Argus Hamilton's column for 2-16-10

OKLAHOMA CITY--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Dallas Cowboys Stadium will host next year's Super Bowl on Ronald Reagan's one hundredth birthday. Texans will be going wild. The frenzy of worship could be so intense it may trigger the rapture and the stadium could be empty for the second half.

New Orleans cops warned women not to flash their breasts on the streets of the French Quarter in Mardi Gras parades tonight. It's a health issue. Bill Clinton's recuperating and everybody's pitching in to keep him away from Girls Gone Wild videos.

Bill Clinton went to the hospital in New York Thursday where he had two stents put in his arteries. He's reportedly in excellent spirits, although it was touch-and-go there for a minute. Two hours after the procedure he took a turn for the nurse.

The Winter Olympics began Friday with a spectacular opening ceremony in Vancouver. It's been so unseasonably warm, the city's cherry blossoms are in bloom. It's just NBC's luck to be showing the Winter Games in the one place on earth where Al Gore's got an argument.

The U.S. Olympic delegation in Vancouver Wednesday saluted the U.S. Olympic hockey team that beat the Soviet Union thirty years ago in the much-fabled Miracle on Ice. It only causes a stir in Americans. To Canadians, a Miracle on Ice is a chilled Molson.

Haiti made plans to free the ten Idaho Baptists who were jailed for transporting a dozen kids out of Haiti on a bus. They were taking them to Idaho. People in the Mountain West really have to reach to obey court orders to desegregate their schools.

President Obama startled the markets Wednesday in his interview with Bloomberg News. He said he's agnostic about how government revenues should be increased. Wouldn't you know, he finally joined a church and it's the Church of the Higher Taxes.

Joe Biden went on Larry King's show Wednesday where he took credit for creating a new nation in Iraq. His memory's starting to go. Just four years ago Joe Biden proposed partitioning Iraq into three new countries--Regular, Unleaded, and Unleaded with Techron.

Joe Biden went on CNN Wednesday and blamed the deepening recession on George W. Bush. That's the pattern. The White House wants to rename the San Andreas Fault after George W. Bush so that the next time there's an earthquake it'll be Bush's Fault.

The TSA announced plans Thursday to install one thousand full-body scanners at airports. Muslim groups say the body-revealing technology violates their religious sensitivities. It's not their fault that plastic explosives grow out of their penises.

The White House Council of Economic Advisers met Thursday and predicted that a hundred thousand new jobs a month will be created in the next twelve months. The numbers won't hold up. By July the driveway shoveling jobs will probably be gone.

Senate Republicans demanded that National Security Adviser John Brennan resign his post Wednesday for accusing GOP lawmakers of aiding al-Qaeda. It's not just the Republicans. Every time the Democrats give out another two-thousand-dollar child tax credit, that's another eighty thousand dollars in Osama bin Laden's pocket.

Former Congressman Charlie Wilson of Texas died at seventy-six Wednesday, thirty years after he secretly funded Afghan fighters to defeat the Soviets. He loved to drink, snort coke in hot tubs with his staff, date beauty queens, and kill communists. He was proof that at one time the Republican party knew how to reach across the aisle.



Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
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Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio