Argus Hamilton's column for 4-25-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Sam Bradford was the first pick of the NFL draft in New York on Thursday. What a day. His net worth jumped forty million dollars in one day, prompting President Obama to warn Wall Street to get behind quarterback reform before it's forced on them.

Al Pacino starred as Jack Kevorkian in an HBO movie Saturday. The premiere was a huge event in New York. They had an after-party at the Four Seasons, where the celebrity gift bags included complete instructions in case your series gets canceled.

The Pittsburgh Steelers tried to trade Ben Roethlisberger Thursday after he got suspended for six games. He's a changed man. He spent the last six seasons as a passer and a runner for the Pittsburgh Steelers, but now he's just a blocker for Tiger Woods.

Terry Bradshaw ripped Ben Roethlisberger for irresponsible behavior with women and on his motorcycle. Four years ago he crashed his Harley without a helmet. The paramedics found a pulse on him, so he qualified for a federally guaranteed home loan.

Lane Bryant lingerie ads for full-figured women were refused by ABC Friday. The network said the cleavage on the full-sized women was excessive. You must forgive ABC, the only time people in show business get to see natural breasts is at Thanksgiving.

London's Heathrow Airport resumed flights Thursday after a five-day layoff due to volcanic ash in the air. It's grimy up there. Arriving male passengers get off the plane looking like they're in blackface and now their fraternities have been suspended.

Arnold Schwarzenegger did TV ads promoting California tourism. The timing must be exact. We have to get the tourists here after the mudslides and before the brushfires or else they'll qualify for free trailers and we'll never get rid of them.

Arizona passed a bill Monday not allowing anyone on the state ballot who can't provide a U.S. birth certificate. It's time somebody took a stand. Right now you need more documentation to be a greeter at WalMart than to be President of the United States.

Arizona's legislature passed a law letting local cops detain suspected illegal immigrants and deport them if they have no papers. Technology was oversold as a solution to the problem. We now know that the only virtual fence that works is eBay.

President Obama pressed for Wall Street reform at Cooper Union's Great Hall in New York. He wants the pre-emptive power to liquidate companies that might pose a threat at some later date. He started out as Jesus and he's ending up as Dick Cheney.

Senator Chuck Schumer of New York called for the federal government to develop a plan to stop drug smuggling from Canada. It's an outrage. Just because he can afford to pay retail for his prescription drugs doesn't mean every senior citizen can.

Brandeis University's German Studies Department likened Tea Party activists to the Nazi Party Thursday. It makes no sense. The Tea Partyers aren't anti-Semitic, they don't break windows, and they wouldn't go to Poland if it were all-expenses-paid.

The View welcomed Joe Biden to the ABC daytime talk show Thursday in Manhattan where he chatted freely with the hosts. He went off the notes again. He gossiped that Israel has agreed not to attack Iran until after U.S. sanctions have been given time to work, but he made the women promise not to tell anyone because it's Top Secret.



Copyright 2010 Argus HamiltonAll rights reserved.Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio