednesday. Her husband had just rescued two young women in North Korea. Hillary's not greedy, but she would be forty-five hundred dollars richer if Congress would pass a Cash for Upstagers program.

Nancy Pelosi earmarked two hundred million dollars for three luxury jets for Congress to use. What else can they do? After they shamed corporate executives into selling their jets, there's nothing left to borrow but the company station wagon.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-7-09

LA JOLLA--Happy Friday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton got two young American women released in North Korea Tuesday. The families got the news first. Mixed emotion is hearing that your daughter's been pardoned from a North Korean prison term and she will be flying home with Bill Clinton.

North Korea gave American journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling a special pardon Tuesday and sent them home to California. It will be a huge adjustment for them. In North Korea they'd been sentenced to hard labor and in California there is no work.

Bill Clinton flew to Los Angeles from North Korea with the two freed American women journalists late Tuesday. It was a dangerous mission. Bill Clinton is a heart patient, and two women at the same time at thirty thousand feet could have killed him.

Kevin Costner's Canada concert was marred when a storm blew the awning onto the crowd. One fan went to the hospital in Manitoba. He drew number ten thousand six hundred and five at the admissions desk, where the sign read Now Serving Number Twelve.

Ryan O'Neal said Monday he didn't recognize his own daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and tried to pick her up in the sanctuary. He asked her out as the casket went past. In America we've got three words for a guy like that, Governor Ryan O'Neal.

Wisconsin cops arrested four women for assaulting a married man who was having an affair with all of them. They got him naked, tied him to a chair, then crazy-glued his genitals to his belly. Nobody ever misses an episode of To Catch a Senator.

The White House released a study Tuesday showing that texting while driving is dangerous. That doesn't mean they're against it. Texting while driving's a bad idea unless you need to save money on health care and you are driving a busload of seniors.

Washington University researchers said Monday that depression is now affecting some kids at the age of three. It's so true. That's the age children are told if they don't do their pre-school homework, they are never going to get a job in this economy.

The White House reported a historic plunge in tax revenue on Monday. This puts a crimp in all the grand plans. Revenues are so low the only health care reform the country can afford is an executive order directing Americans to jog and eat broccoli.

The Transportation Department announced Tuesday it will hold a safety conference to discuss the dangers of texting while driving. It's actually safer to text and drive in Los Angeles. The number of drivers killed while texting is half the number who would've died from freeway shootings if the driver's hands had been free to draw.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya Tuesday when her husband Bill got the call to fly to North Korea and rescue two female journalists. Every general on the continent of Africa wants to meet her in person. Her wedding ring is the original conflict diamond.

The U.S. Senate promised Tuesday to add two billion to the Cash for Clunkers program. Everybody's getting in with easy monthly payments. Six months from now Barney Frank will be demanding that banks modify car loans to keep people from losing their homes.

President Obama went to Indiana Wednesday to open a battery factory in Elkhart. He's announcing federal funds to create jobs to pay people to make batteries. Ever since dropping cash out of helicopters on Sunni insurgents cut violence in Iraq by ninety percent, it's been America's go-to plan for everything.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-6-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Thursday, and how's everybody?

Bill Clinton flew to North Korea Tuesday to obtain the release of two captured young American women journalists there and bring them home. Imagine his joy. It's the first time Bill Clinton ever picked up two young women with his wife's permission.

North Korea's Kim Jong-Il decided to free the two young American women Tuesday. He drinks Cognac, takes sex pills, wears shoe lifts and sleeps with teenage girls. He would only hand the women over to Bill Clinton, because Jimmy Carter is so judgmental.

Arnold Schwarzenegger welcomed Laura Ling and Euna Lee home Tuesday after they were cruelly abducted by North Korea. His approval is low. The reason we elected someone who's half human and half robot to be governor was to protect us from villains.

Roseanne Barr did a photo spread in a Jewish humor magazine wearing a swastika armband, a Hitler mustache and slicked-down hair. It's a lesson for all Hollywood. Never lie down on the operating table and invite your plastic surgeon to surprise you.

Ryan O'Neal admitted Monday he didn't recognize his daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and he tried to pick her up as the casket went by. His son Griffin confirmed Monday that Ryan used to shoot at him in the living room. Everyone's been waiting for the re-make of the Beverly Hillbillies but the run-throughs are too bloody.

Barack Obama's face was caricatured as the Joker on L.A. billboards which sprang up Monday. It's not fair. One guy has an outsized smile and an easy way with words whose life's mission is to rip off millionaires, and the other guy is Batman's nemesis.

White House Communications Director Linda Douglass opened an office to attack health care reform opponents Tuesday and played videos attacking Obama's critics. She was once a CBS and ABC News reporter. A lot of beautiful young women go from being cheerleaders to network news reporters, but Linda Douglass did it the other way around.

The Postal Service made plans to close a thousand post offices Monday. They're losing business to e-mail. If they want to make money they need to follow the Internet's lead and put pictures of porn stars and poker hands on first-class stamps.

Washington University researchers said Monday that kids now suffer depression at age three. It makes sense. That's when they're told they owe a hundred thousand dollars to the national debt and the planet will melt before they finish making their payments on it.

Somali pirates released a German freighter crew three months after seizing the boat. The Germans paid the pirates three million. They decided they'd rather pay the ransom than confront the Africans and end up at the White House drinking Bud Lite.

President Obama had lunch with Senate Democrats Tuesday and he gave them a pep talk on health care reform. He knows it's contentious. We could end up with half the country getting free health care and the other half getting Australian citizenship.

Hillary Clinton was in Kenya on President Obama's birthday Tuesday at a trade summit. It was her idea. She wanted to be in Kenya on President Obama's birthday because the village where a savior is born always has a giant celebration on that day.

President Obama sent a note to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Tuesday that congratulated him on his re-election. This a week after he gave anti-Israeli Irish politician Mary Robinson the Presidential Medal of Freedom. It's President Obama's way of letting Israel know that he's not going to play favorites between good and evil.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-5-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Wednesday, and how's everybody?

House Democrats faced near-riots at town hall meetings in their home districts Monday. Their constituents were venting their rage against the health care reform bill. Kaiser could have warned the government that being an HMO makes people hate you.

The Cash for Clunkers program was voted another two billion from Congress on Friday but many auto dealers decided to stop participating. You can't fool these guys. They ran a Carfax report on the Cash for Clunkers program and found out it's a total wreck.

Rush Limbaugh warned Monday that public health care will lead to rationed care for the elderly. At least it's a federal program. Seniors know from long experience that they'll die of old age before the government ever gets around to euthanizing them.

The World Swimming Championship aired live in Rome on NBC Sunday. The swimmers smashed all world records wearing that controversial polyurethane body suit. The next day fifty Major League ballplayers were caught wearing them under their uniforms.

Cleveland Browns coach Eric Mangini said Sunday he will not sign Michael Vick to play this fall. Their end zone fans are called the Dog Pound. They're worried he might leap into the stands after scoring a touchdown and start arranging fanfights.

Hugh Hefner sold the Holmby Hills home next door to the Playboy Mansion Sunday for eighteen million. Both backyards border the thirteenth hole at the Los Angeles Country Club. It never cost a golfer two strokes because nothing's out of bounds there.

Ryan O'Neal told Vanity Fair Monday he didn't recognize his own daughter Tatum at Farrah's funeral and hit on her. He actually tried to pick her up. It turns out the reason he banned his son Griffin from the funeral is because he doesn't go for men.

The Postal Service asked Congress Monday for permission to close a thousand post offices and cut Saturday delivery. The more demand goes down, the more they raise their prices. No one can be appointed Postmaster General without a business degree from Clown College in Sarasota.

The Original Watergate Interviews with David Frost and Richard Nixon runs this week on PBS during pledge week. Democrats are in trouble. PBS is the most liberal TV network of all and even they are using celebrity Republicans for their fundraisers.

New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer was asked Thursday to host a big-money fundraiser at a Midtown Manhattan hotel for the Republican Party's New York district attorney candidate. It sounds like a lot of fun. The invitation says Black Socks Only.

The White House was reported Monday to be considering moving the terrorist detainees from Guantanamo to Leavenworth prison. The terrain works for the guards. In Kansas you can stand on the front porch and watch your dog running away for a long, long time.

Mexico was rocked by a seven-point earthquake in Baja California on Monday. It centered on the east coast of Baja. The temblor and its aftershocks swelled tides and swayed buildings and made everybody homesick for their old jobs up in Los Angeles.

Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner caused an uproar on Sunday when he hinted that middle class tax hikes may be necessary to pay for health care reform. The roof fell in. So many people are angry at President Obama that the White House is tearing out the vegetable garden and putting in a beer garden just to accommodate all the apology summits.



Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-4-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

The Treasury Department said Friday the budget deficit may be even higher than forecast. It's no surprise. This spring the president invited the Ohio police and the Cincinnati Bengals to the White House for a beer summit, and he left the tab open.

The Cash for Clunkers program was voted added funding by Congress Friday. They understand the importance of gas mileage. Congressmen have to drive their own cars because cab drivers refuse to pick up people who are statistically likely to rob them.

Michigan cops arrested a Monopoly player Tuesday who busted a beer bottle over the head of a pal who refused to sell him Boardwalk and Park Place. How sad. This was once the nicest place on the board and now the methamphetamine crowd is moving in.

The Pentagon released a photo of Air Force One flying just a few feet over the Statue of Liberty in April, panicking New Yorkers. The photograph looks silly. Lady Liberty looks like she's at the Kentucky Derby wearing one of those terrible hats.

Michael Jackson's chef Kai Chase sold the tabloids her account of the final hour of his life. He died weighing a hundred and twelve pounds. The chef decided to sell her memoir after the coroner advised her not to try selling a cookbook.

Las Vegas police captured a tiger from a Las Vegas magic show that escaped its owner's house Friday. The neighbors don't mind the big cat living there. It's the one neighborhood west of the Mississippi where the joggers aren't bothered by coyotes.

President Obama held a weekend cabinet retreat at Blair House in Washington D.C. last weekend. They need to do better. There are twelve members of the cabinet and none of them have been answering the buzzer fast enough when their czars call for them.

President Obama's approval among whites plummeted after he said the cops acted stupidly in arresting Professor Gates. His entire agenda could fall. To make up for it his next appointee to the Supreme Court will have to be Detective Mark Fuhrman.

President Obama spoke at George Mason University in Virginia Monday. It's named after the Founding Father who said the U.S. Constitution would lead to dictatorship someday. He had the same problem they have on Wall Street, you can be right too early.

The GOP National Committee had a convention in San Diego over the weekend. They denounced health care reform as socialism and blasted czars as abuse of power. They believe that the Democrats have drifted so far to the left that in the next Star Trek movie, the Starship Enterprise will be re-christened the Starship Shared Responsibility.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said Friday that the private health insurance industry is evil. She said the glory days of the health insurance industry are over. Nancy Pelosi could go down in history as the first woman Speaker to be buried in the Kremlin.

The Original Watergate Interviews air tonight starring David Frost and Richard Nixon. They first aired thirty-two years ago. The interviews were made into a Tony-winning Broadway play and an Oscar-nominated movie, making the Nixon presidency the third most decorated comedy in history, after Young Frankenstein and Springtime for Hitler.

Professor Henry Louis Gates sent flowers to the woman next door who called the cops on him thinking he was breaking into his house. She's had the media camped out on her lawn for a week and she's had to hire a lawyer to handle all the interview requests. Now the only people who will call the cops on a crime in progress are Liza Minnelli and authors who need airtime to promote their new books.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio

Argus Hamilton's column for 8-3-09

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Monday, and how's everybody?

The Cash for Clunkers program ran out of government money after only five days Friday. It offered cash for unwanted guzzlers. People brought in their investment brokers and their spouses and their congressmen, but the dealers would only take cars.

Utah police were led on a car chase by a seven-year-old boy Sunday who heisted a Ford to avoid going to church. It took an hour to pull him over. The cop turned down the child's offer to settle everything over a couple of beers with the president.

Mad Men returns next week on AMC about a Madison Avenue ad agency in the early Sixties. The characters all drink, smoke and have sex at work. When Jack Kennedy was America's president, the members of the Rat Pack took turns being Surgeon General.

Michael Jackson's kids were sold to his mother Friday by their biological mother Debbie Rowe. It's the third time she sold the kids to the family. She also acquired visitation rights, the bidding for which just reached fifty thousand dollars on eBay.

Senator Chris Dodd said Friday he'll have surgery to remove his prostate. This limits his participation in the health care debate. Chris Dodd won't be calling for any cuts in doctors' reimbursements until the knife is safely away from his testicles.

Citigroup paid billions in executive bonuses after receiving taxpayer bailout money. The bonuses are a good investment. It's important to retain these people inside Citigroup lest they escape into the wider economy and bring down the country.

The White House faced a growing call to withdraw from Afghanistan Friday after the Pentagon asked for the deployment of twenty thousand extra troops. After six years of U.S. occupation, the country is in chaos, panic and disorder. Our work is done.

The GOP National Committee met in San Diego and voted to label the president's health care bill as socialism. It's a philosophy Republicans understand. Socialism gives an eighteen handicapper a stroke a hole to give him a chance against Tiger Woods.

The Rio Hotel in Las Vegas announced Friday it has closed its topless swimming pool which was popular with strippers. The hotel said the pool flunked an integrity check. A routine test of the pool chemicals found the cocaine level was a little high.

Mexico police closed the beach in Cancun at the Gran Caribe Real Hotel Friday, claiming the hotel took the high-quality sand from the beach. They say the hotel made off with the fine white powder. The hotel says there is no law against possessing cut.

Nancy Pelosi fired back at health care reform opponents Friday by accusing the insurance industry of being evil. We'll all know soon. When the final Harry Potter book is released next year, Lord Voldemort is revealed to be a managed care executive.

The White House offered the Senate a proposal to pay for health care reform by slapping a huge tax on Botox, cheek implants, eyelifts, facelifts, collagen shots and boob jobs. The entertainment industry can't believe Obama would do this to them. This is the last time Hollywood backs a presidential candidate under the age of sixty.

Michelle Obama was told by environmental officials Friday that the soil in her White House vegetable garden is contaminated with lead from a fertilizer used during the Clinton administration. They used sewage sludge on the lawn. It was an attempt to show that Bill Clinton's DNA grows out of the ground and doesn't prove anything.


Copyright 2009 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

###

Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio