Argus Hamilton's column for 4-13-10

HOLLYWOOD--Happy Tuesday, and how's everybody?

Tiger Woods was in a Nike ad Sunday in which the voice of his late father asks him if he's learned anything. His dad was a womanizer, too. One of Tiger's earliest childhood memories is back when he and his dad used to go fishing together at Hooters.

Augusta National chairman Billy Payne reminded the news media Thursday that the Masters doesn't rely on TV ratings. It doesn't affect the club members one way or another whether Tiger's playing. The sport of drinking is bigger than any one athlete.

The Washington Redskins welcomed veteran quarterback Donovan McNabb on Tuesday to the team's headquarters in Maryland. His new deal will include a huge bonus. It's not clear what he's done to deserve the bonus, he hasn't run one bank into the ground.

Virginia's governor apologized Thursday for forgetting to mention slavery when he declared April to be Confederate History Month. Having slaves do all the farm work was inexcusable by today's standards. They had illegal aliens right across the river.

The Labor Department said Monday women are still paid seventy-eight percent of what men make. For every hundred dollars that a congressman makes, a hooker makes only seventy-eight dollars. This violates the law requiring equal pay for equal work.

Iran's president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad remained defiant on Friday in the face of threatened U.S. sanctions. He said the American president is a nuclear-armed cowboy. Since they started censoring the Internet they're always two years behind on the news.

President Obama was chided by Parliament last week for ignoring the U.S.-British Special Relationship. The disdain is mutual. On his first day in office Obama returned a bust of Churchill, then Britain retaliated by shutting off Kenya's water, power and sanitation.

Ryan Air began charging passengers to go to the bathrooms Friday. The airline is based in Ireland. Leave it to the Irish to figure out there's more money to be made from selling beer and charging for restrooms than charging for carry-on bags.

Afghan President Hamid Karzai was accused of having a drug problem on Thursday by U.S. diplomats in Kabul. The signs of a problem are there. He's threatening to abandon the U.S., join up with the Taliban, and leave the cast of Two and a Half Men.

Afghan president Hamad Karzai's behavior alarmed U.S. officials Thursday. He could become the first U.S.-installed Mideast leader to be overthrown since the U.S.-installed Saddam Hussein. The Muppets are the only puppet show that keeps its characters forever.

U.S. troops stationed in the Central Asian republic of Kyrgystan laid low during a coup overthrowing the government. None of the U.S. troops want to be evacuated and flown home. They all have family and friends who got killed in the real estate market.

North Korea said Tuesday Kim Jong Il's plain peasant suit has become a fashion phenomenon. They say their leader has become a fashion icon. Just a year ago people thought he was dying, but if bulimia doesn't kill you it gives you a long career as a supermodel.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu decided not to attend President Obama's nuclear conference held this week in Washington. His instincts are flawless. The Jews haven't survived five thousand years by falling for that We're-Just-Going-to-Talk line.


Copyright 2010 Argus Hamilton
All rights reserved.
Material may be quoted with attribution.

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Comedian and nationally syndicated columnist Argus Hamilton entertains at corporate events and meetings around the country. When home in Los Angeles, he can be seen live onstage at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. Contact Argus@ArgusHamilton.com for more information. Argus Hamilton's bio