Argus Hamilton's column for 2-7-10

BEVERLY HILLS--Happy Sunday, and how's everybody?

Peyton Manning was voted most likely to replace Tiger Woods as the world's top male role model Tuesday. It takes skill. You have to be able to read the defense and know instinctively if you need to be a flatterer, play hard-to-get, or just slip something into her drink.

The Las Vegas Hilton estimated that legal betting on the Super Bowl today will hit eighty-five million dollars and that's just in sports books. Everyone's in an office pool. Joe Biden said his Super Bowl picks are Kansas, Kentucky, Texas and Duke.

Las Vegas Mayor Oscar Goodman ripped President Obama Wednesday after he slurred the city again. The mayor called the president a slow learner. That's the harshest name you're allowed to call someone without having to apologize to the Special Olympics.

CBS refused to air a Super Bowl commercial submitted by ManCrunch. The website is a gay dating service. The network was trying to protect the NFL's image and not remind the viewers that every game ends with forty-five men showering together.

CBS News fired a hundred and fifty people Monday due to low ratings and ad revenue drop-offs. The job cuts included news producers. The guy on trial for blackmailing David Letterman could be the only one at CBS News to end up with a roof over his head.

CBS News anchor Katie Couric reportedly had her fifteen-million-dollar salary cut in half Tuesday. Her hiring is widely regarded to have been a noble but failed experiment. She could end up in a museum with Barack Obama, Prohibition and home rule for Ireland.

President Obama offered Thursday to forgive your college loans if you work in public service. There's more. Next he's going to forgive your car loan if you a run over a tea party demonstrator, and they'll even tell the police it was the gas pedal's fault.

President Obama sought Friday to loan thirty billion in repaid bailout money to small businesses. The money was supposed to reduce the deficit. Having Democrats in charge of Congress and the White House is like having a brother-in-law with a gambling problem.

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood warned U.S. motorists Wednesday to stop driving Toyotas. These cars are made in Mississippi. Toyota has created a lot of jobs in Mississippi because under state law they have to have a separate plant for each color.

Intelligence Director Dennis Blair said he thinks al-Qaeda will attack America within six months. That's three administration statements in one day that damaged the economy. The president trashed Las Vegas, the Transportation Secretary trashed Toyota and now no one will lease an office above the third floor in any building in America.

Dennis Blair told Congress Wednesday of his effort to assassinate U.S. citizen Anwar al-Awlaki while the al-Qaeda leader is holed up in Yemen. The director said the CIA is allowed to assassinate American citizens abroad. After Texas secedes from the Union, the CIA will be picking off Texans like they're Dick Cheney and it's duck season.

The Getty Museum in Los Angeles held a Rembrandt Symposium Tuesday. The artist spent much of his life painting self-portraits, he bought a house that was too big, and he ended up bankrupt. The museum honored him as the father of the California real estate crash.

The Weather Channel reported Thursday that last week's ice storms in the South knocked out electricity in some areas for a week. Oklahoma has a firewood shortage because the trees are all frozen. People are staying warm by burning Al Gore's books.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio